Cyber SexCatholic bus driverPub goings on.....Tommy Cooper ShortsFirst BlowjobVampire LimerickImmigrationThe Real Commonwealth SummitFlowerpot MenHorny Cockerel
Cyber Sex
Catholic bus driver
Pub goings on.....
Tommy Cooper Shorts
First Blowjob
Vampire Limerick
Immigration
The Real Commonwealth Summit
Flowerpot Men
Horny Cockerel
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Big Joke List
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards
and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in
the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite
get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realised that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)
A hippie and a nun were sitting next to one another on a bus. The hippie looks the nun over, and asks her if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the very next stop.
When the bus starts on the way again, the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how to get the nun to have sex with you".
"How?", asks the hippie.
So the bus driver tells him that the nun goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray to god. "If you're dressed in a robe and a glow in the dark mask you can pretend that you're god and demand that she have sex with you".
The hippie decides that this is a great idea, so Tuesday he goes to the cemetery in full costume and waits for the nun. At midnight, the nun shows up and begins to pray. The hippie jumps up from his hiding place and says " I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and will answer them, BUT you must have sex with me to prove your devotion"
The nun is in awe, and agrees to having sex, but said that it must be anal sex as she would want to remain a virgin even though he is GOD.
The hippie agrees to this and has his way with her, after he's done, he jumps up, rips off his robe and mask and say "HA, HA, HA... I'm the hippie from the bus!"
The nun stumbles backward, looks at him, rips off her habit and says "HA.HA,HA... I'm the bus driver!"
A guy walks into a pub and has a drink and goes into the gents. In there he sees a daisy chain going on with one guy with his hands on the sink, one in the middle and one bringing up the rear. The guy immediately exits the room and goes up to the bartender and says:
"What kind of pub are you running here?" "Do you know there are three guys in the loo doing the daisy chain? It's disgusting in there."
The bartender replied, "Oh yeah that happens all the time." "Was there a guy in a red hat in there?"
The man answers,"Yeah, he was in the middle."
The bartender says,"Oh thats Phil, he's lucky at bingo too!"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my house.''
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
A man walks into a bar, orders a straight shot of scotch, downs it and orders another, and another, until he knocks off six in a row. The bartender asks him what he's celebrating:
"My first blow job!" says the man, his eyes glowing.
"Well, congratulations!" says the bartender. "How about one more on me?" he offers.
"No thanks," says the man. "If six shots won't get the cock taste out of my mouth, another one won't do it!"
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.
Bob is on his first trip to the United States. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while filling out the entrance form at the border. The border official looks over Bob's shoulder to see him write 'Once A Week' in the small space labeled, "SEX".
The official explains, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by this question. We're asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
Bob replies. "Either -- it doesn't matter."
Mugabe: All smiles as he is greeted by his host, South Africa's President Mbeki
The BBC's Greg Barrow looks back on the Commonwealth summit in Durban The summit agenda aimed to highlight the heavy issues of "globalisation and people-centred development" - and that did not sound like captivating headline material for the journalists.
But luckily Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe had been invited.
And over the next few days it was what happened off the floor of the Commonwealth summit which continued to make the headlines.
Outside the executive sessions, a simmering row developed between the British and the Zimbabwean delegations.
Inside the conference hall, Mugabe (left) looked jovial Robert Mugabe came to Durban still seething after an embarrassing incident during a recent visit to London.
On one of his annual shopping trips to the British capital, he was accosted by a gay rights activist, who attempted to make a citizen's arrest, accusing Mr Mugabe of human rights abuse and homophobia.
The president blamed the British Government which he said was made up of "gay gangsters", and hinted at a possible conspiracy to sully his good name.
By the time Mr Mugabe arrived in Durban, he was a time bomb waiting for his fuse to be lit, and Commonwealth observers did not have to wait long.
On the first day of the summit, President Mugabe was rudely hijacked while quietly eating a beef curry in the corner of a lunch reception hosted by the Commonwealth Secretary-General, Chief Emeka Anyaoku.
"Was the president satisfied by the apology proffered by the British Government after the unfortunate incident in London?" one of the members of the British press party asked.
Mr Mugabe put down his knife and fork and turned to his questioner. It was the cue he had been waiting for.
What followed was a tirade against the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, and an exposition of the finer points of Mr Mugabe's view of homosexuals, who he has in the past described as "lower than dogs and pigs.".
Mr Blair, he said, was the head of a "gay government" in a "United Gay Kingdom".
He went on to describe the British leader as aloof, stand-offish, and more right wing than his Conservative Party predecessors, Margaret Thatcher and John Major.
The crowd of journalists around Mr Mugabe pressed forward, his beef curry went cold, and the questions came thick and fast as he snarled back like an angry leopard being bated by a pack of hyenas.
Heading for trouble: Blair and wife Cherie arrive at the summit The British response was muted. At a news conference shortly after Mr Mugabe's outburst, Mr Blair's press secretary dodged the questions.
"Is Mr Blair the head of a gay government?" one journalist asked.
"No," came the reply, "I can assure you that is not true."
The next day, Mr Mugabe had another dig at his British counterpart, declaring him a traitor to the socialist principles of the Labour Party.
Warming to the task of dealing with an increasingly excitable media pack he developed a new response to awkward questions.
"You are talking the language of homosexuals," he would say, dismissing their enquiries, and moving on to the next question.
Mr Blair, now increasingly embarrassed by the furore surrounding the Zimbabwean president, finally showed his cards by referring to the unreasonable behaviour of some Commonwealth leaders from what he called "the eccentric end of the market".
This was about as far as the British were prepared to go. Stiff upper lips firmly in place, they ignored Mr Mugabe's heckling, and did not even bat an eyelid when the Zimbabwean leader refused to turn up for a Remembrance Day service attended by almost every other head of state.
There was a declaration issued at the end of the retreat, but its worthy pronouncements on globalisation and the negative impact of protectionism on developing nations could hardly compete with the cut and thrust of a Mugabe versus Blair confrontation which rivalled the weekend's heavyweight boxing title fight between Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis.
Without Mr Mugabe, the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting would have been a much more pedestrian affair. It had its moments, but it was not what can be termed an "eventful" summit.
As the Commonwealth leaders depart they will take with them memories of a hot and humid Durban, a few days of useful discussion on the role of their organisation in the 21st Century, and an interesting little cardboard box packed with free goodies from the International Conference Centre organisers.
Inside, they would find a packet of mints, some paper tissues, a ballpoint pen, and five capsules of a South African drug called "Essentiale" which guarantees to relieve even the sorest of heads after a night of drinking on the plane home.
BBC (Nov. 1999)
Bill: "Slobberlobber*lobber*dob!"
Ben: "If you really loved me, you'd swallow that..."
One day a fine Rhode Island Red cockerel was strutting about with not a lot happening and started to think of pleasures of a carnal nature! As time went by he became more and more aroused until he had what is known in he trade as a real "STONKER". Unfortunately all the chickens where roosting so he thought he'd have a fly about and look for some action.
Whilst soaring he spotted a blue tit having a root around on the ground and thought he'd help himself. After he's done the biz the tit turns round and say : "I'm a little tit, and I've had a little bit, and I'm very happy".
But he's still not satisfied so he's flying around and he sees a dove perched on a branch, so down he goes and he's off again. After he's finished the dove says : "I'm a little dove and I've had a little love and I'm very very happy".
But he still doesn't feel completely sated so off he sets again. After a while he spys a duck paddling by the lake and thinks "This is it - I'll definetly get my rocks off this time", so in he goes.
After he's finished the duck turns round and says "I'm a little drake, and you made a big mistake - but I'm very very happy! Do you want to come back to my place!"