Here are some of the foolish things that various football commentators
have uttered, and later wished they hadn't.....
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on
a sunny day." (CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in
football?" (STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." (RAY WILKINS,
speaking on BBC1)
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." (ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1)
"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..." (Carling FA
Premiership WWW Page)
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
(DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a
couple of goals." (PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being
able to score goals." (ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I
suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...." (SIMON FANSHAWE,
speaking on Talk Radio)
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
(PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special)
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for
goalies is between their legs..." (ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports)
"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
(STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live)
"They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
(BRIAN MOORE, ITV)
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the
kitchen." (TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold)
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." (ALEX FERGUSON)
"He [Brian Laudrup] wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one
at the front and one at the back as well." (TREVOR STEVEN, STV)
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." (Radio 5
Live)
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their
nine goals." (TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day)
"...an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side."
(GARY LINEKER, BBC)
"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with
educated right foots." (RON JONES, Radio 5 Live)
"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the
goal." (BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live)
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind
him..." (KEVIN KEEGAN)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
(NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
(KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live)
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." (BRUCE RIOCH,
ITV)
"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now
than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't
ever in it anyway." (JOHN MOTSON, BBC)
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to
his foot with a ball of string..." (IAN DARKE, Radio 5)
"I never make predictions and I never will." (PAUL GASCOIGNE)
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
(JIMMY HILL)
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees,
is that Falcao is warming up." (BRIAN MOORE)
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the
same thing again." (TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." (ALAN
BALL)
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there." (RON ATKINSON)
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." (RON ATKINSON)
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
(JOHN GREIG)
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great
years." MARTIN HODGE)
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
(JAMES SANDERSON)
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in
shame." (RON GREENWOOD)
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head." (DEREK RAE)
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this
Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side." (MIKE INGHAM)
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch
him." (BOBBY ROBSON)
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide." (ALAN PARRY)
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour." (JOHN MOTSON)
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be
any different." (TREVOR BROOKING)
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging
over them." (MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even
though they have been under the gun." (BOBBY CHARLTON)
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes." (DAVE BASSETT)
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut
forehead." (TOM FERRIE)
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a
piece of paper saying you want to leave." (JOHN HOLLINS)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless
somebody knocks us out." (DAVE BASSETT)
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road." (ALAN
GREEN)
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
(PETER JONES)
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on." (KEVIN
KEEGAN)
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball
they are attacking their opponents goal." (JIMMY HILL)
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road,
their ship went off the rails." (RICHARD PARK)
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and
haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice." (TREVOR
BROOKING)
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
(SPORTS ROUNDUP)
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale." (JOHN
LYALL)
"In comparison, there's no comparison." (RON GREENWOOD)
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it
actually was." (RON ATKINSON)
"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put
together." (MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." (BRIAN MOORE)
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch
and change from quick to slow." (JOHN GREIG)
"Certain people are FOR me and certain people are PRO me." (TERRY
VENABLES)
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." (RON ATKINSON)
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." (IAN DARK)
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they
will go places." (JOHN GIDMAN)
"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his
left foot." (TREVOR BROOKING)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer." (DAVID ACFIELD)
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant" Bryan
Robson (1990)
"John Harkes is going to Sheffield, Wednesday." New York Post (1993)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated
footballers." Mick Lyons
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" Derek
Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen
something that nobody else did" Barry Davies (1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" Stuart Pearce (1992)
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him,
but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different" Kevin Keegan
"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson"
Ron Greenwood
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan
Giggs" Denis Law
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from
the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man."
Norman Whiteside
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." Ron Atkinson (1979)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the
all-yellow strip" John Motson - BBC TV
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona" Kevin
Keegan
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think
Germany has got of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty
...and a couple from other sports...
"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old
shoulder injury." Ray French - Sky TV Rugby
"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the
cox of the Oxford crew" Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race (1977)
In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable."
In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by national order."
In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the
chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
except Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years."
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose."
In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose."
In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man."
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run."
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"- English well talking."
"- Here speeching American."
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.
On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS
PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR
SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT
NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL
SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD
INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING
POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER
YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER!
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do
with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? And that's bad why?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH
YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call
led to this warning?)
On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES
NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a
universal childhood fantasy!)
On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by >
[name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man
I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so
would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my
country please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same
to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you
ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
[address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me
alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbour's's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and
run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and
the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"
group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
down.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's
cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had
with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: Woven? Are you sure? Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room
Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department? Caller: Tap water.
Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters.
Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please. Operator: Do you have his name? Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the
window to write the number on!"
Thou shall not worry,
for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful,
for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them,
for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes.
You can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you,
for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems.
They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill,
it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening
in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener,
for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from
your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are
talking, and some people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only
interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings,
never overlooking the small ones,
for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
Actual quote from Abdul Aziz, Chief Minister of the Malaysian State of
Kelantan, during a recent lecture to Govt. employees:
"There are far too many pretty women in the government offices at the
moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency with
their pert and yielding tightness. We must be ever watchful for
possible, immoral activities and it is well-known that pretty women
cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity, blindness, sickness
and bends.
That is why from now on thorough ugliness must be considered a
deciding factor at all job interviews. Since the prettier candidate
has already been blessed by God it is only right that we should hire
the uglier one. After all if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who
will?"
Football is a game of two halfs... !