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Can One Ever Have Too Much Wisdom?
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Big Joke List
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
First let's hear from the man who started it all..
David Coleman
"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?"
Over to you, Motty...
"I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted ..." France v Bulgaria
"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
"For those of you watching in Black and White, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
Motty on form in the Columbia v Tunisia game, after Tunisia made a substitution: "They've now got Ben Younes, Ben Ahmed and Ben Slimane. I think we'll have to stick to using just their surnames." Sure enough he went on to refer to them as Younes, Ahmed and Slimane.
Terry Venables...
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."
Come on in, Brian, the water's lovely...
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman"
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off"
"They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
Now some Big Rons...
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw" "He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard"
"I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help"
"There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch." - Ron lauds Gordon Strachan, 39.
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
World Cup Specials
"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him"
David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball"
Ian St John
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
Ian St John
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball"
Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't"
Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air"
Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss."
Bobby Robson
Kevin Keegan
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game"
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders"
"Only one team can win this game - and that team is England" (closely followed by Brian's: "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu...................!")
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
"Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough, er, people waving to the generals as they, er, walk past."
Murray Walkerballs
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers"
And a mixed bag of also rans...
"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams..."
Morton fans taunting the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.
"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
George Best.
"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
Andy Gray, Sky Sport
Richard Keys : "Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?"
Roy Evans : "You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard."
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
ALAN BALL
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
TREVOR BROOKING
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
DAVE BASSETT
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
PETER JONES
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
JIMMY HILL
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
DAVID ACFIELD
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis
"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
Mick Lyons
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland (1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce (1992)
"Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate."
Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton
"If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim"
Berti Vogts, Germany coach
"You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey"
Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record
"Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time"
Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach
"Why didn't you just belt it son?"
Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss
"The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney"
Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon
"I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head off and then smeared blood over my forehead"
Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey
"If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them"
Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game
"The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil"
Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live
"I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place"
Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare
"This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players"
praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach
"There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names"
David Ginola of Newcastle and France
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up"
Ian Wright on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism
"It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year"
Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds
"The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers"
Ian Wright
"Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls"
5 Live's Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem"
(Howard Wilkinson)
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
(Bobby Robson)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
(John Arlott)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
(Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"
(Harry Carpenter)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"
(Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised"
(Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)
"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a shooting stick."
(Brian Johnston)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square"
(Trevor Bailey)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francome)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running"
(Ron Pickering)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales"
(Ron Greenwood)
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin"
(Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
(Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him"
(Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
(John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round."
(Tony Crozier)
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
RAY WILKINS, BBC1
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
ALAN SUGAR, BBC1
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
Carling FA Premiership WWW Page
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
DAVE BASSETT, Sky Sports
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
PETER WITHE, Radio 5 Live
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
ALAN GREEN, Radio 5 Live
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
SIMON FANSHAWE, Talk Radio
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special
"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
ALEX FERGUSON
"Brian Laudrup wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
TREVOR STEVEN, STV
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day
"He's an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side."
GARY LINEKER, BBC
"We say `educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
RON JONES, Radio 5 Live
"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal."
BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
BRUCE RIOCH, ITV
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."
IAN DARKE, Radio 5
"He had to cut back inside onto his left foot because he literally hasn't got a right foot."
David Pleat during the United States' game against Iran
"Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that"
Desmond Lynam
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
Ruud Gullit
"Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy."
Jimmy Magee, RTE
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Commentator)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. The game's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
"I'd like to play for an Italian club , like Barcelona"
Mark Draper (Aston Villa)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
RTE's (Ireland) - George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992
"Ach, not the Dutch again. You are all assholes anyway and Adolf should have gotten rid of you."
Lothar Mattaus after being cornered by a Dutch TV camera crew at Bayern Munich's training ground in 1994.
"He left the same way he arrived - fired with enthusiasm"
Joe Lovejoy of the Sunday Times on the sacking of Graham Taylor as England Manager.
"I've always said there's a place for the press, but they haven't dug it yet"
Tommy Docherty.
"It's just another case of the nigger in the woodpile, isn't it?"
Geoff Hurst commentating for ITV, while sitting next to Garth Crooks.
"England have not won a game for three months. The fact that we have not played one is irrelevant. Graham Taylor should hang, and so should his successor"
Item in Viz, September, 1993
"The only mates he had in all his time at Liverpool were straight out of the vending machine"
Tommy Smith on Emlyn Hughes. [for non-Brits, "Mates" are the name of a condom brand in the UK]
"A million wouldn't buy him, and I'd be one of them."
Bill Shankley-Liverpool Manager.
"Viv Anderson has pissed a fatness test."
ITV commentator John Helm.
"We've been playing for 61 minutes here in Serravalle, and it's just occurred to me that Scotland are drawing 0-0 with a mountaintop"
BBC Radio Scotland commentator Ian Archer on San Marino v Scotland,May,1991.
"The symbol of peace...the pigeon!"
RTE's Jimmy Magee at the 1982 World Cup finals opening ceremony.
"I expect them to come out - oh dear, I'd better not say fighting, had I?"
Tottenham assistant coach Peter Shreeves on European Cup-Winners Cup opponents Hajduk Split of Croatia
"LOONY ROONS BARGY ARGIES!"
Headline in The Sun following Cameroon's 1-0 victory over defending champions Argentina in the opening match of Italia'90.
"I used to go missing a lot - Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss Germany..."
George Best.
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
Tom Ferrie
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
Ian Dark
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
Trevor Brooking
"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."
Trevor Brooking
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
Trevor Brooking
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio
Gerry Francis
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
David Acfield
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
John Lyall
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
Peter Jones
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favor."
John Motson
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
Jimmy Hill
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
Sports RoundUp
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
Kevin Keegan
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona"
Kevin Keegan
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"
Kevin Keegan
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
Richard Park
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
Alan Green
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
John Hollins
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
Dave Bassett
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
Dave Bassett
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
Bobby Robson
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bobby Robson
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers"
Mick Lyons
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
Malcolm McDonald
"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
Malcolm McDonald
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland (1994)
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun."
Bobby Charlton
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
Mike Ingham
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
Alan Parry
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
James Sanderson
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
Ron Greenwood
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
Ron Greenwood
"Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson"
Ron Greenwood
The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
Derek Rae
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs"
Denis Law
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man."
Norman Whiteside
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
Martin Hodge
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
Ron Atkinson
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
Ron Atkinson
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
Ron Atkinson
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
John Greig
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
John Greig
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
Alan Ball
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."
John Gidman
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
Mike Ingham
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
Ron Atkinson
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
Jimmy Hill
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
Brian Moore
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
Brain Moore
Jimmy Hill "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"
"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
Terry Venables
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables
"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury."
Ray French
"I never make predictions and I never will."
Paul Gascoigne
"When an expatriate team play a local Indonesian team, the expatriate team always wins"
Tony Winyard, before ISCI got hammered by an Indonesian team at the 1996 Jakarta Highland Games
"If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have
been all over you."
Sam Torrance (Golfer), BBC2
"The band never actually split up-we just stopped speaking to
each other and went our own separate ways."
Boy George, Radio 2
"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in
formaldehyde."
Fashion Commentator, Radio 4
"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive,
and skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street."
Radio 1 Newsbeat
"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on
decommissioning?"
Interviewer, UTV
"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American
soil."
Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News
"...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the
Pacific. Mr Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach
America..."
Radio 4 News
"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one
hand..."
Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister
"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli,
which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more
slowly than his teammate Nakano"
Murray Walker, ITV
"A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC
"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward"
Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live
"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since
World War 2"
ITN
"There are the boys, their balls between their legs"
Amanda Redington, GMTV
"Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of
Hebron, in search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb
attacks in Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there"
CNN News
"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?"
Radio 4
"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him"
Commentator at Spar Athletics
"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue
trousers, white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat"
Renton Laidlaw
"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike,
there's no advantage"
Barry Sheene
"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing
away"
Gymnastics commentator, BBC1
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and
give him one really hard"
Ron Atkinson
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman"
Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the
finish"
Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball"
Barry Venison
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders"
Kevin Keegan
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
Kevin Keegan
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today,
except that it's completely different"
Kevin Keegan
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it : you can
see it all over their faces"
Ron Atkinson
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have
a lot to carry on their shoulders"
Ron Atkinson
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
Ron Atkinson
"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks."
Sharron Davies
"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse."
Stephen Roche, Eurosport
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously
my right sock."
Barry Venison, ITV
"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed."
Live TV
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright, ITV
"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been
part of its past."
David Duffy, Eurosport
"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at
least two thirds of them."
Sean Rafferty, Radio 3
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball"
Ian St John
"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one
goal to nil - or even less."
Nasser Hussain, Channel 5
"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell
us what it's about."
George Gavin, Sky Sport
"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned
20 a few weeks ago"
David Coleman
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
David Coleman
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start
of the race, only exactly the opposite"
Murray Walker
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
Bobby Robson
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
David Coleman
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
Ian Rush
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you
think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then
they equalised"
Ian McNail
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the
habit of a lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than
lost"
Frank Bruno
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
David Coleman
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
David Coleman
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which is identical"
Murray Walker
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
Greg Norman
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none
of them serious"
Alan Minter
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they
are running"
Ron Pickering
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in
round numbers"
Murray Walker
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides
like Brazil than English sides like Wales"
Ron Greenwood
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from
a stress fracture of the shin"
Jo Sheldon
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
Ron Pickering
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
Ted Lowe
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact
I'm right behind him"
Stuart Pearson
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
Marlon Starling
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again"
Terry Venables
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
John Snagge - Boat Race
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is
absolutely round."
Tony Cozier
"And now excuse me while I interrupt myself..."
"Either the car is stationary or it's on the move."
"Tambay's hopes, which were previously nil, are now absolutely zero."
"I've just stopped my startwatch."
"That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he didn't overtake Alain Prost."
"A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been."
"Martin Schanche's car is absolutely unique except for the one behind, which is identical."
"Two laps to go, then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is."
"The young Ralf Schumacher has been upstaged by the teenager Jenson Button, who is 20."
"It's a sad ending albeit a happy one here at Montreal for today's grand prix."
"The first four cars are both on the same tyres."
"Unless I'm very much mistaken... yes, I AM very much mistaken."
"There's nothing wrong with the car except it's on fire."
"With the race half gone there is half the race still to go."
"I imagine the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable."
"The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump."
"Prost can see Mansell in his earphones."
"Either that car is stationary or it is on the move."
"And now the boot is on the other Schumacher."
"Do my eyes deceive me or is Senna's car sounding a bit rough?"
"Damon Hill is leading. Behind him are the second and third men."
"There's only a second between them. One. Thats how long a second is."
"There is no doubt in my mind that if the race had been 46 laps instead of 45 it would have been a McLaren first and second. But it didn't so it wasn't."
"And it's Mansell, Mansell, Mansell... Nigel Mansell." [it was actually Alain Prost]
"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it."
"Anything happens in grand prix racing and it usually does."
"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place."
"He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car."
Murray: "What's that? There's a body on the track!"
James Hunt: "Um, I think that that is a piece of bodywork from
someone's car."
Murray: "There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari."
James Hunt: "No Murray, that's his rear safety light."
"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."
"You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one."
"And we've had five races so far this year - Brazil, Argentina, Imola, Schumacher and Monaco."
"And Damon Hill is coming into the pit lane, yes it's Damon Hill coming into the Williams pit and Damon Hill is in the pit, no it's Michael Schumacher."
"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth."
"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem."
"And this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car."
Murray: "So Bernie, in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren,
which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable?"
Bernie Ecclestone: "Well I don't remember buying McLaren."
"Andrea de Cesaris... The man who has won more grand prix than anyone else without actually winning one of them."
"Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end."
"Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground."
And don't forget Ritchie Benaud: "He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time."
A little less tilde-ishly, there are always Tony Grieg's gems:
"In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one."
"Lloyd's talking to his slippers."
"And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast. "
But one who seeks to capture the real spirit of cricket must turn to Tony Benneworth:
"It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket."
Tambays hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.
Do my eyes deceive me or is Senna's engine sounding rough?
He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it.
With half the race gone there is still half the race to go.
The lead car is absolutely unique - except for the car be hind which is absolutely identical.
There is nothing wrong with the car - except that it's on fire!
And now excuse me while I interrupt my self........
I imagine the conditions in those cars are completely unimaginable.
The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump
Damon Hill is leading. Behind him are the second and third men.
Either that car is stationary or it is on the move.
A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been.
Prost can now see Mansell in his earphones.
There's only one second between them. One . That's how long a second is.
Unless I'm very much mistaken.....yes I AM very much mistaken.
On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
"WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"
We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the
bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and lo and
behold the first instruction was
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!
Warning on a curling iron:
Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice...
My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots
in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed
to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label
stated,
"Only use in well ventilated areas."
Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."
On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."
On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
On a container of lighter fluid:
WARNING: Contents flammable!
On a bottle of hand lotion:
Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.
On a box of household nails:
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is
Remove plastic.
On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better.
Below in small print it said
"Lab test: (their product) vs. water.
On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was
better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters,
"vs. using no adhesive".
I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.
One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer
when I read the warnings it said
"DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"
Seen on the back of a drink bottle label:
"Do not peel label off."
On a Band-Aid box:
"For serious injuries, seek medical attention."
On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."
Like I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!
This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"
This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments:
"Do not turn upside down."
On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo,
"Tastes so good this box never closes,"
is located just underneath another announcement:
"To close: place tab here."
On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."
I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said
"No purchase necessary - Details Inside."
Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos:
Dip chips in cheese and salsa.
The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying,
"Not for highway use."
On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in
households with pets
Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."
While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction
worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he
was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer
were the words,
'Use protective eyewear.'
On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign
that states:
"Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."
On the label of Sterno is a warning that says,
"Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!
Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium
On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said:
"Do not spray into electrical outlet."
Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was
the (large lettered) sign:
"Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."
There is also a stroller on the market with the warning,
"Remove child before folding."
I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks.
At the end of the ad in small letters it read:
"Caution, do not drive underwater"