Two Pieces of TarmacTwo Ant-EatersStoned Sea BirdsBjorn the VikingNew cheese productThe Poultry FarmerSmartieEating SquidLeif the VikingBowling
Two Pieces of Tarmac
Two Ant-Eaters
Stoned Sea Birds
Bjorn the Viking
New cheese product
The Poultry Farmer
Smartie
Eating Squid
Leif the Viking
Bowling
There's these two pieces of tarmac in a bar arguing over who's hardest.
First one goes, "I'm part of a driveway, I've got to be really strong in the mornings to hold the car up and again in the evenings when it comes home."
Second one goes " aghh ya wimp, I'm part of the M25. I'm dead strong, you don't last long if you're not, what with cars, lorries 'n' abnormal loads running over you all the time. And it never stops, morning, afternoon & night, I'm dead hard I am.
At that moment, this tiny piece of red tarmac enters the bar.
At this, the second piece of tarmac blanches, makes his excuses and runs for the door. The first piece of tarmac downs his pint & follows him out. "What's wrong?" he asked.
The second piece of tarmac replied " It's that red piece of tarmac. I've seen him in action before, he's a utter nutter, violent as f**k.
He's a cyclepath."
Two anteaters go out for a pub lunch. When they get to the pub they find a nice table & order their food. The waiter brings them their food & enquires if everything is OK.
Five minutes later and he's back " Are you sure everything's OK?"
Five minutes later he's back with the manager "Are you really sure everything's OK?" The anteaters reply sure they're happy, everything's fine.
"So what's with the long faces then?", enquires the waiter.
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review commitee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review commitee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.
"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group."
Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."
"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."
Bjorn the viking is about to set off for yet another raiding party to the Islands across the sea. On his way down to the long boat he bumps into his mother Helga. She looks up at him (for he is very tall and handsome) with her one good eye and says .. "Are you going to bring back a present for your poor blind mother ?" she says to him.
"Of course mama" he replies "what do you want ?". "I'd love one of those newfangled devices they have for washing the dishes, it's a metal container you fill with water, and it has a ledge you place the plates and pots on after you've finished".
So Bjorn, with this description firmly in his mind sets off across the sea, telling all his freinds how he will honour his fathers, grandfathers, and return with a great prize for his mother.
Once in England he gets down to the job of rape and pillage with an enthusiastic, if somewhat blood curdling scream. A few villages are burnt, dozens of maidens are taken, much gold is recovered.
With all this going on Bjorn forgets about his promise to his mother until he is making his way back to the boat, through the ruins of a building site. Eric (his life long friend) turns to him and reminds him of this.
Aghast, Bjorn quickly looks around for some gift for his mother, and all he can find is a pole with a cradle attached for carrying bricks around the new houses being built.
Back on the boat Eric turns to Bjorn and says "What's that you have Bjorn, that's not what you promised your mother". Bjorn is not concerned and replies "Don't fear old friend I am sure my mother will be equally happy with this gift".
When they get home Helga is indead very pleased with the gift, which just goes to show .. a hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse.
Man went into his bankers to tell them of his plans for a new business: "I'm thinking of starting up in the cheese business", he says.
"Yup", says the bank manager, "What are you thinking of calling the cheese?" "Don't know", says the man. "Try the name of a place" After a long thought, the businessman says "Cheddar"! "Nope", replies the bank manager. "There's already a cheese from that place. Try again". The man goes away.
Three months later, he's back: "I've thought of a name" "What is it?" "Wensleydale" "Nope: there's already one from there too". The man goes away.
Six months later, he's back again: "Leicester" "Sorry: there's one from there too. Try another place." The man goes away.
Nine months later, he's back. More adventurous this time. "Edam", he says "Sorry: better, but there's one from there too. Try further afield." The man goes away.
A Year later, he's back again. "Nazareth", he says "Excellent", says the bank manager. "It's a place name. And it hasn't been used by anybody else in the industry. Brilliant, that's the product sorted out. Now what are you going to call the company?" And the man replies ...
"Cheeses of Nazareth"
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar. The bar door opened, and in walked a Humbug.
"Oh Shit!" shouted the Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" said the Smartie.
"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so I'm hiding" said the Polo.
"You should stand up to him" said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if you do"
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.
"Piss off you stripey twat, or I,ll knock you out" said Polo.
Na, no problem Polo mate, I'll leave it said Humbug.
The next night Polo & Smartie are sitting in the bar, when Humbug walks in with his friend, Tune.
"oh shit" shouted Smartie, diving underneath the table.
'What are you doing?" shouted Polo,
I know I told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune" said Smartie.
"So?" said Polo.
He's f***ing menthol said Smartie.
A man walked into a restaurant and ordered squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Gervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" said the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Gervaise "but he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" said the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Gervaise got the little green squid out and put him on the chopping block, raised his knife and ... the little squid looked up and smiled, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", said Gervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out came Hans, while Gervaise disappeared off in tears.
Hans picked up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looked up and smiled, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.
So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy-lip squid.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.