Guide for Americans Visiting Britain
Swiss Joke
Liverpool Olympics
God Creates Balance
Paris Restaurant
Quaint Villagers
Maths Test For Secondary Schools In The North of England
Maths Test For Secondary Schools In The South of England
Irish Sky Diver
Cultural Differences
VOCABULARY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called Tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
HABITS
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two-or three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
UNIVERSITIES
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
FOOD
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappebats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organisation -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
15 crash survivors manage to make it to a small deserted island. The survivors are:
Six months later....
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw. Sledge etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged
Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner
GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged £50 'to look after their motor'. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallys forming a circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them in France."
An Englishman is in a Paris restaurant - he's just had the soup put in front of him. As the waiter departs, he calls him back. 'Garcon, il y a un mouche dans ma soupe.'
The waiter, seeing that there is indeed a fly in the soup, corrects him: 'UNE mouche, monsieur.'
'By God, sir,' says the Englishman, peering even closer at the fly, 'you've got good eyesight!'
The city person is on his way, through some fields, by foot, to a nearby village. After some time, he wants to know the time but realizes that he doesn't have his watch with him. He then notices a rustic resting under a tree with a donkey next to him.
When the city-sophisticate asks him for the time the villager lifts up donkey's tail and declares "10:17". The city person is impressed and intrigued.
On his way back to the city after a few hours, he notices that the villager and his donkey are still in the same place. When asked for the time the rustic repeats the same motions and replies "2:12."
The city person is terribly impressed. "How mysteriously quaint", he thinks, "villagers after all live close to nature; they have no need for machines like the rest of us do." He asks the villager very respectfully what his secret is.
"Ah, that's simple", says the villager. "I can't see the clock tower over there without getting my donkey's tail out of the way!"
Name: _________________________
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Name: __________________________________________________________
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School: _______________________________
Daddy's Company: ______________________
Did you hear about the Irish sky diver who fell to his death last week when his flippers failed to open?
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
A gent form England listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?", Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the English gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman..."
"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"