"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush, Jr
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother a child."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The future will be better tomorrow."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my
answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The
rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are
to blame.
George W. Bush, Jr.
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Governor George W Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
Governor George W.Bush, Jr.
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
George Bush may or may not make."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one. "
- RTE Commentator George Hamilton
"The mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
- Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would."
- Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.
"Clap your feet!"
- Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!"
- George Hamilton as Butraguenio comes off against Ireland.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going
to feed them?"
- Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism
by putting gondolas on Blessington Lake.
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds."
- Rev.Ian Paisley.
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer."
- Aer Lingus spokesman.
"Deep down I'm a very shallow person."
- Charles Haughey.
"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it."
- Jack Charlton on hurling.
"Outside HIV in Grafton Street."
- Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance.
THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE
- The Sun
VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN
- Irish Times
SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA
- Irish Times
DOG SHOOTS MAN
- Evening Press
TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES
- Feile '92
RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE
- Star
MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH
- Irish Times
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
- Irish Times.
"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into
an allegation that a local garda shot a cow. There has been no
statement from the cow."
- Irish press.
"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo. They can go
out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play
bingo. And they deserve it."
- John B. Keane.
Jim Mitchell TD: You're always mixing me up with someone else.
Joe Brennan: Yes, I'm always confusing you with that fellow Mitchell
"Ludicrous. Ridiculous."
- 1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.
"Get married again."
- Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension.
Irish Indo after the Gardai raided a massage parlor (knocking shop)
in Rathmines. This is the arresting Garda's testimony:
"When we entered the premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused
state. When asked the reason for his presence at the establishment,
he said he was being treated for a GAA injury."
Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government
by force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.
"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you
have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed."
- Bono.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough."
- Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?"
Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS"
"Stephen Roche, the only British or Irish cyclist to win the Tour De France."
- ITV commentator.
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet"
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator . . . .
I'll give you a hint. It's something you suck"
Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies."
(Murray Walker is the correct answer).
Larry Gogan: "Complete this well known phrase. 'As happy as. . . . .' A hint - think of me."
Contestant: "Flies on shite."
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
YOGURT
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash
and squid.
RECIPE
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to
make a dish the dog won't eat.
PORRIDGE
Thick oatmeal rarely found on kitchen tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE."
PRE-HEAT
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the
food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
OVEN
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces
of meat and poultry.
MICROWAVE OVEN
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar
to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.
CALORIE
Basic measure of the amount of rationalisation offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that worked. --John Gall
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any
invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of
handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe
A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your
program dies, it is an 'idiosyncrasy'. Frequently, crashes are
followed with a message like 'ID 02'. 'ID' is an abbreviation for
idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many
more months of testing the product should have had. --Guy
Kawasaki
A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into
error messages. --Anonymous
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy
actors. --Anonymous
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
--Rich Kulawiec
As a rule, software systems do not work well until they have
been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications.
--Dave Parnas
As soon as we started programming, we found out to our
surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had
thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the
exact instant when I realised that a large part of my life from
then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own
programs. --Maurice Wilkes
Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though. --Anonymous
BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social
diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite
company. --Anonymous
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. --Leonard
Brandwein
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. --Bjarne
Stroustrup
COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key.
--Anonymous
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a
million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like
Shakespeare! --Blair Houghton
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo
Picasso
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
--Anonymous
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949
Cyberspace: A consensual hallucination experienced daily by
billions of legitimate operators, in every nation. --William
Gibson
Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with
reluctance, and bragged about forever. --Anonymous
Don't get suckered in by the comments ... they can terribly be
misleading. --Dave Storer
Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can. --Anonymous
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... --Anonymous
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
-Anonymous
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng. --Anonymous
General Failure's Fault. Not Yours. --Anonymous
Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the
Internet. --Karl Kleinpaste
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff
Pesis
He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no
heart. He who does as an adult has no brain. --John Moore
Hit any user to continue. --Anonymous
I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them. --Isaac Asimov
I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to
myself. --Anonymous
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says
something about human nature that the only form of life we
have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in
our own image. --Stephen Hawking
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
I used to think that cyberspace was fifty years away. What I
thought was fifty years away, was only ten years away. And
what I thought was ten years away... it was already here. I just
wasn't aware of it yet. --Bruce Sterling
I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even
though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I
worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will
come to me and say 'Daddy, where were you when they took
freedom of the press away from the Internet?' -Mike Godwin
If a train station is where the train stops, what's a
workstation...? --Anonymous
If the automobile had followed the same development as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million
miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone
inside. --Robert Cringely
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as
the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one
million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing
everyone inside. --Robert X Cringely
If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers
should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying
whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus
on programming as a source of ideas. --Harold Abelson
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.
--Anonymous
If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters
typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected
works of Usenet in about ... five minutes. --Anonymous
If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going
to stop you. --Matt Welsh
Information Superhighway is really an acronym for 'Interactive
Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And
Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing
Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying
Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos'. --Keven Kwaku
Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium. --Anonymous
Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some
people it is a complete substitute for life. --Andrew Brown
It's easy to cry 'bug' when the truth is that you've got a complex
system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the
components to co-exist peacefully. --Doug Vargas
Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it
looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes
of fame. --MG Siriam
Mosaic is the 1990s equivalent of forcing friends to sit through
slides of your trip to Florida - painful for everyone but the host.
--Steve G. Steinberg
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. --Steve
Wozniak
Old hackers never die. They just go to Bitnet. --Anonymous
Old programmers never die. They just branch out to a new
address. --Anonymous
Old programmers never die. They just can't C as well.
--Anonymous
Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector. --Anonymous
Optimisation hinders evolution. --Anonymous
Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang
yourself. --Anonymous
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. --Anonymous
Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after
RSA encryption. --Keith Bostic
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! --Anonymous
Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI
using Roman numerals. --Henry Spencer
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support
it for the rest of your life. --Michael Sinz
Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the
Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the
Universe is winning. --Rich Cook
Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals
... with their eyes opened. --ricS Real programmers can write
assembly code in any language. --Larry Wall
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand. --Anonymous
Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real
programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all
night. --Anonymous
Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers
who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
--Anonymous
Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying.
--Anonymous
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
--Anonymous
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. --Anonymous
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than
spending the rest of the week debuging Monday's code. --Dan
Salomon
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_| -Anonymous
Surfing on the Internet is like sex; everyone boasts about doing
more than they actually do. But in the case of the Internet, it's a
lot more. --Tom Fasulo
The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in
Wonderland; but that's because it's the best book on anything
for layman. --Anonymous
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec.
--Marcus Dolengo
The computer is a moron. --Peter Drucker
The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he
alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity
can be created in the form of computer programs. --Joseph
Weizenbaum
The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get
as smart as men, but we will meanwhile agree to meet them
halfway. --Bernard Avishai
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last
at least until we've finished building it. --Anonymous
The Internet is like a giant jellyfish. You can't step on it. You
can't go around it. You've got to get through it. --John Evans
The Internet is like a vault with a screen door on the back. I
don't need jackhammers and atom bomb to get in when I can
walk through the door. --Anonymous
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts
agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer
professionals. We cause accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts
agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer
professionals. We cause accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if
they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a
little. --Porterfield
The Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about
it. --William Gibson
The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software
makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe.
--Anonymous
The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score
is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.
--Adam Smith
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out... --Anonymous
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD
and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. --Jeremy S.
Anderson
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way
is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies,
and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no
obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
--C.A.R. Hoare
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third
one works. --Anonymous
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more
so. --Orben's Current Comedy
URLs are the 800 numbers of the 1990's. --Chris Clark
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.
--Computer Museum (Boston)
Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to
the jaw. --Computer Museum (Boston)
Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a
window. --Anonymous
WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
--Anonymous
We're thinking about upgrading from SunOS 4.1.1 to SunOS 3.5.
--Henry Spencer
What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.
--Anonymous
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
--Anonymous
Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
--Anonymous
Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
--Anonymous
Now the fact that the legendary BBC commentator, David Coleman, has hung
up his microphone (you become legendary when you retire - George Best is
legendary; he was once called a drunken slob when still playing for
Manchester United) does not mean that the famous
Private Eye term for
commentating mistakes when under pressure "Colmanballs" has disappeared.
It has become part of the language. In any event Coleman was at the
Sydney Olympics. In an (vain) attempt to stop such gaffes, the BBC put up
a notice board in the sports team office in Sydney, on which each blunder
was noted. According to Steve Rider, Guest Presenter at the OAG awards,
these were some of the best:-
Stuart Storey at the basketball:
"He dribbles a lot and his team mates don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces"
A high profile member of the Dream Team basketball squad:
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat!"
Michael Tucker at the 3 day Equestrian Event:
"Here comes Pippa Funnell on Sanyo Mix and Match - lovely sight, I once
rode her mother"
David Vine at the Women's Weightlifting Event:
"Next up the Bulgarian. She's got a real talent - I saw her snatch this
morning and she can definitely win this"
At the Para Olympics Paul Dickenson, headed for the pool where he
introduced the 400 metre freestyle relay for amputees by telling us that
Bernie Clarke would take the final leg for Britain.
His other classic:
"This wheelchair event has really come on leaps and
bounds."
And an unknown commentator on the 110 metre relay:
"He failed to piss the button" (with respects to Hallo Hallo)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you voted for Bush you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in
Washington.
-- Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-- Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge,Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-- Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
-- Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-- The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her shit.
-- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
To do is to be. -- Descartes
To be is to do. -- Voltaire
Do be do be do. -- Frank Sinatra
-- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. Better still, do both, get married!
-- Men's restroom, Barnes & Noble, Irvine California
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-- Men's restroom, Arby's, Miami, Florida
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have
trouble with it.
-- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if He had invested?
-- Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less
-- Sign over urinal, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
-- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
-- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
Bushisms