Let's be Frank
Lightbulb Joke
Section 28 - Keep The Clause
The Jump
The Lemons
How can you tell you've had gay burglars?
Great Headlines of Our Time
The truth about Santa
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
If your job is on the line
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Big Joke List
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
Q. How many straight waiters does it take to change a lightbulb in
San-Francisco?
A. Both of them.
Keep The Clause
Freepost SC0 5219
Perth
PH2 8BR
OK, this may sound silly, but I've just managed to mail a broken bed, along with soggy rancid mattress to the freepost address. And a 32.5KG iron gate.
You've really got two options. Firstly, send ANYTHING up to 61x46x46 cm in the standard post.
SECONDLY - AND MOST AMUSINGLY
Parcel Force delivery to this freepost address has not been disabled.
Which means that ANYTHING up to a maximum 30KG of 1.5metres in length,
and 3metres in overall girth (defined as 1xlength,+ 2xwidth,+ 2xheight)
can be sent using Parcel Force. They even pick the parcel up, and so
far have not checked the weight or dimensions. The only problem is if
the Daily Record try to send the parcel back. (but here's the best
bit).
I conned the guy who picked up my junk to write down may name and return address as
Martin Clarke
editor in chief
Daily Record
40 Anderston Quay
Glasgow
Strathclyde
G3 8DA
or if you want to claim that it's better to send the returned parcel to the owners of the Daily Record, try
Trinity Group
c/o Jim Chisholm
Kingsfield Court
Chester Business Park
Chester
Cheshire
CH4 9RE
Why not spring clean early. I was looking to send a wardrobe with a cardboard cut-out of Portillo in it, but a) it's too big and not broken), and b) I've found a really old and heavy and totally dead old fridge, which fits the dimensions perfectly if I take off the handle and baseplate it stands on.
GO ON CHUCK OUT YOUR OLD STUFF!
10 Feb 2000
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?
I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar.
"Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her spread out on MY sheets."
"No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut."
They re-arranged all your furniture, and left a note criticising your curtains.
April 1996: The Pink Paper has an article which reports:
"Sexual health experts in the States are advocating the use of the female condom between gay men.
The director of the San Francisco AIDS Office, Mitch Katz, has authorised for [sic] the so-called Femidoms to be used in the city's sexual health clinics for gay men who have anal sex."
The headline:
"New openings for female condoms."
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myths, but I believe Santa is gay. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious. Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.
Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty. And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Clause has been married to him for eons and he's never fathered a child with her, she's over-weight and still content. Can you say "Fag-hag"?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's gay too! "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Isn't Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a straight man:
Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip!
Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots. Think people!!!
Physically he's a wet dream for the Girth and Mirth club and the perfect poster model for Bear Poster Child!
Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy.
Toys, toys, toys.
That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene.
And one more thing, did you ever know a straight man named Nicholas? Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better. It's Nicholas, damn it! Ms. Claus if you're nasty.
The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay."