Financial MeltdownMoral DilemaBMW DriverNew Head of State for ChinaSaddam TownsendFire Service To Cover For ArmyOde Tae A Fart
Financial Meltdown
Moral Dilema
BMW Driver
New Head of State for China
Saddam Townsend
Fire Service To Cover For Army
Ode Tae A Fart
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Big Joke List
London, October 08 2003 (Reuters)
Police used tear gas and batons to break up a mob of angry unemployed stockbrokers in the heart of the financial district as the FTSE100 slumped through the 500 mark to finish at 497.2. The brokers were demonstrating outside of the Stock Exchange building, demanding an audience with the recently elected chairman, James Fleming. When he failed to appear, the brokers began attacking the building and security staff with briefcases and what appeared to be rolled up social security forms.
With unemployment in the financial services industry hovering at nearly 90%,the Government has ordered an inquiry into whether it is feasible to permanently retrain the growing army of brokers and other fallouts from the financial services industry. "It is very difficult though," said a spokesman. "It does not appear that they have any useful skills - legal ones anyway - which may be redirected to more productive pursuits."
Brokers have become increasingly desperate as the equity market continues to slide and the war in Iraq enters its ninth month with little sign that US forces are making any progress. There was a brief 5-point rally in the market yesterday on news that Saddam Hussein had been captured, but it turned out to be another "look-alike." "We have now detained more than 300 men and 2 women who bear a striking resemblance to the Iraqi dictator," Colonel T.J. Muskrat of the 98th Rangers told a press briefing in Baghdad.
The oil price continues to hover at $US60/barrel as motorists began to adjust to the second week of petrol rationing. Commuters have also praised the introduction of rat-powered treadmills to tube trains.
Meanwhile, many online employment web sites were inundated yesterday on news that Merrill Morgan Suisse Warburg Barney, one of the three remaining brokerages, was planning to advertise for a receptionist's assistant. Bill Pettigrew at Seekjob.com said brokers swamped his site and forced it off line for an hour. MMSWB later denied the rumour, and said they intended to continue with their recently announced program of staff cuts. Anthony Pope, a former client adviser at ABNAmroMorgans, said the news "perked him up even though I knew it couldn't be true."
Yesterday's tentative market rally soon petered out and the market closed near its lows. An LSE spokesman said the reduced trading hours 10.00-10.30 am) appeared to be working well. The Nikkei descended below 100 for the second time in a fortnight, and the Bank of Japan was again the main buyer of stocks. It issued another 725 trillion yen of government bonds, with a coupon of 0.00003% per annum and maturing when the sun finally sets on the Japanese empire.
Dear Agony Aunt,
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or
Should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?) Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George W: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George W: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George W: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George W: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George W: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George W: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George W: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Getme the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman
Saddam Actually Just Doing Research for Book on Weapons of Mass Destruction
Baghdad - Iraqi President Saddam Hussein today told investigators he is not developing nuclear or biological weapons, but instead has been doing research for a book on weapons of mass destruction he hopes to see published next year.
Hussein, whose palaces were recently searched by the United Nations as part of an ongoing investigation, said he's always been strongly opposed to such weapons, and believes he was a victim of weapons of mass destruction during his childhood. According to inspectors, Hussein denied possessing any missile or biochemical material, but acknowledged visiting "a handful" of Internet sites where he could view images of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons. In an interview with the British tabloid The Sun, the dictator also admitted he used a credit card to access one such site, but "never downloaded any blueprints or bought any uranium or anything."
The visits, Hussein claims, were part of his research for an upcoming book, which will include a claim of weapons of mass destruction abuse when Saddam was between the ages of five and six years old and living with his maternal grandmother. (The abuse allegedly came from a male friend of the family, who forced Saddam to expose himself to nerve gas.)
The experience is considered an influence in Hussein's classic 1980 show of force in northern Iraq, in which thousands of Kurd boys were made deaf, dumb, and blind with sarin. But Hussein said, that action was an "awkward but sincere" attempt at shedding light on weapons abuse, and insisted he should not be viewed as a weaponographer.
"I am angry about ease of access to weapons of mass destruction, and deeply wounded at the inference that I might be procuring or peddling them," he said. "I have looked at weapons sites maybe three or four times in all, just the front pages and previews. I have never purchased any weapons of mass destruction or wished to own any. The truth is, we must try to stop it, but if we can't do that we should invest our energy in helping victims, such as myself."
Since the allegations came to light, Iraq fans have been poring over Hussein's novels, trying to discern whether he has given hints about his apparent obsession. Several passages have raised red flags, including one in his latest work, The Fortified Castle, which includes the line, "Rough boys, under the sheets, I want to infect you with 60cc of anthrax and kiss you."
FIRE SERVICE TO COVER FOR ARMY IN IRAQ 15th April, 2003
In the face of industrial action by members of the armed forces, the
government has announced that the Fire Service will, as an interim
measure, carry out military operations in Iraq.
The army, who have demanded a 40% pay increase on the basis that their job has become rather more technical since 1945, will begin strike action next Thursday unless a compromise pay deal can be agreed in the meantime. It is understood that they will spend their time standing around little bonfires, rubbing their hands together and waving at passing vehicles who honk their horns at them.
Crack Fire Service personnel, highly trained in playing darts, brewing tea and sliding down poles, are understood to be on standby to take up front line operations. Using their "red goddess" vehicles instead of tanks, they will race towards Iraqi lines and attempt to annoy the enemy into surrendering by making a lot of noise and spraying them with water.
Prime Minister Tony Blair has already stated that the Fire Service strike of last year proved that a vastly undermanned service with limited training and unsuitable equipment can perform the duties of a well-trained, well-equipped and well-manned professional force equally as efficiently and without loss of life.
When it was pointed out to him that the bright red fire engines might make an easy target for enemy fire, Mr. Blair said, "Never mind, we've got too many firemen as it is - er, is that camera running?" Asked for his comment, Britain's partner in the coalition in the war against Iraq, US President George W. Bush, said "Ooh, can I have a go on the siren?"
A tribute to Burns Night
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty