Why do our lovers get better looking and richer after they dump us?
Why do women wait until last call to tell you they have a lover?
Can you throw attitude if nobody is willing to catch it?
Where are all the rich lesbians?
Why do women get into celibacy after you move in with them?
How come dykes call every woman they ever dated, even once, an "ex"?
How about a really honest personal ad? "Enlightened, non-smoking,
financially secure woman looking for same or will forego all of the above
for a really cute dyke."
Just how many of us have taken a woman`s studies class hoping to find a
date?
When will the Music become the focus of a Women`s Music festival?
How come the lover who couldn`t dance becomes Paula Abdul when she
leaves you?
Doesn`t S & M really mean "stand & model"?
Anybody else have a hard time figuring out that it`s over? (Last time
I didn't have a clue until she started taking someone else to our couple's
therapy sessions)
Ever notice that the more women you pack into a space the less chance
that you will find a date there?
Remember when your bedroom didn`t have to look like an appliance
warehouse for you to be thought of as good in bed?
Why hasn`t anybody found a sexier name for dental dams?
Wouldn`t it be great if we knew that the women we have slept with
would never tell their future lovers what we were like in bed?
Has any good ever come from a drunken 3 a.m. call to an ex?
When will lesbians learn that you can`t keep an affair a secret if you
take your new girlie to the town`s only gay bar?
When will dykes who ditch you stop using the insincere offer of
friendship as a lovely parting gift?
Why is it that the same women who maul you in public won't touch you
in private?
Why does our biggest fight of the year always have to occur during our
vacation?
Isn`t that woman who is after you now the same one who wouldn't even
talk to you when you were single?
How come you only run into your ex on laundry day or after a car wreck?
Now that so many stright women look gay, won`t lesbians who claim to
be straight-acting be immediately recognizable as dykes?
How come denial gets such a bad rap?
Does it mean we are commitment phobic just because we refuse to give
her the spare house keys on the first date?
What is butch? Is the butch the one who hogs the remote control and
flips channels non-stop?
Couldn`t you just die when you ask her what went wrong and she goes on
and on? ....or you ask her who she`s seeing now and she goes on and on?
Is there anything more heart wrenching than seeing an ex wearing
something that you gave her while she is with another woman? (Even ten
years after the breakup)
How many women who say they are in an open relationship have partners
who know they are in an open relationship?
What exactly, do two women do together? (Usually asked by a woman)
A. It takes too long to explain. A lesbian quickie lasts hours. We
lay there and discuss politics until we figure it out. But if you
like I`ll show you. How about this evening at six?
Which one of you is the man? (Usually asked by a man)
A. We`re lesbian, not confused. Look it up!
What do your parents think about it?
A. They weren`t exactly tickled lavender
Do you face any discrimination because you`re -- "that way"?
A. None. The lesbian movement is a bodily function that involves
the expulsion of our reproductive organs
Why are you a lesbian?
A. Let me show you a picture of my girlfriend
Did anything in your childhood affect your choice?
A. Definitely. There was a cute little redhead in my nursery school
that I used to take naps with...
Why do you have to tell everyone?
A. I have a P.C. quota to meet
Is one of you "butch" and the other "femme"?
A. Yes, but we trade off every time we roll over
Do you plan to have children?
A. We`re trying! (Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know what I mean, know
what I mean!)
But wouldn`t you want your children to be straight?
A. And miss the opportunity to be interrogated by the next
generation of psych majors?
Courtesy of Chris Lanter and the Gay & Lesbian Student`s Union
Accent of Amanda Donohoe
Beauty of Rita Mae Brown
Courage of Anita Hill
Depth of Tracy Chapman
Exoticness of Rae Dawn Chong
Fiestiness of Murphy Brown
Genius of Jane Wagner
Hypnotic eyes of Meg Foster
Iq of Diane Sawyer
Jocularity of Paula Poundstone
Kinkiness of Madonna
Lusty, lascivious looks of Demi Moore
Mystique of Linda Fiorentino
Nattiness of Christine Cagney
Outspokenness of Catherine MacKinnon
Politics of Urvashi Vaid
Quickwittedness of Kate Clinton
Riches of Martina Navratilova prior to Judy Nelson
Sensuality of Kelly LeBrock
Talent of Jodie Foster
Understanding of Mother Theresa
Voice of k.d. lang
Wholesomness of Linda Hamilton
Xperience of Sappho
Youthfulness of Sharon Gless
Zaniness of Whoopi Goldberg
Below is my laundry list of my love/hate relationship with lesbo life
LOVE
lesbians are dressing better (or is it that the rest of the
population are dressing like we always have? Who would have thought high
school kids would wear baggy pants, flannel shirts & birkenstocks?)
More lesbians are developing a sense of humor
SEX CLUBS!!!
k.d. lang came out. (finally)
Being politically active has become fashionable again.
There are lesbian musical groups that actually sound good. No
longer do I have to be "supportive" at the expense of my ears
Lesbian characters are on the number one rated television series.
(Sandra Bernhard & Morgan Fairchild on "Roseanne.")
Lesbians are having a sexual revolution (I hope I have the right
ammunition)
Movies that portray us as killers. If everybody thought we could
snuff them,they would be much less likely to attack us.)
We are not only diverse, but proud of our diversity. We may have
individuals in our community who are racist, ageist or elitist, but they know
enough to keep their mouths shut around the rest of us.
HATE
Personal ads that mention: the beach, fireplaces, quiet times, or
enlightenment. (And these people wonder why they are alone?)
Break-ups that last longer than the relationship
Lesbians who tip less than 15%, especially when the server is
lesbian or gay. No excuses girls, the going rate is 15-20%. If you don't
want to do it, then eat at home!
Matching outfits. Only the Del Rubio triplets can pull of
matching outfits
Any "new age" philosophy or spirituality that is actually a bunch
of self-centered bull crap that allows one to tromp on people's feelings
and not take responsibility for it
Unicorns!!!Much too phallic for me
Pet stories, especially ones about cats. Unless fluffy wrote you
a letter or cooked you a meal, spare us...please
Preachy twelve steppers. Easy does it, yourself. Some of you are
driving people to drink. Stop acting like you're working on commission.
Bars that have the nerve to charge a cover just to look at the
same girls you see for free every day
Patchouli. Need I say more?
The lezbo buttheads who are trying to exclude transsexual
lesbians from "women only" events. If it looks like a dyke anbd quacks like
a dyke then it's a dyke in my book. I`ve been meaning to ask these nazi
dykes how they plan to enforce this "born a woman only" rule. Perhaps they
will have a woman like Ed McMahonconduct a "scar search" on people as they enter
Cutsie nicknames. (I can feel my lunch lurching as I write it
even) Pookie Snookems
Attitude. Just remember someone cuter & younger is born every
minute
Jodie Foster worship. What has she done for us lately, or ever?
Bad erotic lesbian films. OK, so we don`t have a lot of money but
could we be a bit more tasteful. Call me hard to please but I don't find it
stimulating to see a handywoman with dirty nails and a biker chick with toe
jam, going at it on a stained bath mat
Altered spelling of the word woman (Wimmin, wymyn, whatever) What
are we embracing here, our individuality, or illeteracy?
Lesbians who don`t take safer sex seriously
Bad poetry. If it compares a vagina to the petals of a flower or
mentions razer blades, it's bad
Friends who have "clingus dykus". They can't even take a dump
without telling their girlfriend they are going to the bathroom
That same incestuous circle that happens no matter where you live
The fact that famous people only "come out" after everybody knows
or after they die
Ice Cream. Just what I need, one more obsession. [That's right
ladies, like it or not they have become part of dyke culture]
Once there was a fellow who had just moved into a new house. His neighbor
came to meet him that day and they got to talking.
"What kind of job do you have?", asked the neighbor, and the fellow replied
"I'm a Scientist of Deductive reasoning".
"Deductive reasoning?", asked the neighbor. "what's that?"
"Well, let me give you an example", the scientist replied. "I see you
have a dog house in your back yard".
"Yes", the neighbor (whose name was Bill) replied.
"Well, by that I can deduce that you have a dog", replied the scientist,
whose name was Fred. "Yeah," Bill said.
"And since you have a dog, I can assume that you have a family," said
Fred. Bill nodded.
"And since you have a family, I can assume that you're married," Fred
continued. Bill continued to nod.
"Well, since you're married, it's safe to say that you probably have a wife".
"Yes, I have a wife," Bill replied.
"So, then, I can conclude that you are a heterosexual," finished Fred,
"and that is deductive reasoning".
"Wow, that's interesting," said Bill. And so, the two went their ways for
the day.
The next day, Bill was at his own work, and a co-worker said to him "I
heard you have a new neighbour". "Yes, I do", said Bill. The co-worker
replied "What kind of work does he do?".
"He's a Scientist in Deductive Reasoning," replied Bill.
The co-worker asked "What's deductive reasoning?"
"Allow me to give an example," Bill said. "Do you have a doghouse?"
Personal Bill of Rights for Faggots Who Do Too Much
I have the right to respect myself from birth onwards and
not to suffer for years until I gain the courage to do so; if I
gain that courage, if the world around me allows me that courage.
I have the right to look fabulous.
I have the right to be bitter and angry.
I have the right to say "NO", and the right to say "YES!"
even if that "YES!" happens to clash with your particular version
of morality.
I have the right to overachieve as a result of being made to feel
inadequate by an unloving society altogether for the same reason.
I have the right to call me a faggot, but you don't.
I have the right to ask for emotional support, or to keep
it inside until I explode.
I have the right to mince and the right not to mince.
I have the right to talk about my sex life just as much
as you talk about your straight sex life.
I have the right to my opinion on your sexual orientation
even if you are unwilling ot admit your own true inclinations.
I have the right to walk home without being beaten.
I have the right to my home and my job, even after my
employer or landlord finds out that I sleep with men.
I have the right to my home or job even if I test HIV positive.
I have the right to make a living either as an interior
decorator or as a garage mechanic.
I have the right to see my children from a previous hetrosexual
relationship or have children in a homosexual relationship.
I have the right to create a home with another man and to all the
protections and priviledges that straight people get when they do
the same thing.
I have the right to flaunt it whether this amounts to getting
married to another man on television or just holding hands at lunch.
I have the right to tell you when you are being a homophobic.
I have the right know my own history and my queer elders,
who they were and what they did for themselves and for me.
I have the right to many, many more things that the straight world
takes for granted but most of all I have the right to be me.
[Reproduced from perspective, spring 1993, without permission.]
In our culture, it used to be that a woman was either gay or she wasn`t.
Nowadays we have so many words to describe ourselves, it would take a
taskforce of PhDs in queer vernacular of the day, or a very skilled
clairvoyant to decipher them all.
WARNING - Do not confer with your significant other on answers. Doing so may
be detrimental to your relationship.
Match the following concepts with the definitions listed below.
born to be a lesbian
converted lesbian
lesbian by choice
bisexual
transsexual
fluid sexual identity
a former hetrosexual who finally admitted her disillusionment, dumped her
husband & bacame a lesbian
a woman who possesses the yet to be found lesbian gene
only her surgeon knows for sure
a woman who has experimented with both males & females before deciding on
the better sex
a free spirit who wants her (beef) cake and Edith, Suzie, Mary and other
females too.
********************
Check all that apply
Hard butches
are domineering, controlling and intimidating hairy women with permanent
scowl lines embedded in their faces, who scare people on sight
never commit, they only conquer
are synonymous with stone butches, bull dykes, big foot and Neanderthals
are led to believe they have power over women
Butches
are female Fonzies
are notorious for leading many straight women to convert
really do carve notches in their bed posts
make excellent charm school teachers
Soft butches
are wannabe butches who just can`t get the attitude right
are butches with sensitivity training
are butches who have been soaked in downy
all of the above
Hard femmes
are femmes who work out
are butches in training
are butches who look better in a dress
are femmes who have been burned by too many butches
Femmes
have fingernails and know how to use them
have the power and know how to use it
are infamous for bringing butches to their knees
enjoy being mistaken for being straight
Soft femmes
are femmes you can sink your teeth into
are femmes who need to join a heath club
are femmes who whisper a lot
are novices
Gender benders
are butches who wear evening gowns
look better in boxer shorts than most men
when packing, fill out the front of jeans better than most men
make everyone do a double take
Androgynous women
have both male & female characteristics
have neither male or female characteristics
are the undiscovered third sex
are transgenderists
********************
Read the statements below & decide if each is true, false or you`d rather not
say...
Tops are preferably either butch or femme
Being topped by a femme is a peak experience for a butch
Being topped by a butch is redundant
The taller woman is always the top
Good tops are hard to find
Good tops are hard to tie down
Topps is a brand of baseball cards
Bottoms up is a contradiction in terms
Being a dime a dozen, bottoms are very cost effective
It is not fair to switch in the middle
A switch is a woman equally skilled with both hands
A switch is a woman who has trouble making up her mind
Switches do not really need a partner
A fiery woman who switches should be nicknames a "hot cross bun"
********************
Check the correct answer
Conventional sex is called
vanilla
chocolate
strawberry
rocky road
Sado-masochism is
politically correct
politically incorrect
non-political
a famous sumo wrestler
B&D refers to
breakfast & dinner
blind & deaf
a true, erotic experience
A submissive
is a female submarine commander
takes it lying down
knows it`s better to surrender than fight
is a piece of writing sent for publication
Domination refers to
a spotted dog
having the upper hand
having the upper bunk
a religious preference
********************
Which of the following should we claim as part of our culture
a lesbian who has never been sexual with another woman
a lesbian who is celibate
a lesbian who sleeps with men
married women with understanding husbands
any variation of bisexuality
********************
Are you
happily single
unhappily single
happily married
unhappily married
monogamous by choice
non-monogamous by choice
celibate by choice
celibate by circumstance
a virgin by choice
a virgin by circumstances
Rank these fantasy dates
dating the diesel dyke
liason with the leather dyke
tryst with the tomboy
lust with the lipie (lesbian hippie)
fling with the femme fatale
loving with the luppy (lesbian yuppy)
adventure with the author
********************
Scoring
If you took the test, it indicates that you ....
are very secure in your knowledge of lesbian identities
are one of those perpetual student lesbians who thought the test was part
of the curriculum
are probably as confused as the rest of us, and seeking some enlightenment
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterwork cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man
entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from
him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward
her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said
to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and
slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly,
meaningfully said... "Clean my house."
A parody of the Major General song from the Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan.
By Mark Ynys-Mon
[The HOMOSEXUAL has entered unnoticed, on poppers]
HOMOSEXUAL: Yes I am an urban homosexual!
FAG HAG : For he is an urban homosexual!
ALL : He is! Hurrah for the urban homosexual!
HOMOSEXUAL: And it is -- it is a glorious thing
To be an urban homosexual!
ALL : It is! Hurrah for the urban homosexual
H: I am the very model of an urban homosexual
I seek that "special one" and so my cruising is perpetual,
And even though I tell folks that I very very happy am
A cynic may consider this a self-deluding hollow sham.
From club to club and drug to drug I stagger in a twilight world
Of profiteering venues outside which the rainbow flag's unfurled,
So over priced and over full and over loud it seems to be
A symbol now of greed and not of freedom and diversity.
ALL: Diversi-versity, diversi-versity!
A symbol now of greed and not of freedom and diversity.
H: I spend my cash in Clone Zone, Prowler Press and in the Zipperstore.
I pull a man each evening; but by morning he's a crushing bore.
In short by being shallow, fickle, foolish, apolitical
I am the very model of an urban homosexual.
ALL: In short by being shallow, fickle, foolish, apolitical
He is the very model of an urban homosexual.
H: I read Attitude and Boyz and Out and suchlike periodicals
That tell me what to wear, to think, and that I want abdominals.
(For abs like rock and pecs like steel are what define us nowadays
And if you haven't got 'em then to some folk you're not really gay).
My body's toned and sculpted and my hair's a very modish crop,
My only Social Statement is a Dolce & Gabbana top
(Through which I flex my pecs at any passing bit of skinhead trade)
And my idea of hell is going out and failing to get laid.
ALL: And failing to get laid! And failing to get laid!
And failing failing failing failing failing to get laid!
H: I follow all the Boy Bands and on Fridays I'm a Dancing Queen
At Camp Attack at G.A.Y. pretending that I'm still eighteen.
I'll be at Trade the next night in a t-shirt rather minimal...
It's non-stop entertainment for an urban homosexual
ALL: He'll be at Trade the next night, in a t-shirt rather minimal
It's non-stop entertainment for an urban homosexual.
H.: Then three hours' sleep and off I go to somewhere rather heavier,
A Sunday night cheap-beer'n'f**k do at some run-down leather bar,
Where jockstrap clad and nipple clamped, I do the modern fetish thing
And sublimate my shyness getting fisted in a leather sling.
But still that's not enough for me and so I wander off elswhere
In search of quick encounters up to Hampstead Heath or Russell Square
But I won't use Clapham Common as I think it's all too sinister -
I'm looking for a rent boy but I'd probably meet a minister.
All: A mini-minister! A mini-minister!
He's looking for a rentboy but he'd probably meet a minister!
H: It's 5AM on Monday when I'm suddenly cognisant that
I have a job to hold down and I really must get to my flat.
And so I get the last bus home depressed that I have failed to pull -
Thus ends the usual weekend of the urban homosexual.
All: And so he gets the last bus home depressed that he has failed to pull.
Thus ends the usual weekend of the urban homosexual.
Dyke Mysteries