Parochial Jokes - Page 6

A UK Guide for Londoners
You know you have been living in Finland....
English Pronunciation For Americans
Cockney for Americans
Scouse Mother
Earth Summit
Scotland v Faroe Islands
Llanfairpwll
Serious Scientific Research
White Trailer Trash Barbie

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A UK Guide for Londoners

You evidently need to travel a bit more, to broaden your mind. I realise that it takes some courage to venture beyond the North Circular Road, with the unknown dangers that lurk in an unknown country. So I suggest a plan of action that will overcome your traumatic fears in easy stages:-

1. On your first trip, try to get as far as Enfield. Remind yourself that you are still within the M25 ring. Try talking to some of the locals. You'll be surprised. Many of them are similar people to yourself.

2. Same strategy, but this time to Potters Bar, just outside the M25. If you feel sufficiently confident, book into a hotel for the night. Talk to the locals.

3. Progress in easy stages to Watford, Northampton, Nottingham.

4. Now comes the most terrifying stage of all. Go to Sheffield in the South of Yorkshire. Gain confidence by reminding yourself that if things get too hot for you, you can always escape quickly to the relative safety of Nottinghamshire. Talk to the locals. Some of them do not rape the English language at all. Many of them talk rather pleasantly, like, for instance, Michael Parkinson or Darren Gough.

5. You are now cured of your xenophobia, and could even risk a trip up to Scotland. Undreamt horizons are now open to you. At last you can enjoy life in a spirit of peace with your fellow British citizens, and can travel anywhere in the country of your birth without fear of rape or regional accents.

Dick Chambers, Leeds, UK

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You know you have been living in Finland....

You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to the rubbish.
When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:
1. he is drunk
2. he is insane
3. he's European (see 4)
You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry.
A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer, 'oh, I'm going to Europe', meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder 'who does he think he is?'
Silence is fun.
The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm or Tallinn is:
1. duty free vodka
2. duty free beer
3. to party heartily...no need to get off the boat in Stockholm or Tallinn, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than two spoonfuls per person.
You pass a grocery store and think, 'Wow, it is open, I had better go in!'
Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to 'eat medicine', 'open the television', 'close the lights', and tell someone 'you needn't to'! Expressions like 'don't panic' creep into your everyday language.
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your idea of unforgivable behaviour now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no walk symbol, even though there are no cars in sight.
Your notion of street life is reduced to the few teenagers in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead.
You finally stop asking your class, 'Are there any questions?'
Your old habit of being fashionably late is no longer acceptable. You are always on time.
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30C weather.
You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
1. they are drunk
2. the are Swedish-speaking
3. they are Americans
4. all of the above
You no longer look at tracksuits as casual wear, but recognise them as almost formal wear.
You have undergone a transformation:
1. you accept mustamakkara (Black blood sausage) as food
2. you accept alcohol as food
3. you accept
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You just love Jaffa.
You've come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging.
You know that religious holiday means 'let's get pissed'.
You enjoy salmiakki.
You know that 'Gents' is another term for sidewalk.
You know that more than five channels means cable.
When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You accept that 80C in a sauna is chilly, but 20C outside is freaking hot.
You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
You eat herring in 105 ways.
'No comment' becomes a conversation strategy.
You can't understand why people live anywhere but in Finland.

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English Pronunciation For Americans

A common error by Americans is to call someone an asshole.

No, he's an arsehole. Apart from being an object lesson in syntax (the word is not used as a predicative adjective over here) it's a useful exercise in vocal technique:

Make an "ah" sound, but with the jaw more open and the tongue lower in the mouth than with the American "ah". AAAA...

We're going to use a Scots consonant for the next one. Place tongue in a relaxed position on the gum about half a centimetre (a quarter of an inch in Middle America or the more Euroskeptic bits of England) above the teeth. Blow air over it so it vibrates, almost like that trilling sound Latin American singers make (it's also a useful skill if you play a wind instrument that can be fluttertongued). RRRR...

Now clearly enunciated "s". This one's no different from the usual American sound. SSSS...

The "H" sound in British dialects is usually more percussive than in American ones. Almost a panting sound. HH...

The "O" is quite different from the American vowel, the mouth is kept in a more relaxed and rounded conformation (to a British ear, the US way of saying "o" is a mixture of "o" and "a"). Tune in to a British football game and listen to the crowd singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" to get the correct sound. There is often a very slight vocal glide in this syllable, the end of it drifting towards an "uh" sound. (For a Lowland Scottish sound, use a mouth shape tending towards that for "uh" throughout; this also differs from the American vowel but in a different way). OOOOO...

For the "L" sound, the tongue is higher in the mouth than for the usual American sound; shorter, less resonant and more consonantal.

Ready now? AAAARRRRRSSSSHHOOOOLE!!! That worked better, didn't it?

Repeat about 50 times every morning and you will find the clarity of your vowel sounds improves out of all recognition. How do you think Jean Redpath and Emma Kirkby got to sound like they do?

Give it a few weeks and we'll work on getting those glottal and labial plosives and fricatives right by putting better vocal expression into "fuck off".

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Cockney for Americans

Bert (aka Syd): Corse, that Van Dyke lemon-squeezer woulder said lumper lead or Uncle Ned, steader prostitute's bed. Yer don' gerra lorra references ter bitser brarss nail in Disney, an' tha's a fack.

Mary Poppins (aka Sibyl): Why Bert, I do believe you sounded almost but not quite totally authentic for a moment there.

Bert: Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Keep jus' 'arf yer syllables
An' shaht them at full frottle
Call yer boss an iron 'oof, mate
If yer got the bottle
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
When I was jus' a sorcepan lid
(I tells yer no pork pies)
Me old pot sat me dahn an' gave
Me this 'ere lump of ice
Remember there's a difference 'tween
Dear Eartha an' Brad Pitt
Corse Eartha Kitts is Bristols but
Old Brad's an 'eap of shit

Oh, supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Drink yer Vera from the glarss
Or from the Haristotle
If yer Brigham Young needs twistin'
'Ave no fear, this lot'll
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!

Mary Poppins: That's quite enough, thank you, Bert. I appear to have exceeded my ethnicity threshold for today.

Bert: 'Ahzabout you 'n me then, we goes dahn the all-time loser fer a country cousin jarser diesel fitter an' gets gorillers in the mist?

Mary Poppins: You make it sound almost irresistible, but regrettably I have pressing commitments.

Bert: I was finkin' of prerssin' yer commitments afterwards, like.

Mary Poppins: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Donald.

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Scouse Mother

A man was queuing in the post office watching a scouse mother in front collecting her child allowance. Umpteen £20 notes were handed over.

"You must have lots of children" he said.

"Twelve" she replied.

"Goodness me, how do you remember all their names?"

"Easy. They are all called Jason."

"Oh, I see. If you want to call them all for dinner, you shout 'Jason' and they all come running."

"That's right."

"Suppose you want to call only some of them?"

"That's easy also. I call them by their surnames."

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Earth Summit

Last month in preparation for the Earth Summit currently being hosted by South Africa, the UN conducted a world-wide survey. The only question was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure....

In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solutions" meant.

In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Scotland v Faroe Islands

The Scottish soccer team recently drew 2-2 againt the Faroe Islands in the qualifying rounds of Euro 2004.

The population of the Faroe Islands is

41,834

50 % are women leaving

20,917

23% are under 14 (ineligible under FIFA regulations) leaving

16,106

15% are over 65 (and collecting their pension) leaving

13,690

The number of these between 18 - 33 years of age

4,026

64% work on boats and were busy trawling for fish in the North Atlantic leaving

1,449

48% of these prefer the National sport of "Whalebone Wellying" (a close cousin of "Haggis Hurling") and have no interest in football leaving

753

500 made up the crowd while 162 thought it was too cold to go out leaving

24 policemen, 12 firemen, 6 paramedics and the 8 men of the lifeboat crew wereon duty leaving

3 were serving drinks to the Scots in the pub,

2 were on the gate,

1 was selling programs,

1 was the match commentator.

While a 4 man team were taking it in turns providing the pedal power for the floodlights leaving

8 of these were ballboys while another

2 retrieved the ball if it went into the sea leaving

1 Manager, 1 Assistant Manager, 1 Kit Man & 1 Physio leaving

Enough for a first 11 and 5 subs. However, the reserve keepers wife told him their lighthouse needed repainting and wouldn't let him go out to play. A spokesman for the Faroe Islands team said that they were extremely disapointed to have thrown away a 2-0 lead complaining that "we should really be picking up points against teams like this especially as we have some difficult fixtures ahead against the likes of Lithuania & Iceland"

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Llanfairpwll

Two tourists were in Llanfairpwllgwyngellgogerellgwyndrobwllllantisiliogogogoch in North Wales and neither of them could agree on how to pronounce it. They spent the whole day arguing about it and simply couldn't decide.

After their evening meal, one of them went up to the waitress and asked her if she could clearly and slowly tell them where they were.

To which she replied:

"B U R G E R K I N G !"

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Serious Scientific Research

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year of research and a cost of $180,000, they concluded the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After Duke published their study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After three years of research and a cost of $250,000, they concluded the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Saskatchewan, in mid-west Canada, was unsatisfied with these findings, so they conducted their own study. After three weeks of research and a cost of $52.47 CND, they concluded the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

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White Trailer Trash Barbie

She's bigger'n meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, "thank-thur-better'n-you" Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.

Every White Trailer Trash Barbie comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of eating fried foods, bitching, and watching TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals. (*Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)

Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again! God only knows who by!

Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' jew god d#@! kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my f#!@ing cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

Barbie double-wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy, half-breed Rottwieler, Rufus also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (Sold separately). Also comes in trailer, a life-size poster of every trailer park's fav'rite TV star, Jerry Springer.

Barbie dream car. 1976 Camaro in mix-n'- match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust*. Coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen MexiMigrant Barbies (Sold separately). (*smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.) Concrete blocks available for front yard, at no extra charge. Oops! And don't forget the gas can and the fix-a-flat!

Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. Complete with cowboy boots and Wild Turkey. Cusses, mumbles, then cries when string is pulled. (African-American version available except in Mississippi)

Married-life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded to recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up, woman," and, "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded).

Get yours before the Christmas rush is on. Sold now at your local Wal-Marts.

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