The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage
the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the
4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil have
a realy sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the
famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra
prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like a serious bummer.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at
Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme: a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a posterior orifice.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Motorway Service Centre - I eat coronary vomit stew
Mobile telephone = Bleep me in the loo
Marriage = A grim era
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson = "I'm a plonker" moans tart
The World Cup in France = French win? A crude plot.
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge Rash
Teddy Sheringham = He'd shag dirty men
Andrei Kanchelskis = He's a lad in knickers
White House Intern Miss Monica Samille Lewinsky = Hey! William Clinton arouses me. Hi! I'm Ken's witness!
The OJ Simpson Trial = Jail this moron pest
Camilla Parker-Bowles = I'm Palace balls-worker
Michael Bolton = I'm the local nob
George Michael = He come, I gargle!
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince = No first-rate workmanship recently
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. =
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon) =
A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!
President Clinton, of the USA = To copulate, he finds interns
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus
alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job
in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput
tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will
fling an enormous rock at your head.
Gramen artificiosum odi. I hate Astroturf.
Furnulum pani nolo. I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. I'm not interested in your silly religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules. If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est. It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica
Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur! Those green trousers go so well with that pink shirt
and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio. Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From " Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the
priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked
around by Mayor Barry.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism--n.,
The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping
away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the
monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . .
and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the
perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your
Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
Anagrams of UK celebrities/institutions