Straights
US Air
Second Date
Eastern Wisdom
A man walks into a bar ....
KY Lubricating Jelly
Hell
Greek Style
U know U R a gay man when..
Bar Trouble
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I have to confess that I still find heterosexuals just that bit weird. Its not like I'm prejudiced about them or anything. Some of my best friends are heterosexual and I've been to straight bars and their clubs and seen what they do.
Actually, I'm a bit different from some of you who had gay or lesbian parents because mine were straight and so I was brought up in that sort of environment. I guess I learned to be tolerant about it even though it may have led to me having problems in adjustment in my adolescence. So you see, I do understand straightness and I've had a lot of experience of it, its just that I still find it all a bit unnatural.
I mean I just don't understand feeling desire for the opposite gender. Hasn't anyone ever emphasised that word 'opposite' to them? How can you have a personal relationship with someone who has a whole different biology from you? You haven't a hope of understanding them with all those differing hormonal cycles, times of sexual maturity, and social conditioning. And your partner will have a fundamentally different body from you and that means you will not know how to work it in any sexual act. Can you imagine all the fumblings they have to go through to get even a rudimentary proficiency?
I mean immediately we get together we know what to do. Its natural. Even the youngest gay boy is pretty experienced in all his own bits before he even gets to touch those bits of his same-gendered partner. And lesbian women know what a woman needs and the timing. Imagine going to bed with someone who is so different from you that you practically have to get a PhD in Applied Mechanics before you can give them an orgasm?
And there is something right about going off with someone of the same gender. There is something complete about it. Its like matching sets. I have always been quite fascinated by the appearance of identical twins in gay male porn and I feel it points to some essential lesson here. You are going off with someone who is the same as you. Admittedly you are only approaching that goal of identity where you have exactly the same body and the innate psychic understanding of identical twins, but at least you are getting there. You will be having a relationship where you can fuse almost completely, if not quite. Heterosexuals can never even hope to achieve this fusion of identity with those oddly dissimilar bodies and minds that never seem to mesh together.
And breeding. I do understand that they breed and so they were once necessary for the continuity of the race. I like to think, though, we've advanced beyond all that brutish stuff. I consider these breeding behaviours just like I think of my appendix, you know, vestigal. I mean nowdays breeding, if it needs to be done, can be performed cleanly and effectively with a teaspoon of semen from one gay man being delivered to a lesbian woman in a 10ml syringe.
With the world population in the state that its in, and all those billions expected to double over the next century, there are good arguments for banning heterosexuals from breeding. Gay and lesbian kids in the year 2100 will be looking around their over-crowded world, eating all those processed soya and yeast products, mourning the loss of the world's natural resources as the temperature soars and the acid rain comes tumbling down, and they'll be thinking 'Heterosexuals did this'. There are good arguments for stepping in now and stopping it while we still can.
And then a lot of them persist in bringing up their children to believe that heterosexuality is normal. I know mine did. This meant I might have had a few problems coming to terms with who I really was. There are actually those who are so influenced by this prevailing mindset that they never, ever come to realise who they really are and persist in the heterosexual life like it was a bad habit.
They are also so militant about it, forcing it down everyone's throats and lobbying government for legislation in support of their lifestyles. To be honest I get sick of turning on the television and having to watch them kissing and having sex. Its no wonder gay and lesbian kids get confused with this barrage of heterosexual propaganda.
And the natural consequence of all this maladjustment is war. The history of heterosexual warfare since the dawn of time is fairly dismal. You can see how it happens too. Not only have they been prevented from reaching out to the fulfillment of their true gay or lesbian identities and so they are blocked and frustrated, but it is all that stuff about opposite genders that creates this environment of difference. Wars are fought between opposites. They are a straight reflection of exactly what is going on in your average heterosexual relationship. It is interesting, I always think, to observe that gay and lesbian bars and clubs are singularly nonviolent compared to their heterosexual counterparts. In my opinion our essential peacefulness is based on the fact that our relationships are relationships of similarity, not combative opposition like theirs. It sort of makes you want to get the United Nations to subsidise a intense media campaign saying things like 'Turn Gay Or Lesbian And Achieve Peace For All Humankind'.
Now I am fairly liberal, I like to think, but a limit is a limit and sometimes I think that I've reached it. I am as tolerant as the next gay or lesbian and I can see that some people may have a need for heterosexual behavior. I'm happy for them to do it. I just resent the fact that they are destroying the world politically and ecologically while they do it. I resent the fact that they are creating an atmosphere of violence which is even intruding into our clubs and bars, when it used to be outside. I also get annoyed that their prevailing atmosphere of propaganda is creating maladjustment in our gay and lesbian kids. Its just not right.
I'd like to think that psychiatry can get onto the job. Then I'd also like to think that gender-segregated schools with lots of pro-gay and lesbian lessons might help. Banning heterosexual propaganda in the media might help and there should be a rigorous quota of good healthy gay and lesbian role models. I do feel there should be population laws so that we do not all have to suffer the consequences of their unnatural behaviors. But heterosexuals are a problem, aren't they and I obviously haven't got all the answers. I just think its time we said 'enough is enough' and clamped down. Someone's got to start the ball rolling.
David Herkt
An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.
However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat nearby. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped."
Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane."
Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.
Q) What does a lesbian bring on a second date?
A) Everything she owns
Q) What does a gay man bring on a second date?
A) What's a second date?
Q) What does a bisexual bring on a second date?
A) A friend :-)
Confusious he say "Man with watch always know correct time. Man with two watches never quite sure!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one!
Johnson & Johnson are proud to announce that 'KY Lubricating Jelly' is now Millenium compliant, and shall henceforth be known as 'K-Y2K Lubricating Jelly'. It now allows for the insertion of four digits where previously it was only possible to insert two.
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| MILLENIUM COMPLIANT PERSONAL LUBRICANT | K-Y2K Jelly is not a real product |
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie-you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well,you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, You're gonna hate Fridays."
A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!" "You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.
One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherf**kers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."