Humorous Quotations and Sayings

Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate

'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right knee.' - Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush

'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.- Alan Shearer

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker

Quotes From Offices

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Found on toilet walls

Chinese Subtitles

These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong. (Allegedly!)

Canine Quotations

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas

Alcohol and Product Liability

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

Resignation Letters

An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group have worked well, but, yet have been criminally overlooked.

Dear Unpersonable B*tch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company. It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job.

I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realise that you cannot manage your way out of a paper bag.

Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.

Dear John:
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.

Mr. X,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f**k with your sys admin, because they know what you do with all your free time.

If...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
if you can face the world without lies and deceit,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without liquor,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

Humorous Quotations and Sayings - Page 7

Footballers aren't stupid ?!?!