Jokes About Revenge

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, I live at 2104 East 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don H's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

"2104 East 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 2104 East 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

Canadian Revenge

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Shagpile

When expecting to visit a house where the occupants are deeply proud of their shagpile prepare a packet of cigarettes thus:

Take a cigarette. Straighten out a plain paperclip and cut it to a length 1/4 inch shorter than the cigarette. Insert paperclip/wire into lighting end of cigarette and force it down towards the filter, prodding it down so that the end does not show amongst the tobacco.

Cue occupant; who will follow you round with ash-tray like a well-trained corgi - desperate to protect their precious carpet.

Any non smokers out there who are pissed off with people dropping ash on their carpets

Take a smoker. Straighten out a plain paper clip . Insert paper clip/wire into smoker's rectum and force it up towards the prostate, prodding it down so that the end does not show amongst bum hair. Let him light a cigarette.

Telemarketting Countermeasures

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as,they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:-

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

Bloating Microsoft's Website Error Logs

What is a Favicon?

In Internet Explorer 5.0 and above, you can customize the Icon next to your bookmarked web site to be your own customized logo. Hence, when people look at their bookmarks they will be drawn to your web page because of the beautiful logo next to your bookmark. In prior versions of IE, the only logo looked like: . Currently, favicons will not be seen in Netscape's bookmarks.

I am using Apache and do not want to see favicon.ico requests in my error log.
What can I do?

There is no way to 'stop' the error from being logged in apache. You can, however, redirect that request somewhere else. Some people like to use the information to see how many people (using IE 5.0) are bookmarking their site. The user who submitted this solution protested the fact that this request is forced upon us and believes this request should only be made if the 'Shortcut Icon' tag is used.

Solution submitted by Steven Champeon

RedirectMatch permanent .*/favicon\.ico$ URL

where URL is the URL of either:

an icon named something other than favicon.ico, on your own site
http://www.microsoft.com/favicon.ico/requests/are/flooding/my/error/log

It catches all requests containing the string 'favicon.ico' (which you must do, as IE will request /favion.ico, or /subdirectory/favicon.ico, etc. as appropriate given the URL that was bookmarked) and redirects them to another icon or to Microsoft's site. The idea is that if you don't have an icon, you should lodge a protest of sorts, and waste Microsoft's logfiles instead.

Well, I have to say that option (2) is mighty tempting, .... but I decided to make a favicon instead.

The favicon for the Joke of the Day page, should you bookmark it, is

For other pages on this site it is

Cocktail

Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane

Authors Who Spam Newsgroups

I wonder how much these spammers would like negative reviews about their books on Amazon?

I read this book and it's about these ancients, and they have blood, so they rule!!!!!!

The premise is that these really old people, called ancients are living but not happily. Anyway, their blood is all old and dusty, the way blood gets when it's all old and dusty.

Munnings then complicates things by forgetting there's a plot about bloody ancients and spends about 300 pages discussing (in interminable detail) the ancient Yugoslavian nose-flute exercises. Unfortunately he gets all the facts wrong, (the nose flute's valves are _not_ played with one's toes). Anyway, in the last 10 pages, he FINALLY gets back to the plot when it turns out that the bloody ancients needed more prunes and water to rehydrate their dusty blood. This discovery allows them to take over the world and rule!!!!!! The only real result of this is that they force everyone ELSE to eat more prunes thus making the world more regular.

Philosophically, Munnings is...odd. It's not often one will find a writer who'll come right out and defend NAMBLA _and_ Hitler, but defend them Munnings does. As Munnings says in his introduction "I wrote this book not to defend my beliefs that young boys and older men (like me) can have a loving relationship! If only the damned Jews were exterminated as our beloved Furher wished, this would not be a crime! All proceeds from this book will be divided evenly between the Aryan Nation and NAMBLA."

As a prose writer, Munnings is just barely below Pel Toro in terms of, well, everything. But he's marginally better than reading random letters picked out of a bin by chickens. But only just.

I recommend him only for those who have enemies who are contemplating suicide and you want to give them that needed shove over the edge.

Thirty Creative Ways to Have an Extra-Special Fun Time Shopping!

PC Practical Joke

Take a screen-grab of the desktop with all the icons on it, paste into paintbrush and save, then make it the wallpaper. Then move all the icons just off screen to the bottom right, and drop the status bar down.

Great fun watching them double click images of icons, and not the icons themselves...

Jokes About Revenge - Page 1

Jackass