All-Black Rugby FanShipwreckKiwis, Ockers, and the PopeThe GunfighterVery Drunk IrishmanRedneck VasectomyPolish WolfCourting CoupleNo Arabs In Star TrekOutranked
All-Black Rugby Fan
Shipwreck
Kiwis, Ockers, and the Pope
The Gunfighter
Very Drunk Irishman
Redneck Vasectomy
Polish Wolf
Courting Couple
No Arabs In Star Trek
Outranked
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
Wiremu, and other rugby fanatics from New Zealand's West Coast, had travelled to England to watch the All Blacks win the World Cup.
Wiremu felt particularly uneasy during the long flight to the UK and not even two dozen cans of Steinlager could put him right. Soon after his Air New Zealand 747 landed at Heathrow, he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good eh?" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had a genital condition, and that the only cure was testicular removal',"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm getting a second opinion!"
The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure, not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, in plain English you have cancer in the nuts".
"Whats the cure doc" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Well Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls..".
"Phew, thank God for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test-tickets off me!"
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck;
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred;
On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the wild West coast of Northland on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off a headland.
He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a gold football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing black football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them
reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said:
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there
were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New
Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and
could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says,'You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. Sh*te he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. 'I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
On the border of Russia and Poland there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Russian farmer, while the other half belongs to a Polish man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Russian man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Polish neighbour.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."
"How do you know it's one of our wolves?" the Polish farmer asked.
"Well," the Russian replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future..."
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly,lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the gay flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch".