What Kind Of -Ese
Saddam Hussein
Manchester United Maths Workbook
10 Footballing Mergers that should happen!
Cardiff Police Press Release
Four people in a train carriage
Americans Understand Irony
The English In Wales
Irish Extreme Sports
Useful Phrases to know when travelling in Moslem Countries
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Big Joke List
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc.?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the Americans and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Fans, and perhaps just admirers of the World's Greatest Club, will doubtless enjoy the release of The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds which has been introduced as part of the Governments maths campaign.
With the QPR Dons merger now officially dead (May 2001), here are 10 proposed mergers that should go through!
Police in Cardiff were today searching for a gang of 15 men, believed to be from the Liverpool area, after a valuable piece of antique silverware was stolen from the Millennium Stadium.
The silver was smuggled out of the stadium in full view of almost 70,000 people following an unprovoked attack on a party of elderly visitors from London. The mugging took place late on Saturday afternoon as the pensioners from north London were enjoying a stroll in the spring sunshine.
A spokesman for South Wales police said: "This was a particularly nasty and cowardly assault. The attackers lulled the elderly gentlemen into a false sense of security by standing around doing absolutely nothing for almost an hour. Then, just as the visitors were about to get back onto their coach and return to the capital, the vicious young thugs struck."
Police are particularly interested in talking to one member of the gang who is described as "young, dwarfish, with an annoying girlish smile; a real Oliver Twist type". He is believed to be Welsh but adopts a Liverpool accent and claims to be English.
The gang, which includes several political refugees and illegal immigrants from Central Europe, is led by a French-speaking "Fagin" who is also a master forger and pickpocket.
"This man has no scruples whatsoever. We believe he steals most of his ideas from a near neighbour in Lancashire; a man he much admires. We have interviewed this man, and although he is a former owner of the property and also guilty of a similar crime himself in Barcelona adopting similar methods some two years ago, he is above reproach."
However, there were fears tonight that the gang had embarked on a crime spree in Europe themselves. The police spokesman added: "We have alerted Interpol and are watching all ports but we fear they may have already left the country. They were overheard by some witnesses talking about heading for Germany on Wednesday. We can only hope they won't be back in Wales for a long time to come."
Liverpool FC beat Arsenal in the FA Cup Final on Sat 12 May 2001,
and met Alaves on Wed 16 May 2001 in the UEFA Cup Final at Borussia Dortmund's Westfalenstadion in Germany, winning 5-4.
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face"
The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".
An American is walking in London on a rainy day and a passing Brit says to him "Great weather".
The American is somewhat bemused by this: it's clearly not great weather, it's a horrible day. And then light dawns, the Brit is being *ironic*. "Hey" he thinks, "this is great, I understand irony. Who says we Americans don't do irony? I'll have to remember to use this in future".
So the following week he goes to a restaurant with some British friends. The food is awful so the American draws himself up and says ...
"Hey, great weather".
4 bus loads of English go to South Wales for the day. They have a lovely day and visit many parts of the principality. They start off in the Gower and then off to Dan Yr Ogaf for the stalagmites and a nice lunch.
They have a nice chit-chat about how much they have enjoyed the day and then decide to stop off in a typical Welsh club on the way back to the bridge and they end up in Merthyr and promptly pile out of the coaches and proceed to completely pack out the place.
They are greeted warmly and decide to have food as well as Allbright.
The owner is ecstatic by the takings and goes up to the organiser and says "Thank u evvvver so much wus, U iz always welcome ere mun." "As a way of extending this welcome you are all welcome to join us in the weekly game of bingo".
Everyone cheers and they all buy at least 6 books each. The owner cannot believe it and just before the balls are called addresses the locals and the guests;
"May I thank our guests this evening and wish them well on their journey. Thanks to their joining us I can announce to everyone that we have record prizes this evening" "100 pounds a line and 750 pounds a full house" " Good luck and enjoy yourselves. Right then here we go, eyes down look in."
"On its own , Pedwar"
Two Irish blokes are standing on the edge of a cliff, one has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on one shoulder.
The first jumps off the cliff and halfway down the budgies fly off, he hits the ground with a thud and is barely alive as he rolls around groaning upon the rocks. The second man jumps off the cliff and half way down the parrot flies off, the man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a shotgun and shoots the parrot just before he lands upon the rocks.
As they both lie there in pain the first man comments
"I don't think much of this Budgie jumping"
The other replies
"I don't think much of this free fall parrot shooting either"
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI !
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
(Reportedly these phrases are actually garbled Persian!)