Russian SubmarineScouse TroubleAustralia - The Confusing CountryOlympic advice for visitors to SydneyAre You American?A Few Signs ...Windaz 98Notice Of Revocation Of IndependenceNotice Of Revocation Of Independence - The ResponseComa
Russian Submarine
Scouse Trouble
Australia - The Confusing Country
Olympic advice for visitors to Sydney
Are You American?
A Few Signs ...
Windaz 98
Notice Of Revocation Of Independence
Notice Of Revocation Of Independence - The Response
Coma
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Big Joke List
(Sung to Yellow Submarine)
In the town
Where I was born
Lived a man
With PhD
And he told
Us of his job
Making faulty
Submarines
So we sailed
Up to the north
Till we found
The Barents Sea
And we sank
Beneath the waves
In our Russian
Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
Casualties
Jump by the score
As we hit
The ocean floor
And the air
Begins to fade
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
Radiation
Makes us hot
Hypothermia
Makes us not
Turning blue
And glowing green
In our Russian
Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
2 Scousers riding along the M62 on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b@$!%*%ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".
reportedly by Douglas Adams (of Hitchhikers Guide fame)
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But, spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars,the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described. The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel,and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture. Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings "G'Day!" "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." "She'll be right." "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide.
The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick:Second most useful thing ever" and Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
When in the water at Bondi, always be sure to wave enthusiastically to the lifeguard, so he'll know exactly where you are.
The tolls on the harbour bridge are voluntary. You should only contribute if the toll officer sings for you, or at the very least plays an instrument.
When visiting the top restaurant the Rockpool, be sure to joke with Neil Perry about how he lost his Good Food Guide hats last year. Neil is very relaxed about it, and finds the jokes " hilarious ".
It is traditional to bargain with Sydney taxi drivers over the fare. On no account pay what is on the meter, as this will be sure to cause offence.
Before attempting the traditional climb of the Opera House sails, always remove your shoes.
Money lost at the Star City Casino is refundable at the end of the night. Just have a word to one of the kindly security guards.
You'll find Kerry Packer's luxury yacht, Arctic P, moored in the harbour. Just clamber aboard, as Kerry loves surprises.
The Olympic "Clearway" lanes are kept completely clear of traffic so as to provide cheap parking.
The monorail is no longer in service. The metal track, though, is now available to American visitors for rollerblading, or simple sunbaking.
When surfing at Bondi, do not be surprised if a hooter sounds and the swimmers around you head for the shore. This is a local custom to allow our visitors to have uncrowded enjoyment of the waves.....and if you happen to have a shark appear - they are very tame and love to be patted on the nose.
Sydneysiders love to hear constructive feedback especially if given with our favourite accent: British. If you can think of any way to improve our city - perhaps in your country you've found a better way to do something- tell the Sydneysiders you meet in as much detail as you can. They'll thank you for it.
Tourists crossing the Harbour Bridge will be pleased to know that Bureau de Change offices are installed in all lanes, where you can change your home currency for Australian dollars. Feel free to haggle to get the best exchange rate.
Sydney has vibrant drinking houses and a lively tradition to match. Join in the fun by following a local custom - after every third drink, catch the eye of as many people as possible and call out loudly, "It's my shout!".
Parliament House is open to the public..... From the public Gallery it is possible to see of Australia's finest actors, Robert Carr, perform in the role of Abraham Lincoln.
If sunburnt while in Sydney. A good remedy is to sleep naked between fresh bed sheets, which have had a hand full of Bondi sand sprinkled liberally between them.
While bathing in the Harbour remember that any Jelly Blubbers you may swim into can be used to beef up your bra or sluggo size. These do-it-yourself beauty enhancements come in many different sizes and colours and are GST free.
Keep an eye out for one of the hundreds of delightful creatures that decorate our beautiful beaches, The Blue Bottle. You'll have hours of fun picking these creatures up by the tail and swinging overhead.
Visitors to Sydney will notice a unique road service provided to assist tourists: special sightseer lanes on the Harbour Bridge and elsewhere, marked B-U-S, which stands for Banned Unless Sightseeing.
Don't worry about getting to the station early - Sydney trains always run on time.
The "T" lane means Tourist Lane, so that Tourists can stop on the Harbour Bridge to look at the Opera House.
Small silver scooters are ubiquitous throughout the city and are provided free by the State Transit Authority....just approach someone riding one and ask them firmly to give up the scooter...they may protest...but don't be put off. You may need to physcially wrestle the scooter from the other rider.
Unless you have 'top cover' travel insurance, do not attempt to drive across the Harbour Bridge as the trip up and over the arch is extremely hazardous.
Should any visitors have any problems when travelling please call 9333 1000 where the large number of helpful staff will offer all advice and assistance.
Vegemite is a very mild flavoured chocolate for putting on bread. To fully appreciate it you should spread it at least 1 inch thick.
Most Australian families leave all their clothes at the front door ( a bit like the Japanese do with their shoes). If you are invited to an Aussies home, disrobe as soon as you enter the front door.
When a local says he's going to "shoot through" take it literally - and run for your life.
If you want to see kangaroos, stand on George Street at 5.05 pm and yell "cooee" five times - reminding them to come out of their burrows under the Queen Vic building.
When visiting the Opera House - rows A to K are best for mobile phone reception and for flash photography....
The viewing windows from the Sydney Harbour Tunnel are open to the public outside peak hour. The best access is via the southbound tunnel: parking is provided at intervals along the tunnel.
Due to the huge number of international tourists visiting our city and touring around the countryside, the government has decided to temporarily amend the road rules. All tourists will be allowed to drive on the right side of the road until the end of the Olympics.
The locals at Bondi Beach have invented their own competition. So far Mark from Ireland has managed to consecutively hit 4 tennis balls directly onto the volleyball court from the beach. Anyone who beats this record will have their name recorded in the local newspaper's special Olympic edition.
Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced
individual.
If you answered mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are an American.
Signs You've Been in PARIS Too Long
Signs You've Been in EDINBURGH Too Long
Signs You've Been in LEEDS Too Long
Signs You've Been in NOTTINGHAM Too Long
Signs You've Been in LEICESTER Too Long
Signs You've Been in DERBY Too Long
Signs You've Been in LONDON Too Long
Signs You've Been in MANCHESTER Too Long
Signs You've Been in LIVERPOOL Too Long
Signs You've Been in GLASGOW Too Long
Signs You've Been in DUBLIN Too Long
Signs You've Been in CARDIFF Too Long
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCEMENT
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads; Windaz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.
Also note:
Other Features:
Also note that Windaz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaz 98:
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received copy of the Newcastle edition.
You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate replacement.
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
|
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Her representative within America shall be her son Charles Windsor (Prince of Wales) who will also be given the title 'Prince of America'. |
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Thank you for your cooperation.
To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland....
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "