Queer Jokes - Page 4

How's Your Son?
Religious Clarification
Seducing a Straight Man
Heaven
Coming Out
Topping and Butch
Top 10 Reasons To Have A Gay Best Friend Or Room-Mate
Possible Causes of Homosexuality
Coming Out For Christmas
Gay & Lesbian Comedians On ...

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How's Your Son?

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons.

How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

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Religious Clarification

For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah.

Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet .... ENJOY.

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to best follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

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Seducing a Straight Man

Straight men are a bit of a gay enigma. If you're looking to bag one you'll need our ten half-assed tips.

1. Getting on Par
   You're going to need to get all pally pally with your intended victim, so adopt a football team and practice all those straight boy giveaways. We're talking random bollock arranging, chronic wind and allowing the tone of your voice to become slightly moronic.
2. Be Butch
   Ditch the screaming queen routine and no matter how funny your camp retorts are, lose them too. You have to fully absorb this 'straight persona' if you're to stand a cat in hell's chance of snaffling on his straight sausage. Always ensure that you dress like something you see in a Next window.
3. Talk Dirty
   Get him to talk about his sex life and look shocked when he tells you that he's not getting enough. Why not highlight the amount and quality of the sex you're getting and generally make him feel like he's a bit frigid. All men like to think that they're riding high on their sexual peak. All you need to do now is to convince him that it's you that should be riding high on that sexual peak of his.
4. Avoid the Anal Bit
   It's probably a good idea to keep the anal sex bit quiet for a while. Feed his imagination on a diet of expert blow-jobs and generally play on the fact that he can just lie back and think of some blonde bird from the local.
5. Kissy Kissy
   Most straight men don't relish the idea of kissing another guy unless it's in a typical rugby scenario. So you have two choices here; either don some rugby kit and learn a few lurid songs or simply explain that the only kissy kissy bit will be your lips around his huge hard-on
6. Don't Give it a Name
   Whatever you do, don't call it gay sex. Remember it's just a bit of fun and it's not gay in the slightest. It's just two guys messing around cos their birds have gone off it lately. Giving it a name will kill it dead. However, when you've had him, use it all you like, especially when you're stalking him.
7. Get the Bastard Drunk
   If it's not going that well, get the bastard drunk and make a play for him. It's a well-known fact that once a man is halfway engorged then he'd bang his own mother. Capitalise on this weakness my pretties.
8. Play Wrestling
   How about a little bit of man-on-man body contact to get him used to the idea that sex doesn't have to involve something with a perm and comedy breasts. Indulge him in a bit of sarcastic banter which then leads to a playful shove or two. This in turn should lead to you both rolling around on the floor, which should then lead to you making a beeline for his laddish love rod.
9. We'll Never Mention it Again
   Anonymous sex is all the rage and you can guarantee that given this veil of anonymity, most straight men would be up for it. Promise to never tell his girlfriend, wife or mates. In fact, tell the f**ker that you'll never mention it again. Of course you're within your rights to go back on this gentleman's agreement whenever you're:
   • drunk
   • in the presence of his bird
   • blackmailing the tosser
10. If all else fails
    OK, so you've tried all the above tips to no avail. This one is proving to be straighter than you thought. Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I say drag up and make the bastard think you're a cheap bit of skirt. You'll have to arrange to meet him in a dimly-lit room and if he's half cut already then all the better. Don't speak and don't let him make a grab for your pretend lady areas. Simply attach yourself to his lower portions and blow him into next week.

There you have it; you've seduced a straight man. You'll now have acres of comedy moments for those all important drunken dinner parties.

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Heaven

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look, good, Dick."

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Coming Out

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet."

His plan was to tell his mother first.

So an his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Very nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well ... yes." Still without looking up.

"Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snipped: "Don't you EVER, complain about my cooking again!"

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Topping and Butch

If you don't know who 'Topping and Butch' are, you really should get out more!

A VERY unofficial Topping and Butch page

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Top 10 Reasons To Have A Gay Best Friend Or Room-Mate

For him:

1. You never have to worry about catching him in bed with your wife.
2. Women! Women everywhere! And one less male playing the feild
3. You can get advise on physical appearance
4. A personal Ann Landers (He probably understands women alot better than you do)
5. You never have to listen to his nagging wife
6. You never have to argue with him over who is going to hit on the cute chic with the Daisy Dukes.
7. Straight women seem more open to gay men and he could influence them in your favour
8. When your at his house you never have to wrry about finding used Maxi Pads in the bathroom garbage.
9. If you ever need to borrow money, he has double male income.
10. You can watch football with him and his boyfriend and everyone understands the game.

ae623@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Anis Dahbar)

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Possible Causes of Homosexuality

Choice, Schmoice; Genetics, Schmenetics
Possible Causes of Homosexuality

I don't think genetics or choice have anything to do with it. I think it's the result of

1. hexes and curses by strange old women who own black cats
2. chemical warfare perpetrated under the guise of floridation and smallpox vaccinations advocated by
   1. dupes of the Comintern and/or
   2. the New World Order and/or
   3. the papists and/or
   4. zionist bankers and/or
   5. Freemasons and/or
   6. escaped Nazi scientists
3. a hoax perpetrated by liberal media and/or conservative corporate interests engaged in dark and unknown pursuits
4. the result of brain damage induced by prenatal exposure to
   1. show tunes and/or
   2. opera and/or
   3. pastel colors
5. the outcome of genetic experiments by space aliens...all our mothers (and/or fathers) were abductees!
6. some of the above.

Everything is a plot.

"Marc W. Davis" (mwdavis@top.net)

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Coming Out For Christmas

(to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old dad and mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now
Watch my parents have a cow.
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too.

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice, get off the fence!
Shoult it from the highest roof:
Gay is great and you're the proof.
Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Words by Craig Sturgis, 1992

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Gay & Lesbian Comedians On ...

Visibility

"We're invisible, we're like stealth lesbians, low-flying and undetectable" Kate Clinton, "Well if they can't see us, then let's do whatever the hell we want."

Monogamy

"My partner and I joined a support group for monogamous lesbians - it was great until she met someone there" Margo Gomez

Comedy

"It's hard to be a lesbian comedian these days," says Clinton, "like there was an easier time. Oh, the Renaissance, that was a good time to be a lesbian comedian"

"I'm going to do some gay and lesbian comedy now, because I don't ever want to be rich and famous", Karen Ripley

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Groom, Robin Tyler's openly gay & lesbian comedy album

Lesbians in the military

If women should have to be in the military service, they should only be lesbians who process. We would never get around to having a war. A war? You get the beaches wheelchair-accessible, then we'll talk." Kate Clinton

Lesbians in national politics

I will be the first lesbian president - President Butch - and I'll nominate Anita Hill to the Supreme Court. The day of the confirmation the entire Senate will have to drink cokes with pubic hairs in them and then turn and face Hill and instead of singing the national anthem, sing "I'm a Believer" Sara Cytron

Lesbians in local politics

"I don't think of them as lesbian supervisors, I think of them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians. A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job: "Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody" Marga Gomez

Signing for the Straight Impaired

"I would never rule out working with a mechanical bull in the same room, I just need to make that clear" Kate Clinton

Safer Sex

"Is there anything a penis can do that a finger or tongue can't do" - "Well urinate comes to mind" Lea DeLaria

Comic's Homophobic brother-in-law: "I want to find two lesbians & take them to bed"
Comic's Sister: "Oh yeah? I want to find two gay guys and take them to a mall!" Montgomery

Lesbians & the Media

There has to be more media coverage about us (lesbians). Maybe a People magazine article. People will say "Oh Yeah, lesbians, we've heard of them" Marga Gomez

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