Parochial Jokes - Page 2

What time is it?
Drinking
English Rugby
Canadian Classic
Another Canadian Classic
Letter from Home
Euro 2000 I-Spy
Lynford Christie At The Golf Course
Joining Europe - An Argument?
Touchy

Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List

What time is it?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Go to the menu

Drinking

A South African, an Aussie, and a Londoner were sitting in a London pub having a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer, downs it, throws his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air.

He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and shouts "In Souff Afrika we hef so meny glausses we never drenk out of the same glauss twass".

The Aussie then downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and belches. "Ay mate, in Osstraarlear we have so much blaady saaand which makes glaaass reeeally cheap, so we too, never drink out of the same glaaass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and South African and says "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."

Go to the menu

English Rugby

MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD

65,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened last year and in 1990. Interviewed afterwards, Princess Anne said "Does anyone want this *#%"*! trophy?" (continued p 94)

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

FOR SALE

One chariot, (low-swinging sweet type), in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off). One careless owner, details from Clive.
Tel.Twickenham 19-13.

FOR SALE

100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99 or 1999/2000) Contact : RFU, Twickenham.

LOST

One rugby match, believed lost in Murrayfield area. Of great personal significance, reward to finder. Call Lawrence on speed-dial.

LOST (on way to Murrayfield)

1. Plan B
2. Graciousness
3. Bottle

Please contact :G Archer, C Woodward, L Dallaglio (Twickenham)

IN MEMORIAM

Slam, G : Passed away, 2 April 2000. Sorely missed by Matt and the boys.
Will never forget you, when will we see your like again?

Go to the menu

Canadian Classic

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Go to the menu

Another Canadian Classic

One day, two Canadians were walking along the beach and happened upon the famous "genie in a bottle". Upon rubbing the bottle, the Genie pops out and says... "Since both of you were rubbing the bottle and let me free, I will grant each one of you one wish!"

Now, being from Quebec, the first one tells the Genie that he wants the province of Quebec seperated from the rest of Canada, and that a big wall should be built around it. "Poof!" and the guy disappears and his wish granted.

"What is your wish?" he says to the next one. After a few seconds the guy says, "Can you fill that wall with water?"

Go to the menu

Letter from Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle. The baby looks just like your brother Uncle Bobby.

Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite Aunt, Mom

Go to the menu

Euro 2000 I-Spy

IT'S the fun Euro 2000 game all of the country will be playing! Simply print out our list of things to watch out for during coverage of the tournament and award yourself points as soon as they happen. A German player with a mullet? 10 points! Jimmy Hill making an arse of himself? Five points! And so on......................

• Shot of field of tulips waving in front of windmill - 12 points
• Shot of Norwegian fan wearing Viking helmet - 8 points
• Shot of attractive blonde Swedish female fan - 4 points
• Ruud Gullit struggling to say something nice about Alan Shearer, who has just scored a hat-trick - 37 points
• BBC "surprise guest" Jimmy Hill stumbles into studio wearing novelty bow tie - 4 points
• Shot of Mannekin Pis (Brussels statue of little boy having a wee) - 9 points
• As above, but with corny voiceover hoping "England don't get caught short tonight" - 16 points
• Mention of little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke - 10 points
• As above, but accompanied by crude laughter from Ally McCoist - 20 points
• Studio discussion of "famous Belgians" throws up the names of Hercule Poirot and Plastic Bertrand - 18 points
• Commentator praises David Beckham "who's matured a lot in the last two years" - 7 points
• Beckham lashes out at opponent following innocuous challenge - 12 points
• "Diabolical defending" (A Hansen) - 3 points
• "Ooh, look at the muck in here" (M Lawrenson) - 12 points
• Gabby Yorath makes stupid blunder - 6 points
• Gabby Yorath fails to make stupid blunder - 28 points
• "People say I'm boring, but the lads know I'm a real joker" (A Shearer) - 3 points
• German player with mullet - 10 points
• Czech/Slovenian/Yugoslavian player with mullet - 1 point
• Bob Wilson hosting very, very, very late at night highlights show - 14 points
• "I can't quite put my finger on where we went wrong" (K Keegan) - 7 points
• Dennis Wise promises to keep his cool and not let anyone down - 3 points
• Wise dismissed for reckless lunge at mascot Benelucky, who had been "looking at me funny" - 19 points
• "Hey, tell you what. Someone says there's a game of football on today. Shall we watch it together?" (D Lynam, intro to England v Germany match) - 8 points
• England v Germany commentator urging us to "relax - this is a group game, so it can't go to penalties" - 12 points
• On morning of England-Germany game, Alan Ball prattles in the tabloids on about 1966, Sir Alf, Dunkirk spirit, etc - 6 points
• Sir Geoff Hurst points out that the ball definitely crossed the line because a poacher like Roger Hunt would definitely have followed up if it hadn't - 1 point
• Peter Schmeichel shouting at Danish defenders - 2 points
• Clive Tyldesley mentions Manchester United 17 times during first half of game between Belgium and Turkey - 13 points
• After a chair is broken by England fans in an Eindhoven bar, The Daily Mail calls for the immediate banning of all football immediately - 4 points
• "They should birch these hooligans, it's the only language they understand" (R Littlejohn) - 2 points
• Shot of David Baddiel in stands looking smug as crowd sing 'Three Lions' - 6 points
• Shot of Prince Charles in stands looking uncomfortable at having to watch this soccer lark - 3 points
• Amanda Holden/Nicole Appleton out of All Saints/Sara Cox/Zoe Ball ligging at England v Germany match and pretending they've "always been into footy" - 23 points
• Posh Spice in stands looking adoringly at D Beckham - 5 points
• Posh Spice in stands eating pie - 55 points
• Jolly England fans celebrate thrilling 3-2 victory against Portugal by singing meaningless song about the IRA - 1 point
• Archive shot of Graham Taylor saying "Do I not like that" - 3 points
• Archive shot of Stuart Pearce scoring his penalty and making "that face" - 4 points
• "This has got to be the worst game of football I've ever seen" (A Green, Radio Five Live) - 2 points
• Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Top" - 3 points
• Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Thinning-On-Top" - 6 points
• "And on the ball now is (insert name of any player from other 15 countries here) who has, of course, been linked with a move to Chelsea" - 7 points
• Frank Leboeuf points out that he has a World Cup winners' medal - 13 points
• Tabloids refer to England's first opponents as "the Portuguese men of war" - 9 points
• Tabloids explain how David Seaman (36), Tony Adams (33), Martin Keown (33) and Paul Ince (33) will demolish an ageing German outfit whose best days are behind them - 7 points
• Serious newsman attempting to deliver insert about potential hooliganism at tonight's match with drunken fans waving to camera behind him - 11 points
• As above, but with harassed newsman telling yobs to "clear off" - 22 points
• Kevin Phillips mentions that he used to work in a warehouse - 14 points
• Alan Shearer just happens to let it slip that he is "just a sheet metal worker's son from Newcastle" - 25 points
• England go out of tournament on penalties - 99 points

Go to the menu

Lynford Christie At The Golf Course

Ok, so Lynford finds himself in his hotel room having trouble winding down at the end of an interview. He thinks to himself, "What I need right now is a nice relaxing game of golf."

He heads off to the most exclusive club in the area, only to be stopped by our hero, the secretary of this particular club.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I'd like to play a round of golf."

"Are you a member sir?"

"Um... no, but.."

"Ah! then I'm sorry sir, the club is only available to members. There's a very nice municipal golf course only 10 minutes down the road. You shouldn't have to wait more than half an hour for a game."

"But I can afford any sort of entrance fee."

"It doesn't matter. You're not a member. Municipal golf course 10 minutes down the road. Half an hour wait."

"But I'm a famous sportsman"

"It doesn't matter. You're not a member. Municipal golf course 10 minutes down the road. Half an hour wait."

"But don't you realise who I am?"

"No, sir, it doesn't matter. You're not a member. Municipal golf course 10 minutes down the road. Half an hour wait."

"But I'm Lynford Christie"

"Oh, sorry, sir, I didn't recognise you.

"In that case, I'll have to reconsider...

"The municipal golf course is just 5 minutes down the road."

Go to the menu

Joining Europe - An Argument?

Are you a European? Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are...

1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
   1. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
   2. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
   3. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, 'Ich liebe das buessenhalter!'
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
   1. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
   2. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
   3. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, 'Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia Bastardo!'
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman passes by. Do you:
   1. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
   2. Smile and maybe say, 'Hello'.
   3. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
   1. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
   2. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
   3. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
   1. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
   2. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
   3. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
   1. Roll over and go back to sleep.
   2. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
   3. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
   1. Start the day's work straight away.
   2. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
   3. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
   1. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
   2. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
   3. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
   1. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
   2. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
   3. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
    1. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
    2. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
    3. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.

Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the above.

This is what we want in Europe:

1. Swiss salary.
2. Luxembourg taxes.
3. German car.
4. British home.
5. Spanish girls.
6. French wine.
7. Italian food.
8. Belgian beer.
9. Austrian mountains.
10. Danish administration.

And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:

1. Czech salary.
2. Swedish taxes.
3. Spanish car.
4. Belgian home.
5. Greek girls.
6. German wine.
7. British food.
8. French beer.
9. Dutch mountains.
10. Italian administration.

Apparently, when we join the EMU, the term 'spending a penny' will be replaced by 'euronating'.

Go to the menu

Touchy

This Big scouser is sitting at the bar when this gay guy walks in. The gay guy looks at this 6 foot 4 inch scouser and thinks yeah pretty tasty and so sits down next to him.

A minute later he gets the guts and asks the guy if he wanted a blow job!

The scouser gets up and punches the gay guy smack in the face! With blood pouring out everywhere he kicks him again before picking him up and chucking him out of the pub.

He sits down at the bar and carry on drinking.

The bar tender goes up to him and asks "I never seen you like that, what did he say to you?"

He replies calmly "I dunno, something about a job!"

Go to the menu