Guide to PillionsY1KCar For SaleIf Airlines Sold PaintThe Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Hundred-Acre WoodBomb IraqSkiers DictionaryHow Cold Is It?MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!Real Men Don't Miss a Season
Guide to Pillions
Y1K
Car For Sale
If Airlines Sold Paint
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Hundred-Acre Wood
Bomb Iraq
Skiers Dictionary
How Cold Is It?
MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!
Real Men Don't Miss a Season
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Big Joke List
You know how it is when you eye up a fresh pillion, intending to indulge in consenting motorcycling with them - you wonder what it'll be like, how you'll cope with that special close contact, whether you'll enjoy it, whether they'll respect you afterwards. All too often your enthusiasm gets the better of you when you go for it, and your pillion slaps you, shrieking "I'm not that kind of pillion!", and it seems that the problem is really not knowing what kind of pillion you actually are facing - well, to help you out in this matter, here's the Guide to Pillions.
Fork Bottomer
FB, aka Fat Bastard, sits like a sack of potatoes on your overstressed bike. Helps you pull monster wheelies though, even on C90's. But watch out you don't get pulled off too. If you do get pulled off, though, you get a guaranteed soft landing, and the pleasure of flattening the FB.
Flyweight
Delightful. You don't notice they're there. Occasionally pound at your back when you're really enjoying yourself 'cos you've forgotten they're there. Worth checking to see if they're still there now and then; you may have dropped them at the lights. The looking-over-the-shoulder routine you're taught to have as a reflex proves invaluable with these pillions.
Petrified
These pillions are the best. They remain frozen with fear and you forget they're there. Take a crowbar with you to prise them off the seat afterwards though.
Terrified
These are a challenge. Unlike Petrified, Terrified moves all over the place, counter-leaning in corners, clenching their buttocks and squirming on their seat as you filter through traffic, emitting pitiful cries of unhappiness as you blast off from the lights... truly annoying. Cure by applying more terror until they become Petrified.
Mumbler/regional-accent-handicapped
Can't hear/understand a word this pillion says. Impossible to swap
witty remarks with, especially in the cut-and-thrust of London
traffic. Eg:
"I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "What?"
"I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "Er...what?"
"I CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "Hunh?"
"I CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "What? Oh soddit, the lights have
changed" (repeat at every set of lights)
Frustrating.
Indifferent
Not impressed by the smoothest corners, the beefiest blast offs, the wildest of wheelies and the most perceptive, prescient and pre-emptive of roadcraft; this pillion knows no fear either. Riders are mystified by this one, though theories abound: Possibly a despatch rider's panniers in a previous life. Possibly plays Russian Roulette in spare time. Possibly a follower of the Roger Moore school of method acting. Check pulse - possibly dead - to avoid confusing with the Petrified pillion.
Asleep
Like Indifferent, but with the reason that this pillion is dozing off. Occasionally wakes up with a sudden movement or falls off. Cure with coffee, or letting them fall off. Or try and be less enthusiastic in bed the night before with your pillion, if that's the cause.
Backseat driver
Type A: Non-vocal
Usually people with their own bike who're scrounging a lift off you.
They send useful feedback about your riding style, mostly non-verbal
(eg clutching you really hard just when you're really enjoying a
corner).
Warning: If this pillion expects you to take a turning you will find
your bike is heading that way regardless of your own wishes, just
because the pillion has leant that way. Very disconcerting.
Type B: Vocal
Gives a running commentary of everybody and everything on the road -
eg: "Bastard! Try using your indicators, fat-arse Jaguar!", "Leaf
litter!", "Golly, what a pothole!" "AGGH! Volvo Battlecruiser in
sight!" Takes while to get rid of the feeling that your mind has
developed an echo. Mildly disconcerting, then you get used to it.
No-Way-Am-I-Gay (The Jason Syndrome)
If the pilot's a bloke, and the pillion is too, this personality trait
sometimes shows up in the pillion: The pillion tries perching as far
away from the bloke in front as is feasible, keeping hands off the
pilot. No-Way-Am-I-Gay occasionally falls off under acceleration, but
prefers that to being thought gay. Usually Italian or Greek. Will kick
your head in if you tell him he's insecure (even though you only meant
he'll find it hard to stay on).
Watch out when accelerating:
For wheelies
For feet in the armpits as the pillion heroically attempts to stay on
without doing anything so poofy as to grab on to the bloke in front.
Hopeless.
Joker
Amuses himself (rarely herself) by witty little jokes designed to endear himself to other road users. Typical Joker actions:
Well, this guide has now covered the main categories of pillion - learn from it, and may you and your pillion be blessed with many, many happy miles together.
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K" Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilisation, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course,we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half- gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half- gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Printed with permission. Copyright Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.
Many people have noticed the similarity bewteen the character of Marvin, the paranoid android and Eeyore from the A.A. Milne "Winnie the Pooh" stories. DNA claimed this was purely coincidental and he only noticed himself when his mother pointed it out.
I have been doing some investigation and can exclusively reveal that HHG is, in fact, based on a long lost A.A.Milne Book. So, it is with great pleasure we present:-
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Hundred-Acre Wood
Starring:-
| Winnie the Pooh | Arthur Dent |
| Piglet | Ford Prefect |
| Tigger | Zaphod Beeblebrox |
| Kanga | Trillian/Tricia McMillan |
| Roo | Random (Frequent Flyer) Dent |
| Eeyore | Marvin the Paranoid Android |
| Rabbit | Slartibartfast |
| Owl | The Great Prophet Zarquon |
| Heffalumps | Vogons |
| Woozles | More Vogons |
| Leader of Heffalumps and Woozles | Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz |
| Christoper Robin | Bob |
| Disney Corp | Sirius Cybernetics Corp |
Chapter 1
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of eastern Sussex lies a small unregarded yellow farmhouse.
Surrounding this to an extent of roughly ninety-two acres is an utterly insignificant little forest whose fluff-stuffed life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think pooh sticks are a pretty neat idea. This forest has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people in it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.
Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small pots of hunny (or, indeed, large ones), which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small (or, indeed, large) pots of hunny that were unhappy. And so the problem remained; lots of the cuddly animals were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones playing pooh sticks.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the playroom in the first place. And some said that even the playroom had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the toy factory.
And then, one Thursday, many years after one bear had been shot and stuffed just to keep some President happy, one boy sitting on his own in a Bedroom in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and he finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get shot or stuffed or anything.
Sadly, however, before he could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.
This is not his story.
Coming soon..
Chapter 2
In which.:-
The council want to build a bypass though the Hundred Acre Wood, knock down the tree with Owl's house in and fill in Roo's sandy pit.
Featuring:
| The Jagular | Mr L Prosser |
Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.
If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.
Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.
So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.
Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First
Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
across the slope where they trip two other skiers.
Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.
Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise,
doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or
lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
dampness within to escape.
Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws:
Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.
Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
(which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"
Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree:
The other method.
Temperatures in Farenheit (in case you couldn't tell).
| 60 | Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) |
| 50 | Miami residents turn on the heat |
| 40 | You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming |
| 35 | Italian cars don't start |
| 32 | Water freezes |
| 30 | You plan your vacation to Australia Minnesotans put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start Your boogers freeze |
| 25 | Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming |
| 20 | You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South |
| 15 | French cars don't start You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you |
| 10 | Too cold to ski You need jumper cables to get the car going |
| 5 | You plan your vacation in Houston American cars don't start |
| 0 | Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate |
| -10 | German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink |
| -15 | You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist |
| -20 | Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start |
| -25 | Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going |
| -30 | You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start |
| -40 | Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your cat helps you plan your trip South |
| -50 | Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window |
| -80 | Hell freezes over Polar bears move south |
Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin. Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.
MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!
Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves.
Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. Urk tell how.
WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay.
HERE LIST:
1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge
few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by laked shaped like mammoth
few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail
Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water
Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.
(c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.
Tore up your knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already razzing you about missing the season? No problem.
One needn't actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.
NONE OF THESE ACTIVITIES IS SKIING, BUT ALL OF THEM SURE FEEL LIKE IT !!