Puns - Page 2

Need for Speed
Sophie's Choice
Vampires
Potato Clock
Meta Pun
Christmas Songbird
Danger in Bilbao
No Pun Intended

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Need for Speed

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get.

So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer, and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The Dealer asks "why 'S'?" and the snail replies "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted (for a small fee).

The snail get's his new car, and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow!

Look at that S-car go!"

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Sophie's Choice

Sophie Rhys-Jones, Countess of Wessex, and wife of the Queen's youngest son Prince Edward, was branded cruel and out of touch after she was photographed wearing a fox hat in the Swiss resort of St. Moritz.

Sophie is now claiming that the Queen Mother was responsible for her PR gaff.

She went to the Queen Mum for wardrobe advice. She had already packed her skiing gear, but being new to royal protocol was not sure how to dress at other times during her stay. She asked the queen mum what would be appropriate attire for a trip to Switzerland, and is claiming that the dear old soul replied:

"Switzerland dear? Wear the fox hat"

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Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a pint of blood. The barman says to the second vampire "What'll it be?" And the second vampire says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The third one says "Well I'm driving so I'll just have a pint of plasma."

The barman says "OK, that's two Bloods and one Blood lite then."

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Potato Clock

A bloke goes into a watchmaker's shop.

"I'd like a potato clock please."

"I'm sorry sir, there's no such thing "

"Yes, there is, really, I just need a potato clock "

"I have been in the business 37 years and I have never come across any such thing. "

"Well, I guess it's a clock made from a potato or something. "

"Sorry, never heard of one. Where did you hear about it ? "

"My new boss; he said I start tomorrow at 9 O'clock, so I've got to get a potato clock....."

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Meta Pun

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Christmas Songbird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

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Danger in Bilbao

I have a friend staying at the moment, who arrived via Bilbao.

Having a free evening, he decided to go to the cinema. Whilst he was there, there was a terrorist scare, and everybody stampeded for the exit. Several people were trampled to death in the crush.

Which only proves that you should never put all your Basques into one exit.

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No Pun Intended

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much - he became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...............
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.

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