Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely
necessary.
If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent
climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river
or pond.
Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxomatosis.
Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that
repels ducks by means of ultrasound.
Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else.
Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise
duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be
threatened.
Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.
If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they
are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism
disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your
granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.
Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even
travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks
first.
Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of
the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck
try to reach you then.
Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the
ducks realise they'd be wasting their time eating you.
Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some
chain mail.
Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet
in the first place. Be polite.
Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about
with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of
them.
Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be
petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off
at the first available opportunity.
Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who
enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby
ducklings.
Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people.
Buy a few readily-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around
your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around
half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of
fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and
Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and
you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.
Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you
throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow
your scent and track you to your home.
Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologise
and go into hiding.
Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep
dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued
shut.
Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself
invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to
be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least
you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer
by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any
of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking
gibberish and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them,
asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way
through their reply.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands
under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time
you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with
some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to
the passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women
in bikinis.
King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This
would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name
plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the
job.
One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home
broke down. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed
a few screws and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill
a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:
"I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our
company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as
much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you
completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly
improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary
went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has
to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor
had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The
evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the
board, and then he realised that he had forgotten the formula. He started
to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he
got "minus pi times r square".
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus
again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was
frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers
mouthing "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Linden Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Spooky isn't it?
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'.
The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more
usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T. Thropton
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens Birmingham
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf Weybridge
A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.
L Traintu Clarkesville
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It
gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
James Francis East Glamorgan Hospital
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley Newcastle
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to
an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd Wigan
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket.
Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty
finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner Liverpool L17
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to
wrap it.
D. Treloar Wandsworth
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson Skipton
Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Middlesex
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock London
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY Lincoln
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or
5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this
will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson Manchester
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger Fulchester
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you
park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic
buckets.
D. Griffiths Kent
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking
gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire
to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn Rotherham
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex
without waking her up.
Frank Wilson Southend
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
B Reastford Iranville, Notts
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
N. Burke Manchester
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell
gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such
emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby Rugby
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the
road.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East
country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice
to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs
start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin Middlesex
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen Uxbridge
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead
of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge Newcastle
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker Chatham
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan Criccieth
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to
sun-bed treatments.
Mr Tony Lee, Cad-Capture limited, Blackburn
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft Gateshead
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The
secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey Essex
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson York
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp. Birmingham
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making
'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo. Adbaston, Staffs.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during
a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl Amersham. Leo Sayer country.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a
moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
Bastien Phelp. Bath
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any
that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror. Hastings
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a
cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel. Bristol
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back
the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer. Little Bighorn
Play 'Moth Aircraft Carriers' by floating a shoe box in the bath with a
torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the
room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and
dangerous landings.
Neil Davis. e-mail.
Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding
irons.
J.T. Thropton.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick. Blackrod.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds'
style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
J.T. Thropton.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else
win.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.
X-File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming
European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toberlone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights
in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka
toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Open your bowels at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19
have been accused of writing bad cheques, 117 have bankrupted at least two
businesses, 3 have been arrested for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card
due to bad credit, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have
been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are current defendants in lawsuits. In
1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
Can you guess which organisation this is?
Give up?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that
perpetually cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of
that great country in line.
How not to be eaten by a duck
