25 Phrases Of WisdomWork and Other Occupational HazardsWisdom of the SupermodelsAmerican popular wisdomRednecksInsurance ClaimsQuotes from the TellieQueen Mother's Remembrance BookParting RemarksUK TV Bloopers
25 Phrases Of Wisdom
Work and Other Occupational Hazards
Wisdom of the Supermodels
American popular wisdom
Rednecks
Insurance Claims
Quotes from the Tellie
Queen Mother's Remembrance Book
Parting Remarks
UK TV Bloopers
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Big Joke List
Selected from WORK AND OTHER OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS The Best Quotes and Cartoons about Making a Buck (Meadowbrook Press) by Bruce Lansky.
"A good rule of thumb is that if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still
requires you to wear a name tag, you've probably made a serious vocational error."
Dennis Miller
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
Muhammad Ali
"The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty
hours a week."
Robert Frost
"It's true that hard work never killed anybody, but I figure - why take the chance?"
Ronald Reagan
"If you get a good parking spot, you've probably shown up on the wrong day."
Sam Liebman
"To err is human, but it is against company policy."
Anonymous
"He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery."
Dorothy Parker
"Because of his ongoing ability to increase office productivity, the 'Employee of
the Month' award again goes to Mr. Coffee."
Randy Glasbergen
"Of course I came to work sick - don't think I'd waste a day at home feeling like
this!"
Tom LaFleur
"Money buys everything except love, personality, freedom, immortality, silence,
peace."
Carl Sandburg
Challenges can seem almost insurmountable at times. And things appear to be getting not only harder, but weirder as well. Many of us seek inspiration and courage from the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagvad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, the Torah. But sometimes they're not enough.
That's when you need...
THE WISDOM OF SUPERMODELS
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from
behind."
* Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
* Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
* Christie Brinkley
ON SELF-ESTEEM
"I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked
to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low
self-worth."
* Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modelling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
particular about the acting roles I take."
* Kathy Ireland, star of
'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
* Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
* Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen
anything. I don't really care."
* Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excell at
volleyball and modelling."
* Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What
if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
* Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
* Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
* Tatjana Patit
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick
tights underneath."
* Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
* Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having
little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with
sequins all over them."
* Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
* Linda Evangelista
ON THINKING
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it
doesn't work."
* Paulina Porzikova
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
* Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had
to, and I would."
* Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
* Linda Evangelista
You might be a redneck if:
True extracts from insurance claim forms. These are NEW (mostly), and are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.
"If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all over
you."
Sam Torrance, BBC2
"The band never actually split up-we just stopped speaking to each other
and went our own separate ways."
Boy George, Radio 2
"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in
formaldehyde."
Fashion Commentator, Radio 4
"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and
skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street."
Radio 1 Newsbeat
"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on decommissioning?"
Interviewer, UTV
"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil."
Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News
"...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr
Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..."
Radio 4 News
"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..."
Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister
"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which
should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than his
teammate Nakano"
Murray Walker, ITV
"A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC
"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward"
Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live
"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War
2"
ITN
"There are the boys, their balls between their legs"
Amanda Redington, GMTV
"Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron, in
search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks in
Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there"
CNN News
"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?"
Radio 4
"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him"
Commentator at Spar Athletics
"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers,
white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat"
Renton Laidlaw
"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's no
advantage"
Barry Sheene
"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away"
Gymnastics commentator, BBC1
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him
one really hard"
Ron Atkinson
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman"
Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball"
Barry Venison
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders"
Kevin Keegan
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
Kevin Keegan
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that
it's completely different"
Kevin Keegan
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it : you can see it all
over their faces"
Ron Atkinson
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to
carry on their shoulders"
Ron Atkinson
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
Ron Atkinson
"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks."
Sharron Davies, BBC
"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse."
Stephen Roche, Eurosport
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock."
Barry Venison, ITV
"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed."
Live TV
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright, ITV
"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its
past."
David Duffy, Eurosport
"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two
thirds of them."
Sean Rafferty, Radio 3
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball"
Ian St John
"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil -
or even less."
Nasser Hussain, Channel 5
"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what
it's about."
George Gavin, Sky Sport
All allegedly genuine:
"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
J.Clement. Grantham.
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was
visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the
cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the
Nazis
and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who
refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was
sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington,
Penrith.
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around
The
Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her
public
duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible
event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to
help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again
until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes,Romford.
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so
kind,
so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its
not
true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance
fraud
or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you
ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless
bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a
life of privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
Humph's parting remarks, from the last 30 years of "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue".
Well, all good things must come to an end, and so must this programme...
...and with the big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my digital watch, I notice that it is time to go...
Well, they do say that time flies when you're having fun, and to prove it I notice my sundial has stopped...
Ladies and gentlemen, as Wee Willie begins the frantic search for his winkie, I notice that we've run out of time...
Well, with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake...
Well, a quick glance at the time tells me that it's fast coming up to eighty-one hundred hours, which means, of course, that I've put my digital watch on upside-down again...
Ladies and gentlemen, one glance at my diver's watch tells me that he's probably drowned...
Well, as I see the sands of time are being washed by the Tide of eternity, it's time to decide whether it's kinder on coloured fabrics than our usual brand...
Well, as the burnished chariot of fate is wheeled-clamped by the traffic warden of eternity...
...and so, as we rapidly approach the bus stop of the Apocalypse, I notice that the Four Horsemen have all come along at the same time...
...and so, as the vanquished charwoman of time begins to Shake'N'Vac the shagpile of eternity...
...and so, as I notice the eternal flame of hope has just been put out by the fire officer of destiny with the sand bucket of fate...
...and so, as the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles towards the abattoir of destiny...
...and so, as the Rock of Ages is cleft in twain by the karate chop of fate, I notice it has 'Souvenir of Watford' written all the way through it...
...and so, as the frisky tom-cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity...
...and so, as the privatised utility of time meets the Nolan Enquiry of eternity, and the Rob Andrew of life meets the Jonah Lomu of destiny...
...and so, as the little white dot of eternity shrinks into the middle of the TV screen of destiny, while outside is parked the detector van of the Apocalypse, I see that it's time to blame the dog for eating the licence again...
...and so, as time's winged chariot hurries us off the airwaves, my mind turns to metaphysical thoughts, and the words of the great John Dunn - "That's all for now. Join me at the same time tomorrow here on Radio 2"...
...and so, as the labrador puppy of time scampers off with the toilet roll of destiny, it's time to bid the whining little child of show-business adieu once more...
...and so, as the sand castles of destiny are washed away by the incoming tide of time, it is clear that the grim deck-chair attendant of doom will shortly be upon us...
...and so, as the boiling water of time collides with the sweet and sour instant pot snack of fate, I notice that the tomato sauce sachet of destiny has been accidentally left inside...
...and so, as the still-warm seat of eternity is lifted by the charlady of time, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of destiny...
...and so, as the dandruff of time is confronted by the Head And Shoulders of destiny, and the single sock of fate succumbs to the twin-tub of eternity...
...and so, as the little Andrex puppy of time scampers onto the busy dual carriageway of destiny, and the extra strong meat vindaloo of fate confronts the 'Toilet Out Of Order' sign of eternity...
...and so, as the plastic duck of destiny has been sunk by the loofah of fate, and Old Father Time has gone wrinkly in the bath water of eternity, it must be time to pick out the short hairs of hope from the plug hole of infinity...
...and so, as the wheelie-bin of time is hoist aloft by the dustman of fate, and the broken egg shells of despair are scattered down the front path of destiny, it must be time to regret not tipping him better...
...and so, as the relentless juggernaut of time runs over the final hedgehog of hope, and the last traffic cone of fate is removed from the student bedsit of destiny...
...and so, as the Qualcast mower of time cuts through the electric flex of destiny...
...and so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair...
...and so, as the Pete Best of time picks up the redundancy notice of eternity, and the Trevor Jordash of fate glimpses the garden patio of destiny...
...and so, as the fluff-ball of time pops out of the navel of destiny, and the nylon underpants of fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of despair...
...and so, as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed minicab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity...
...and so, as the salad fork of time lifts aloft the hidden slug of fate towards the open mouth of eternity, and the hibernating tortoise of hope explodes in the microwave of infinity...
...and so, as the eternal flame of time licks hungrily around the Eurotunnel freight wagon of destiny, and the three bar electric fire of fate topples into the bubble bath of human dreams...
...and so, as the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny...
...and so, as the twin buttocks of time struggle onto the photocopier of eternity, and the tipsy secretary of fate fends off the managing director of destiny...
...and so, as the Neil Hamilton of time meets the Martin Bell of destiny, and the airport extension of life confronts the Swampy of eternity...
...and so, as the BMX Roadster of time collides with the erratic minicab of fate, and the unprotected crotch of hope slams hard against the crossbar of destiny...
...and so, as the delinquent teenager of time tastes the fatal alco-pop of eternity...
...and so, as Grandfather Time takes an absent-minded swig from Granny Time's denture mug...
...and so, as the Spanish trawler net of time ensnares the Dover sole of destiny, and the avenging Cornish crab of fate crawls up the Andalucian trouser leg of eternity...
...and so, as the rare Bengal tiger of time meanders into the cross-hair sights of Prince Philip's fateful pump-action shot gun...
...and so, as Old Father Time is finally traced to an address in Lowestoft by the Child Support Agency worker of destiny...
...and so, as the sleepy toad of time confronts the whirling hover-mower of destiny, and the unsuspecting dog of complacency cocks a leg at the electric fence of fate...
...and so, as the absent-minded zookeeper of time scrubs his loo with the startled bush-baby of hope, and the frisky King Penguin of fate approaches the small nun of destiny...
...and so, as the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity...
...and so, as the spectacular shag of time wheels high over the rock face of eternity, before being sucked into the Pratt & Whitney jet engine of destiny...
...and so, as the scales of time are confronted by the Vanessa Feltz of eternity, and the cubicle of destiny is selected by the George Michael of fate...
...and so, as the plump juicy earwig of time burrows into the uncapped toothpaste of destiny, and the hairy spider of fate lurks hungrily under the toilet seat of eternity...
...and so, as the blue-cagoulled rambler of time confronts the colour blind bull of destiny, and the dead pigeon of fate decomposes in the water tank of eternity...
...and so, as the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate...
...and so, as the Robin Cook of fate wheedles out of the public enquiry of destiny, and the Michael Howard of eternity chokes on his own smug smile of fate...
...and so, as the flatulent skunk of time wanders into the air conditioning system of eternity, and the piranha fish of fate circles hungrily in the bidet of destiny...
...and so, as the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate tries to mount the bagpipes of eternity...
...and so, as the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the crunchy fruit-and-nut meusli of destiny...
...and so, as the red-red-robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snowplough of eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation...
...and so, as the bottom of time falls out of the bin bag of destiny, and the unseen charlady of fate Mr.Sheens the formica tabletop of eternity...
...and so, as the slavering Radio 4 scheduler of time savages the airwaves of eternity, and the popular panel game of hope is axed by the cataclysmic network controller of doom...
...and so, as the pleasant sitting room of time is mutilated by the Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen of destiny...
...and so, as the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate...
...and so, as the Wispa of mortality melts into the upholstery of fate in the overheating Vauxhall of destiny, towing the caravan of doom ahead of the motorway tailback of eternity...
...and so, as the sands of time blow up the trunks of destiny, and the grit of fate lodges uncomfortably in the winkle of despair...
...and so, as the full-moon of time is glimpsed in the rugby coach window of destiny...
...and so, as the rare field mouse of time cannons out of the combine harvester of destiny, and the grey squirrel of fate nibbles hungrily at the nuts of eternity...
...and so, as the computer-generated dinosaur of time gobbles up the licence fee of eternity...
...and so, as the organically-fed pig farm of time defeats the ozone layer of destiny, and the short-sighted Aberdeen Angus of hope attempts to mount the concrete cow of eternity...
...and so, as the Wee Willy Winkie of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity...
...and so, as the Millennium Bug of fate breeds in the sewage-eating cattle of destiny, and the millennium hype of eternity bores the arse of doom off Old father Time...
...and so, as the two turtle doves of time drown in the fish tank of eternity, and the ten lords-a-leaping blast the partridge of plenty from the pear tree of hope...
...and so, as the adventurous dung-beetle of time spits out the Pot Noodle of destiny, and the toadstool of fate is plucked out of the startled toad of eternity...
...and so, as the short-sighted terrier of time chases the startled stick-insect of hope, and the supple dachshund of fate is knotted by the absent-minded balloon magician of eternity...
...and so, as the tide of time laps up against the sewage outflow of destiny, and the wind of change begins to pervade the lift of eternity...
...and so, as the Little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the Little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast...
...and so, as the David Shayler of time prepares to confront the eternal scales of justice, having long since defeated the bathroom scales of destiny...
...and so, as the cricket ball of time is whacked firmly by the bat of fate, and the wincing cricket of destiny pleads with the bat to stop...
...and so, as the elegant swan of time glides onto the bank of destiny, while the rescue dinghy of hope crashes into the first floor of the Post Office...
...and so, as the La-La of time plays with the Tinky-Winky of destiny, and the Dipsy of fate sits on the Po of eternity...
...and so, as the sleeping princess of time lies undisturbed on the pea of fate, thanks to the rubber bedsheet of eternity...
...and so, as the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity...
...and so, as the actress of time said to the bishop of destiny, "That's that finished again for another week!"...
...and so, as the PC of time crashes on the superhighway of fate, and the sergeant of doom takes his bent panda car away...
...and so, as the hot custard of time dribbles down the spotted dick of destiny, and the clumsy nurse of fate is deafened by the screaming patient of eternity...
...and so, as the Mr.Sheens of time sprays over the coffee table of fate, while the Mrs.Sheens of destiny quickly ushers him out of Habitat...
...and so, as the short-sighted stick insect of time attempts to mate with the left over Twiglet of fate, and the laughing hyena of eternity is silenced by the Joe Pasquale of doom...
...and so, as the golf ball of time rolls down the rabbit hole of destiny, and the half-eaten Mars bar of fate melts forgotten in the pocket of my new cricket whites... -
...and so, as the irritating caraway seed of fate is removed by the dental floss of destiny... -
...and so, as the frisky goose of time is formally reported by the angry waitress of destiny...
...and so, as the jersey of time is tumble-dried with the Comfort of eternity, and the farmer of destiny wonders how his cow got into the washing machine...
...and so, as the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger Dentufix...
...and so, as the Ann Robinson of time says 'Goodbye' to the weakest link of fate, and the house-brick of doom hurtles through the TV screen of eternity...
...and so, as the greyhound of destiny savages the electric rabbit of fate, and the manager of Mothercare chases the greyhound out of the shop...
...and so, as the squirrel of time nibbles on the nuts of eternity, while the irritated bulldog of destiny tries to shake him off...
...well, as the smouldering embers of time fade peacefully in the brazierre of eternity...
...well, as the Father Christmas of time gleefully reads the cards in the telephone box of eternity...
We've reached the moment that never fails to bring a lump to the eye and a tear to the throat...
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest Finger first by herself in bed last night."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."
CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you."
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."