MosesBiblical BloopersUnexpected MergerMurphy's NailsCreationBrother JohnIf God had Voice MailBound to offend all those who can be.....TFIFThe Great Debate
Moses
Biblical Bloopers
Unexpected Merger
Murphy's Nails
Creation
Brother John
If God had Voice Mail
Bound to offend all those who can be.....
TFIF
The Great Debate
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Big Joke List
Moses made a third pilgrimage to Mount Sinai. After much climbing he arrives at the burning bush and removes his sandals.
Kneeling down, he says a prayer of entreaty.
"Almighty God. Your people have sent me back to ask you a question about the Ten Commandments."
"What question do they have?" roared the deity above.
"They want to know, are these listed by priority?"
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and biscuits for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Custard Creams were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
Murphy owned a factory which made nails. He decided to give things a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV.
Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new ad would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during Coronation Street.
Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad. The ad came on and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly moved up the cross... to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said, "Always use Murphy's nails".
Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next day all newspapers and media chat shows were discussing the tasteless and irreverent ad for Murphy's nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped. Murphy rang the advertising agency in despair and asked them to change the ad.
Three weeks later they rang saying there would be a new ad the following night. Murphy got all his friends in again. The ad came on - as before the camera focused on the grass, same background music. "Shit, I'm f**ked" says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up this time there was no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance .... and there was Jesus legging it across the fields.
A voice rang out, "They should have used Murphy's nails!"
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so.
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now; however, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order of which it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in Prayer:
If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding
please press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the # key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local priest.
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion. The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the devoutest of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, he could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened."Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."