"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
Doug Gwyn
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning."
Rich Cook
"True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see..."
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
Rich Julius
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct,
not tried it."
Donald Knuth
"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
Bjarne Stroustrup
"I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, I'd kill him to get him
out of the gene pool."
Joseph Costello, President of Cadence
"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at
every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a
DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the
constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the
value of pi change."
FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence."
E. W. Dijkstra
"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration."
Dijkstra
"A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare.
On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients
installing new versions of their own innards!"
Michael O'Brien
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly
language."
"Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it."
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it
to turn one's input into error messages.
PROGRAM - v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's
head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for
reward.
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you
pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep
pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the
pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough
to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power
to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability
of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get
to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before
you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from
the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they
should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per
hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
(Isn't that why they came up with checklists? :)
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are,
however, no old, bold pilots.
Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11
things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real
world. This gives me cause to think there may be some good points to Gates!
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to
accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't
have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes - learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to
you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the
parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own
room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In
some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few
employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own
time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the
coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Amusing things said by drivers on the underground ....
Heard at Earl's Court:
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green
but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to
Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going
to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think.
On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is
a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because
I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line:
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria line:
"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next
to you is wearing a good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all
again Monday morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.'
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):
"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling
at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing
hand stuck in the door'
At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we
will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an
altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time
in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15
degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill
east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a
colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "bollocks to the
lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober. --- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools. --- Ernest Hemingway, "For Whom the Bell Tolls"
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut. --- Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --- Dean
Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --- Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as
drink. --- G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --- Catherine
Zandonella
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure. --- Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. ---
Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast --- W.C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I
also keep handy. --- W.C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. --- W.C. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish
fluid they force down helpless babies. --- W.C. Fields
Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at
eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. ---
George Bernard Shaw
When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink. --- Francois Rabelais
The drunkard smells of whiskey—but so does the bartender. --- Jewish
saying
There should be asylums for habitual teetotallers, but they would probably
relapse into teetotalism as soon as they came out. --Samuel Butler
I'm not as think as you drunk I am. --- John Squire
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony. --- Robert Benchley
I drink to make other people more interesting. --- George Jean Nathan
It's better to be dead drunk than dead hungry. --- Folk saying
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good
time. --- Lady Astor
Occasionally he takes an alcoholic day. --- Oscar Wilde
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right
out of the bottle. --- Henny Youngman
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --- Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --- Henny
Youngman
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life. --- Anonymous
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. --- Tom
Waits
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --- Anonymous
'God in His goodness sent the grapes,
To cheer both great and small;
Little fools will drink too much,
And great fools not at all.' --- Anonymous
A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world
---Louis Pasteur.
The world needs water. For every bottle of wine you drink you contribute to
conserving the drinking water reserves --- Paul Emil Victor (polar-
explorer)
Be careful to trust a person, who does not like wine. --- Karl Marx
If a life of wine, women and song get too much, give up the singing ---
Anonymous
Woman's Quote of the Day: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Man's Quote of the Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out
fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with
age, until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
The love of wine may almost be classed with the innate principles of our
very being. --- Anonymous, The Wine-Drinker's Manual, 1830.
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it. ---
Anonymous.
Wine is the most civilised thing in the world --- Ernest Hemingway.
This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for
thoughts. --- Samuel Johnson, 1778.
Wine gives a man nothing. It neither gives him knowledge nor wit; it only
animates a man, and enables him to bring out what a dread of the company
has repressed. It only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.---
Samuel Johnson, 1778
Wine is only sweet to happy men. - John Keats, 1819
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well
preserved. - On her 100th birthday, 1991. Columbia Dictionary of
Quotations, 1995.
It is my wish that an unforgettable wine should live on after me.---
Ch'teau Pichon Longueville Comtesse de Lalande.
Wine has inspired invention, animated religion, made men vociferous,
nourished beliefs, kindled wrath, provoked love and lust and softened hard
beds. --- London Times, 'Wine Merchants Uncorked'
Wine was born, not invented. Like an old friend, it continues to surprise
us in new and unexpected ways --- Dr. Salvatore P. Lucia
Beer is made by men, wine by God! --- Martin Luther.
Wine is made to be drunk as women are made to be loved; profit by the
freshness of youth or the splendour of maturity; do not await decrepitude.
--- Theophile Malvezin.
I think wine has taken over from the toys of the old days like watches and
cars. Wine shows you have money, but it also shows you have taste. ---
Thomas Matthews
Why is there so much wine left at the end of my money? --- Milan
Maximovich
Wine has been with us since the beginning of civilization. It is the
temperate, civilised, sacred, romantic mealtime beverage recommended in
the Bible. Wine has been praised for centuries by statesmen, philosophers,
poets, and scholars. Wine in moderation is an integral part of our
culture, heritage and gracious way of life. --- Robert Mondavi.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that's
the one thing I'm indebted to her for. --- W. C. Fields
Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass
of Chambertin. --- Napoleon.
Clearly, the pleasures wines afford are transitory, but so are those of
the ballet, or of a musical performance. Wine is inspiring and adds
greatly to the joy of living. --- Napoleon.
The juice of the grape is the liquid quintessence of concentrated
sunbeams. --- Thomas Love Peacock
Wine is an old man's milk. --- Antonio Perez
And wine can of their wits the wise beguile, Make the sage frolic, and the
serious smile.--- Alexander Pope
Men are like wine - some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
--- Pope John XXIII
Wine offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than possibly
any other purely sensory thing which may be purchased. --- Ernest
Hemingway.
Sally: Do you have any other words of wisdom for us today?
Sharon: Well,
one of the words we live by is, "Life is too short to drink bad wine." ---
Sharon Tyler-Herbst, 1997.
Drink wine, and live here blitheful while ye may; The morrow's life too
late is, live to-day.--- Robert Herrick
Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appears
to be best in four things -old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old
friends to trust, and old authors to read. --- Francis Bacon, 1624
Drink wine, drink poetry, drink virtue --- Charles Baudelaire.
WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as
liquor, sometimes as rum. Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. ---
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911.
Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk. --- Ambrose Bierce, The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary.
Wine is the drink of the gods, milk the drink of babes, tea the drink of
women, and water the drink of beasts. --- John Stuart Blackie.
Wine is a little like love. When the right one comes along, you know it!
--- Bolla Wines
Drinking good wine with good food in good company is one of life's most
civilised pleasures. --- Michael Broadbent.
A man who could sit under the shade of his own vine with his wife and his
children about him and the ripe clusters hanging within their reach in
such a climate as this and not feel the highest enjoyment, is incapable of
happiness. --- Wine Quotations, Helen Exley, 1994.
Wine cheers the sad, revives the old, inspires the young, makes weariness
forget his toil --- Lord Byron.
Only in regard to wine did he have no limits. --- Confucius, Analects,
Book 10
Wine, like the rising sun, possession gains, And drives the mist of
dullness from the brains --- George Crabbe
He who drinks gets drunk;
He who get drunk goes to sleep;
He who goes to sleep does not sin;
He who does not sin goes to heaven;
So let's all drink and go to Heaven.
--- Teri Fortino-Dauenhauer.
Wine … the intellectual part of the meal. --- Alexandre Dumas, 1873
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food!! --- Leslie Duncan,
1998.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. ---
Steven Wright
No nation is drunken where wine is cheap, and none sober where the
dearness of wine substitutes ardent spirits as the common beverage ---
Thomas Jefferson
I'll never be able to afford it so I better buy it now. --- Andrew
Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more
tolerance. --- Benjamin Franklin
The First Duty of wine is to be Red...the second is to be a Burgundy ---
Harry Waugh
Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say it makes him more
pleasing to others. --- Samuel Johnson
From wine what sudden friendship springs! --- John Gay "The Squire and the
Cur," 'Fables'
Wine is a living liquid containing no preservatives. Its life cycle
comprises youth, maturity, old age, and death. When not treated with
reasonable respect it will sicken and die. --- Julia Child
Compromises are for relationships, not wine.--- Sir Robert Scott Caywood
I like best the wine drunk at the cost of others. --- Diogenes, Dictionary
of Quotations, Bergen Evans, 1968.
Montrachet should be drunk kneeling, with one's head bared - ?
Where there is no wine there is no love. --- Euripides.
A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover.
--- Clifton Fadiman, 1987.
If food is the body of good living, wine is its soul - Clifton Fadiman:
[Making wine] is like having children; you love them all, but boy, are
they different. --- Bunny Finkelstein
Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence --- Robert Fripp:
Fill ev'ry glass, for wine inspires us,
And fires us
With courage, love and joy
Women and wine should life employ.
Is there ought else on earth desirous?
--- John Gay, The Beggar's Opera, 1728.
I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old
books, old wine. --- Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer.
Wine can of their wits the wise beguile, Make the sage frolic, and the
serious smile.--- Homer, The Odyssey.
Wine gives strength to weary men. --- Homer.
Wine brings to light the hidden secrets of the soul, gives being to our
hopes, bids the coward flight, drives dull care away, and teaches new
means for the accomplishment of our wishes. --- Horace
Wine rejoices the heart of man and joy is the mother of all virtues ---
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1771.
Like the gironde that runs through the finest vines on Earth, the good
wine deservingly runs through the veins of the mortal man.--- Terence Koh,
1997
Traveller, stay thy steps,
and on the hillside contemplate these peerless vines:
They are monuments worthy of thy gaze.
Oh taste and see how delectable this pure wine,
how wondrous its bouquet,
And give praise to God, the creator of such great blessings.
--- Louis Gaspard d'ESTOURNEL, 1830
Total strangers meet
for the first time And as the evening
A rendezvous made took its toll
for the love of wine They parted
With yet another meeting in mind
Conversation exchanged Like long lost friends
while they dined A passion shared
The passion shared They closely bind
entwined them like vines
--- Terence Koh (31 Oct 98)
Mellow not my mind with time. But age it with the peerless wine ---
Terence Koh (16 Dec 98)
J'aime le bon vin comme la vie... ("I love good wine like like I love the
life...") --- Terence Koh (31 Dec 98)
Wine, in all its goodness, should be appreciated with an open mind. ---
Terence Koh (8 Feb 99)
The Simpsons... Cecil: Would you care for wine? I have an '82 Latour, and a
rather indifferent Rausan-Segla.
Sideshow Bob: Cecil, I've been in prison for five years. I'll be happy as
long as it doesn't taste like orange juice that's been fermented behind a
radiator.
Cecil: That'd be the Latour, then.
In the "Muppet Movie (79)". The Scene: Kermit and Miss Piggy have a
romantic table in a somewhat less than fine restaurant. A bottle of wine
is chilling in a bucket on the table.
Kermit: Oh waiter! Waiter!
Waiter (played by Steve Martin): What? What do you want?
Kermit: You may serve us the wine now.
Waiter [sarcastically]: Oh, may I?
Waiter presents the wine to Kermit and Miss Piggy with a flourish.
Miss Piggy: Oooh Kermie, you got Champagne!
Waiter [inspecting the label]; Not exactly. It's sparkling Muscatel. One
of the finest wines of Idaho.
Waiter removes the capsule and pops off the bottle cap.
Waiter: Would you like to smell the ... bottle cap?
Kermit sniffs and nods. Waiter fills one of the glasses.
Waiter: Do you want to taste the wine first?
Miss Piggy [whispering to Kermit]: I think you are supposed to let him do
it.
Kermit: Would you taste it for us.
Waiter gets shocked look on his face. He resignedly takes a sip, squinches
up his face and quickly spins around to spit out the wine.
Waiter: Excellent choice!
Waiter tops off the glass and fills the other.
Miss Piggy: May we have two straws please?
Waiter: Of course...I expected that.
Waiter produces two straws from his vest.
Kermit: That will be all.
Waiter [bowing many times]: Oh, thank you. Thank you
Health and Wine
Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach
and your frequent illnesses. --- 1 Timothy 5:23
I have enjoyed great health at a great age because everyday since I can
remember I have consumed a bottle of wine except when I have not felt
well. Then I have consumed two bottles. --- Attributed to a Bishop of
Seville.
Mankind . . . possesses two supreme blessings. First of these is the
goddess Demeter, or Earth whichever name you choose to call her by. It was
she who gave to man his nourishment of grain. But after her there came the
son of Semele, who matched her present by inventing liquid wine as his
gift to man. For filled with that good gift, suffering mankind forgets its
grief; from it comes sleep; with it oblivion of the troubles of the day.
There is no other medicine for misery. --- Euripides, The Bacchae, c. 407
BC.
Wine is at the head of all medicines; where wine is lacking drugs are
necessary. --- Babylonian Talmud: Baba Bathra.
Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy --- Sir Alexander Fleming
Wine is an appropriate article for mankind, both for the healthy body and
for the ailing man. --- Hippocrates.
Wine from long habit has become an indispensable for my health. --- Thomas
Jefferson
I think it is a great error to consider a heavy tax on wines as a tax on
luxury. On the contrary, it is a tax on the health of our citizens. ---
Thomas Jefferson
"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?" - L arson E.
Whipsnade (W. C. Fields) You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939).
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard and/or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
the asphalt!"
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here a US Airways."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.
--Homer Simpson
Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fuelled
mayhem? --Homer Simpson
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's
just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. --Homer
Simpson
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of
my livers. I can get by with one. --Homer Simpson
America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada,
Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank
your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! --Homer Simpson
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter?
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home
winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? --Homer
Simpson
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old
man, and old people are useless. --Homer Simpson
Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut. --Homer Simpson
Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good,
and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! --Homer
Simpson
Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! --Homer
Simpson
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. --Homer Simpson
Black, marbelized with a liquid centre. The Stealth Bowler. The
pins don't know what hit 'em. --Homer Simpson
Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You --Homer
Simpson
Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer.
Bastard! He's always one step ahead. --Homer Simpson
Do I know what rhetorical means? --Homer Simpson
Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can
call you Hoju! --Homer Simpson
Does whisky count as beer? --Homer Simpson
D'oh! --Homer Simpson
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. --Homer
Simpson
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
Well, good night. --Homer Simpson
Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
--Homer Simpson
Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing
it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb,
Joseph Stalin. --Homer Simpson
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? --Homer Simpson
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
that's even remotely true! --Homer Simpson
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to
take it back. Make up your mind. --Homer Simpson
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're
prejudiced against all races. --Homer Simpson
God bless those pagans. --Homer Simpson
Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat! --Homer
Simpson
Ha ha! Look at this country! ?You are gay!? Ha ha! --Homer
Simpson
Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves
and gremlins and eskimos! --Homer Simpson
Here's to alcohol: The source of, and answer to, all of life's
problems. --Homer Simpson
Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here! --Homer
Simpson
I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t... I mean s-m-A-r-t.
--Homer Simpson
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colours before he
invented the light bulb. --Homer Simpson
I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! --Homer
Simpson
I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'
I guess you might say he barking up the wrong...bush. --Homer
Simpson
I hope I didn't brain my damage. --Homer Simpson
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
an electric football machine more than anything else in the
world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest
day of my life. Well, goodnight. --Homer Simpson
I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow. --Homer Simpson
I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals
flaming. --Homer Simpson
I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches, and that
man broke my promise! --Homer Simpson
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city,
keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would
explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That couldn't Slow
Down. --Homer Simpson
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could
beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the
age of four. --Homer Simpson
I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold, and eaten.
--Homer Simpson
I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm
lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the
sleeping ba- uh, goodnight. --Homer Simpson
If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just
stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your
karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
--Homer Simpson
If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly
mistaken! --Homer Simpson
If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.
--Homer Simpson
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it
--Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
--Homer Simpson
I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty...
THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! --Homer Simpson
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no
matter how dumb my suggestions are. --Homer Simpson
I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and
I won't be back for TEN MINUTES. --Homer Simpson
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going
to Church! --Homer Simpson
I'm in a place where I don't know where I am! --Homer
Simpson
I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much. --Homer
Simpson
I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
--Homer Simpson
In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power,
then you get the women! --Homer Simpson
It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!
--Homer Simpson
It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I'd
have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were. --Homer
Simpson
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
--Homer Simpson
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
--Homer Simpson
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. --Homer
Simpson
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
--Homer Simpson
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential
murderers. --Homer Simpson
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? --Homer
Simpson
Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I
have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to
face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this
street gets a stop sign! --Homer Simpson
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
--Homer Simpson
Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to
milk. --Homer Simpson
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's
that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
and foxy boxing and such and such. --Homer Simpson
Lisa, stop that racket! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera.
Easy, easy. I think I'll need a bigger drill. --Homer Simpson
Lisa, the mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but
we've also expanded into other important areas...World
domination. --Homer Simpson
Lord help me, I'm just not that bright. --Homer Simpson
Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways... and which way
to the can? --Homer Simpson
Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was
just sitting in some guy's boat! --Homer Simpson
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. --Homer
Simpson
Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need
to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what
nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal
use. --Homer Simpson
Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip! --Homer Simpson
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that
alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all
thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
alligator was sexually harassing that woman. --Homer Simpson
Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink
a glass of syrup like I do every morning? --Homer Simpson
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a
comfort thing. --Homer Simpson
Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh? --Homer
Simpson
Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm, forbidden donut. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm, free goo. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm, Gummy-beer. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm, purple. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm, sacrilicious. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm...fuzzy. --Homer Simpson
Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge. --Homer Simpson
Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of
my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of
more donuts to come. --Homer Simpson
No jokes, no taunting--That kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me
a wet towel! C'mere you butterball. --Homer Simpson
No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes. --Homer Simpson
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on
strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
--Homer Simpson
Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break
yours. --Homer Simpson
Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do,
someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have
dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!
--Homer Simpson
Oh look at me!!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical
man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane!
Oh by the way...I was being sarcastic. --Homer Simpson
Trying is the first step towards failure. --Homer Simpson
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy
bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to
buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not
even close. --Homer Simpson
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible
cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a
sinner! Except this guy. --Homer Simpson
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our
beds and TV... is. --Homer Simpson
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
14% of people know that. --Homer Simpson
OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you
lose, I'LL KILL YOU! --Homer Simpson
Operator! Give me the number for 911! --Homer Simpson
Read your town charter, boy. ?If food stuff should touch the
ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot.?
Since I don't see him around, start shovelling! --Homer Simpson
Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
--Homer Simpson
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
--Homer Simpson
Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
accidents around here than any other employee, including a few
doozies no one every found out about. --Homer Simpson
Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y.
From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree.
D'oh! --Homer Simpson
Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this
was pizza! --Homer Simpson
Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole
world. --Homer Simpson
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay
to lose. --Homer Simpson
Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from
that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
What's-his-name? --Homer Simpson
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm
going to clown college! --Homer Simpson
The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who
to smite and they shall be smoten! --Homer Simpson
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the
apes. --Homer Simpson
The strong must protect the sweet. --Homer Simpson
There's a New Mexico? --Homer Simpson
They have the Internet on computers, now? --Homer Simpson
This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. --Homer
Simpson
This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.
--Homer Simpson
This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps
going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey
the laws of THERMODYNAMICS! --Homer Simpson
Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff
where you said all about the...things? Uh... the things? --Homer
Simpson
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. --Homer Simpson
Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me! --Homer Simpson
We monorail conductors are a crazy breed! --Homer Simpson
Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You
just have to read the manual and press the right button.
--Homer Simpson
Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back...unless your tears smell
like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can
after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food
to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find
your dog. --Homer Simpson
Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a
league bowler! --Homer Simpson
Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over?
Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to
do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. --Homer
Simpson
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr.X
would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my
name isn't "Homer J. Simpson."
Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as
good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It
looks like catsup- it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't
catsup! --Homer Simpson
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic
flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining
room on holidays. --Homer Simpson
We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha
ha! ...with her. --Homer Simpson
What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees?
Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot
bees at me? --Homer Simpson
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
--Homer Simpson
What the hey, I'll take the job. --Homer Simpson
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back
here anyway? --Homer Simpson
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --Spaceballs.
But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police
Academy. --Homer Simpson
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces… Just know
they're about to jab me with something. --Homer Simpson
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the
bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! --Homer Simpson
Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain
sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
bunch of sucks that ever sucked! Oh, I gotta go, my damn
weiner kids are listening. --Homer Simpson
Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball
and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the
referee with the whiskey bottle. --Homer Simpson
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine. --Homer Simpson
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck
with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and
God bless her soul, she was really onto something. --Homer
Simpson
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can
find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!
--Homer Simpson
You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your
gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I
can't possibly provide. --Homer Simpson
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is
'never try'. --Homer Simpson
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. --Homer Simpson
Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I,
many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked
alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass
me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
--Homer Simpson
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex
for money costs less."
Brendan Francis.
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes
that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid."
Denis Leary.
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never
saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips.
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't
have to tell your mother."
Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with
me, she said 'no'."
Woody Allen.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged
the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one
hundred percent."
RD Laing.
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises
some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen.
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting
than sex."
Edgar Wallace.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between
five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so
often."
Emo Philips.
"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is
an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the
authorities."
Matt Groening.
"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to
start talking to them."
Steve Martin.
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go
it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you
pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home."
Ken Hammond.
"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets
within twenty feet."
Taki.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they
choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.
"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,
'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as
well as women."
Bernard Manning.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Munroe.
"I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person."
Jo.
"When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
Mae West.
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
Joan Rivers.
Quotes About Computers And Software