Church Bulletin AnnouncementsAdam and EveTheological Engineering Exam 1Jewish Wedding Ceremony (NOT)Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?Biblical ScandalJesus is watching youThe Joy of TeachingNo DancingGraffito
Church Bulletin Announcements
Adam and Eve
Theological Engineering Exam 1
Jewish Wedding Ceremony (NOT)
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
Biblical Scandal
Jesus is watching you
The Joy of Teaching
No Dancing
Graffito
God to Adam: "Adam, I am going to create for you a mate. It will be wonderful company, cater to all your needs, be caring, understanding and faithful."
Adam: "Sounds expensive. What's the cost?"
God: "One arm and one leg."
Adam: "What can I get for a rib???"
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
The Wedding Ceremony
(Unauthorised Version)
of
Diana xxxx
and
Keith xxxx
July 17, 1999
Welcome to Diana and Keith's wedding. We are delighted that all of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Diana's parents' expense. We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and deep meaning of the Jewish portion of the wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a means to distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect your neighbours flatulence.
KABBALAT PANIM
The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her friends and family. Diana is seated on a large, throne-like chair, where she receives greetings from guests. At this point, it is customary for the men to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of hungry refugees.It is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the bride looks, while musing quietly about what she'll look like after about ten years of childbirth and strudel.
THE KETUBAH
Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the ketubah, an ancient document that details Keith's monetary responsibilities and Diana's claim to all of his assets, including the shirt off his back, as security for those obligations in the event of death or divorce. It is customary to decorate this document with pretty flowers and other colorful designs and hang it from the wall of the couple's new home.
At this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but largely symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless. The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their children should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?
THE CHOSSON'S TISCH
"Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch," the men gather around a table and serenade Keith with Hebrew drinking songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and tannaim. It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass of scotch all over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a scholar, he delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is customary for the men to discuss the basketball or football game that they are missing in order to be at the wedding.
BEDEKIN
An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein the bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of separation, and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make this process as noisy and confusing as possible, Keith is danced in by a large crowd of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over Diana's face, consummating an important part of the marriage process. Many authorities insist that Diana's veil remain down from now until the wedding ceremony. This is because it is funny to watch her bump into things.
THE PROCESSION
During the ceremony, Diana and Keith will stand under the chuppah, or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets.
Keith is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family: bubbe-in-law and zayde; his brother, Eric; Diana's brother Joel, Keith's uncle Bill, Edson future brother-in-law; and friend Donald. Keith will then enter, escorted by his mother and father, who are carrying lit candles in order to keep away the mosquitoes.
Diana's family and friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sister Laura, cousins Kristen, Katherine, and Catherine; and friend Tiffany. Diana, together with her parents, will enter next, at which point it is customary to stand up and take flash pictures 8 inches from her face.
When Diana has reached the chuppah, she will walkaround Keith seven times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it is the smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square and an odd number greater than one.
KIDDUSHIN
In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism sought to bring reverence and sanctity to this relationship between man and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short Hebrew formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away.
The essence of the wedding ceremony is "kiddushin," wherein Keith buys Diana for a nominal sum. Once Keith has bought Diana, no one else is allowed to either buy or borrow Diana and Keith may not sell Diana at any point. Any liens, easements or sale-leaseback arrangements involving Diana that pre-date Keith's purchase should not be discussed publicly, except in low tones among cousins and family friends during the wedding ceremony.
NESUIN
The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first half; don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act ssymbolisesthe groom's removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his own domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this obligation:
SHEVA BRACHOT
The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing is customarily given out as an hhonourto a different individual. It is considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since few families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course of a lifetime, it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to pretend to be rabbis.
BREAKING THE GLASS
At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing the verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Keith will step on a glass; the broken glass ssymbolisesthe memory of the destroyed Holy Temple and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of a wedding incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience generally breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the Messiah has not yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in Your City, Wherever ...
Dr Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for setting questions in final exam papers like "why do aeroplanes fly?".
In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer" exam paper contained the question "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof". Most students wrote proofs of their thoughts using Boyles Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have a mass. If they do, then a mole of souls must also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at some of the religions in the world today.
Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. As there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. Therefore with the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
Answer #1: So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Answer #2: Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulation given to me by Teresa Banyan during fresher's week that "it'll be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you" and, taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Answer#2 cannot be correct: thus Quad Erat Demonstrandum that Hell is exothermic"
> The student got the only A
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage, and in the cage was a parrot. He then asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and, gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Is this examinable?"
And Phillip said, "Is there an answer guide in the library?"
Bartholomew said. "What came after poor?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"
Mark said, "Don't take the overhead off yet."
And Matthew went to the bathroom.
One of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and enquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.
A couple preparing for a religious conversion met with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they have any final questions.
The man asked, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," replied the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," said the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," said the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man questioned.
"No problem," said the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" asked the man.
"Why not?" replied the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" insisted the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asked the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Seen scrawled on a wall in South Africa ..
I used to be an Anglican, until I put Tu & Tu together.