Work Jokes - Page 1

Useful Work Phrases
Business Vocabulary
Procrastinator's Calendar
Annual Performance Evaluations
Sleeping on the job
Ape the Ape
Management Training
If your job is on the line
Staff Note
Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings

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Big Joke List

Useful Work Phrases

• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
• Are you a f**king ray of sunshine every day?
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

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Business Vocabulary

1. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. You will all be measured on this at some point in your career.
2. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. This one will be particularly valuable to those of you who have projects going right now.
3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything then leaves. Another word for consultant.
4. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end. We've had these before (and will again).
5. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands. Nope, we do our own dirty work.
6. CLM: Short lingo for 'career limiting move'. Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Related to CLB, career limiting behaviour)
7. Adminisphere: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
8. Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
9. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
10. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
11. Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time it takes to realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See number 6.)
12. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it working again.

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Procrastinator's Calendar

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

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Annual Performance Evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A room temperature IQ."
15. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
16. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
17. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it."
22. "Fell out of the family tree."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "Any dumber and he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 and a half hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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Sleeping on the job

Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk

1. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
2. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
3. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
4. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"
5. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
6. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
7. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
8. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
9. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
10. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
12. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
14. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
15. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
16. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
17. "I was working smarter-not harder."
18. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
19. "I'm in the management training program."
20. "The coffee machine is broken...."
21. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
22. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
23. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
24. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
25. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

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Ape the Ape

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...

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Management Training

Once upon a time in a government department far, far away there lived a supervisor called Clarence and an admin officer called Felix, who was a frog.

Clarence came back from management training one day with a gleam in his eye.

"Felix!" he exclaimed to the frog, "Public sector reforms are achieving amazing things through multiskilling. We're going to be teaching you to fly!"

Felix was less than impressed by the prospect. He'd tolerated a lot in recent years but this was going too far. "Sorry. I can't fly, I'm a frog."

Clarence was impatient and cross. "Your negative attitude seems to be a problem, Felix. We need a can-do attitude round here, not this knee-jerk resistance to change. But don't worry, I've got you booked into a special training course. Starting Monday."

So on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday Felix attended an empowerment and Efficiency Seminar for Administrative Officers and learnt about problem solving, time management and effective communication. Nothing about flying, however.

On Thursday morning, assured that Felix was now thoroughly competent to fly and just needed to implement his training, Clarence presented him with a schedule.

"We'll get you flying in no time with this scientifically implemented timetable" said Clarence enthusiastically. "The office is 5 storeys high. Every morning, we'll get you to jump out of a window one storey higher than the day before. After each jump, I fill in this evaluation form analysing how well the officer flew, identify the most effective flying techniques implemented and then make sure improvements are suggested for the next flight. Ready?"

Felix shrugged. Clarence popped him on the ground floor windowsill and pushed.

Felix landed on the ground outside with a plop.

"That's not bad for starters," said Clarence, carefully filling in the evaluation form. "But we'll start to get a better impression of the flying tomorrow." On the second day, Felix begged not to be thrown out of the first floor window.

"I can't fly", he said. "I'm a frog. I'll get hurt jumping from this height."

"Nonsense!" said Clarence. "You just have to fall smarter, not harder. There's no room in the modern public service for negative spirits who can't rise to new challenges. You've been trained - at great expense, I should point out - to fly. It is government policy that admin officers should fly. Therefore, you shall fly. Now!"

Out went Felix. He hit the ground with a painful thump, but still managed to limp back inside and report to the boss. "I still don't see too much evidence of flying technique" said Clarence, filling in the form for Day Two. "But it's the weekend now. You've got two days to revise your notes and consider your options for the flight from the second storey."

By Monday morning Felix was feeling deeply depressed and begged not to be thrown out of the second storey window. But Clarence just smiled, opened his copy of the One Minute Manager and showed Felix the part about greatest resistance being inevitable when managers were implementing new programs.

Felix asked for a postponement of the project until the weather was more favourable for flying. But Clarence pulled out a timeline, pointed to the third milestone and asked "You don't want the schedule to slip, do you?"

Felix looked down. It seemed a very long way to the ground. He tried one last plea. "You know this project is killing me, don't you?"

But Clarence had had enough. "Look here!" he said. "This has gone far enough. I'm tired of your negative attitude. And frankly, your performance has been less than satisfactory for some time now. It's shape up or ship out time, Felix. Now get out there and fly."

He pushed Felix out of the window. And alas, Felix hit the ground with a horrifying splat and didn't move again.

Clarence was horrified. What had gone wrong? His project had failed to meet a single goal. Felix had resisted training, complained about its relevance, and had not only failed to fly, but never fully participated in goal setting and had frankly failed to endorse project objectives.

The solution was simple. Clarence resolved to hire a smarter frog.

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If your job is on the line

The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay."

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Staff Note

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time(code 5309).

To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

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Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings

• Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit
• Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
• Average Employee - Not too bright
• Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
• Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
• Active Socially - Drinks a lot
• Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
• Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
• Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
• Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
• Aggressive - Obnoxious
• Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
• Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
• Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
• Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
• Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
• Keen Sense Of Humour - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
• Career Minded - Back Stabber
• Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

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