A Handsome TipThe ReunionThirsty ArabReplying to Chinese SPAMRadio ShackAmazing CamouflageEducators
A Handsome Tip
The Reunion
Thirsty Arab
Replying to Chinese SPAM
Radio Shack
Amazing Camouflage
Educators
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Big Joke List
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says "I hate to ruin your day son but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop what are you talking about ?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other " the old man says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Chicago and tell her", and hangs up.
Frantic the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced! " she shouts. "l'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay honey" he says, "It worked, they're coming for New Year and paying their own way".
An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The Jewish gentleman replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what nice guys Jews are, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way , they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
The government just ordered all ISPs in China to start monitoring email for subversive phrases and the like, so I started replying to Chinese spam with little replies of the form at the end of this spam. Might be a useful tactic on companies who think that unsolicited email is "just regular advertising".
"Jack(export manager)" wrote:
Dear Sir
How are you .
We are a lighting factory in China ,It is glad to introduce ourselves to you:
I am XUBIN (Jack) , XUBIN is my chinese name , you can just call me Jack !! , I am export manager of [deleted] , China, our group have four factory [snipped]
Here is our company profile :
[Rest of sales talk snipped]
(And now, the reply)
Thank you for your coded order. The weapons and ammunition will ship by way of the usual route in ten days, and you already know our secret Swiss bank account number to wire the payment to.
It is a pleasure doing business with you for so long, and I hope your cause will prevail. I am new to this particular computer, so I hope the encryption is working and the monitoring authorities cannot read what I am sending you.
Long live the Falun Gong! Free Tibet!
Best regards,
Your arms supplier
Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.
"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied.
(blank look of confusion)
"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.
"With a hyphen," I clarified
"Once more?" he asked
"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"
"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.
"Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.
Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address.
"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.
Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean current address?"
Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."
"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.
Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue."
Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.
"I think," I interjected.
"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.
"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the damned credit card receipt."
A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.
Excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II", Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...