Dirty SecretSelfishCapitalist Hell v Communist HellMarxist JokeRussian TrainsComrade ColonelEminem in AustraliaA Brief Visit To AustraliaUK Soccer Headlines You Won't SeeJesus and the Scouser
Dirty Secret
Selfish
Capitalist Hell v Communist Hell
Marxist Joke
Russian Trains
Comrade Colonel
Eminem in Australia
A Brief Visit To Australia
UK Soccer Headlines You Won't See
Jesus and the Scouser
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Big Joke List
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Almerston North, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her that my brother-in-law is a Scouser?
Liverpool were doing dreadful in the premier league so one morning Gerard Houllier pulled his head scout in the office;
"I want you to go out and get me the best striker there is"
So off went the scout, three weeks had passed and he had travelled all over Europe and America but hadn't found what he'd been looking for.
As a last result he paid a visit to a small league game in Kosovo. His prayers were answered, in the first half of the match he watched a 16 year old lad take on the whole team five times to score with both feet, a header and a free kick from 40 yards out. The same happened in the second half and the scout decided he was "the one".
He called Gerrard and explained about this wonderboy to which Gerrard replied "get him, just get him, we'll set him up in a nice little apartment in Liverpool and pay him well, just get him!!"
This he did and the following Saturday Liverpool were losing 3-0 at Old Trafford at half-time. Houllier decided to send on his new found wonder boy and gave him a run out. Within 20 minutes Liverpool were winning 4-3 and the Kosovian hero had scored all four!!
This went on for the next few games and the whole country loved this guy. He was happy and couldn't believe how much his life had turned around so he called his mum.
"Mum, have you heard, I'm a national hero, I'm the top scorer, I've got a 5 year contract and I'm earning £70k a week"
"You selfish bugger" she replied "only yesterday your sister was raped, your father was mugged and shot and the house has been burnt down"
He replied "but mum, how is all this my fault?"
"It was you who made us move to Liverpool!"
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no tractors. Da?
F: Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Why?
F: I have two cheekens...
It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it."
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it."
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.
Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.
"Now. Train is moving."
A joke the Polish tell about Russians...
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm -- he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:
"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns about a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and of course, the dungarees.
But Eminem said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he was willing to judge Australians for himself.
An Australian, originally from Canberra but now living in Tokyo, struck up a conversation with an American in a bar. The American said he had been to Australia "briefly". Asked what he meant by "briefly", the American explained that he had disembarked in Sydney and proceeded to Immigration, where an officer had asked him if he had a criminal record. "I didn't know you still needed one," the American had replied - and found himself on the next plane out.
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't f*ckin touch me! I'm on disability!"