Avoid Bad Luck
Poker Night
Cow Economies
The Bush files - Observer Special
The Best Disclaimer Ever
The Politically Correct 23rd Psalm
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
Things I've learned from television
General/Special Knowledge Quiz
Email Disclaimer
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Big Joke List
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days... In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: >snicker< Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.
...
Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: >sigh< Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: >groan<
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing...
Order: I fold...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Terry Jones (Monty Python)
Observer
Sunday February 17, 2002
To prevent terrorism by dropping bombs on Iraq is such an obvious idea that I can't think why no one has thought of it before. It's so simple. If only the UK had done something similar in Northern Ireland, we wouldn't be in the mess we are in today.
The moment the IRA blew up the Horseguards' bandstand, the Government should have declared its own War on Terrorism. It should have immediately demanded that the Irish government hand over Gerry Adams. If they refused to do so - or quibbled about needing proof of his guilt - we could have told them that this was no time for prevarication and that they must hand over not only Adams but all IRA terrorists in the Republic. If they tried to stall by claiming that it was hard to tell who were IRA terrorists and who weren't, because they don't go around wearing identity badges, we would have been free to send in the bombers.
It is well known that the best way of picking out terrorists is to fly 30,000ft above the capital city of any state that harbours them and drop bombs - preferably cluster bombs. It is conceivable that the bombing of Dublin might have provoked some sort of protest, even if just from James Joyce fans, and there is at least some likelihood of increased anti-British sentiment in what remained of the city and thus a rise in the numbers of potential terrorists. But this, in itself, would have justified the tactic of bombing them in the first place. We would have nipped them in the bud, so to speak. I hope you follow the argument.
Having bombed Dublin and, perhaps, a few IRA training bogs in Tipperary, we could not have afforded to be complacent. We would have had to turn our attention to those states which had supported and funded the IRA terrorists through all these years. The main provider of funds was, of course, the USA, and this would have posed us with a bit of a problem. Where to bomb in America? It's a big place and it's by no means certain that a small country like the UK could afford enough bombs to do the whole job. It's going to cost the US billions to bomb Iraq and a lot of that is empty countryside. America, on the other hand, provides a bewildering number of targets.
Should we have bombed Washington, where the policies were formed? Or should we have concentrated on places where Irishmen are known to lurk, like New York, Boston and Philadelphia? We could have bombed any police station and fire station in most major urban centres, secure in the knowledge that we would be taking out significant numbers of IRA sympathisers. On St Patrick's Day, we could have bombed Fifth Avenue and scored a bull's-eye.
In those American cities we couldn't afford to bomb, we could have rounded up American citizens with Irish names, put bags over their heads and flown them in chains to Guernsey or Rockall, where we could have given them food packets marked 'My Kind of Meal' and exposed them to the elements with a clear conscience.
The same goes for Australia. There are thousands of people in Sydney and Melbourne alone who have actively supported Irish republicanism by sending money and good wishes back to people in the Republic, many of whom are known to be IRA members and sympathisers. A well-placed bomb or two Down Under could have taken out the ringleaders and left the world a safer place. Of course, it goes without saying that we would also have had to bomb various parts of London such as Camden Town, Lewisham and bits of Hammersmith and we should certainly have had to obliterate, if not the whole of Liverpool, at least the Scotland Road area.
And that would be it really, as far as exterminating the IRA and its supporters. Easy. The War on Terrorism provides a solution so uncomplicated, so straightforward and so gloriously simple that it baffles me why it has taken a man with the brains of George W. Bush to think of it.
So, sock it to Iraq, George. Let's make the world a safer place.
The following is an ACTUAL copy of the first two pages inside a manual for a product called EASYFLOW. This is more like the manual disclaimers I'd like to write!
Bloodthirsty License Agreement
This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, explaining that EasyFlow is a copyrighted package, sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around pirating copies of EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of making anything out of all the hard work. For your convenience EasyFlow Is distributed on a non copy-protected diskette and you are free to do what you want with it (make backups, move from machine to machine, etc.) provided that it is never in use by more than one person at a time.
If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go around pirating copies of software, you probably aren't going to pay much attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
Honest Disclaimer
We don't claim EasyFlow is good for anything - if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. if you lose a million because EasyFlow messes up, It's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer, tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing.
This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software package but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark (see license agreement above) at which point we relented.
DON'T LOSE THE MANUAL
That's right; don't lose this manual. Especially don't lose it before you have read this page. Why are we telling you this? Isn't it obvious that you shouldn't lose the manual?
That's what we thought. Then we started getting all these calls from people saying "Hi! I'm Joe Blow and you've never heard of me, but I bought a copy of EasyFlow from FlyByNite Software and now I can't find the manual... will you send me a new one free?".
At first we were nice guys and went along with this. Then we started getting a bit more hard nosed about it; after all it is trivial to copy the disk but the manual involves somewhat more work. Now we had to agonize over each request and try to distinguish between the genuine unfortunate ("the dog chewed it up") and the merely unscrupulous looking for free software.
So what does everybody else do? We phoned the local Chevy dealer and told them we had misplaced the engine out of our new Camaro; that call didn't get us much useful information. Well ... cars aren't software. We called Borland and gave them a song and dance about losing our Turbo Pascal manual; they said to mail a letter to their "Lost Manual Review Committee". Wow! What a good idea. So we immediately rushed out and set up our Lost Manual Review Committee. The Committee meets once a month. They don't send out many replacement manuals, but they seem to do a lot of howling, rolling around on the floor and saying things like, "Oh wow - listen to this one".
Don't lose the manual.
Replacement manuals are available without going through the Committee for US$147.95 each.
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship,
and I am in a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area,
and conducts me into lateral proximity with a
non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my
psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory
progress through the non-illuminated geological
interstice of mortality,
terror sensations shall not
be manifest within me due to the proximity of
omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint
module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support
structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing
vegetable extracts,
and my beverage container
exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor
that your inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful
attributes will pursue me as their target focus for
the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential
facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time
basis.
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
By Hank Vorjes
1. HISTORY : Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present date, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social,political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
2. MEDICINE : You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work unit it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3. PUBLIC SPEAKING : 2500 riot-crazed immigrants are storming the local Citizens Advice Bureau, Clam them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.
4. BIOLOGY : Create Life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years later with special attention to its probable effects on the British Parliamentary party system. Prove your thesis.
5. MUSIC : Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. Your will find a piano under your seat.
6. SOCIOLOGY : (i) Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. (ii) Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test your theory.
7. ENGINEERING : The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual,printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
8. POLITICAL SCIENCE : There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its sociological aspects, if any.
Extra credit: For the Noble Peace Prize, stop the war before all life as we know it is ended. Provide an in depth report on how this was achieved. Do not forget to mention fluctuations in the price of pork bellies.
Extra extra credit: For the CIA's Excellence in Covert Relocation Award(sometimes referred to as the Elvis award), let the evidence that you started World War III get into the hands of whatever agencies of authority still exist. Then, disappear. (Please note, though the requirements to claim the Elvis may actually be achieved, arriving, in person, to receive it will automatically invalidate your claim. Should you be awarded the Elvis, we expect it, like you, to simply disappear without a trace.)
9. PHILOSOPHY : Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
10. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE : Define the universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.
11. PHYSICS : Describe the workings of the universe at the molecular level(see question 10). Pay particular attention to Chaos theory, and using these two answers, predict the weather in Abu Dhabi (atlas provided) for the 23rd of October, 2463.
12. CHEMISTRY : Synthesise a prostaglandin, a steroid and at least one heterocyclic compound using Phosphorous. Starting materials include a ballpoint pen, a bar of soap and a sandwich (hint - a video of McGyver is provided. Watch closely as he produces a bomb from the aforesaid items -it may give you vital clues).
13. AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE : Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
14. ANIMAL HUSBANDRY : In three minutes, a stupid gorilla with a negative I.Q. will be admitted to the room. Teach him to calculate cube roots. You may not use any form of communication.
15. ARCHITECTURE : Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the examination period. You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch tape. Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.
16. ART : Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
17. CHEMISTRY : Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have fifteen minutes.
18. COMPREHENSION : Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668.Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far,call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
19. COMPUTER SCIENCE : Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.
20. ECONOMICS : Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy,the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
21. ELECTRONICS : Build a particle accelerator. You have been provided with a wire cutter, ten feet of wire, and a piece of bubble gum.
22. EPISTEMOLOGY : Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
23. FOREIGN AFFAIRS : It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons. [ed: obviously written before 11Sep01]
24. JURIS PRUDENCE : In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup d'etat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.
25. LITERATURE : Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
26. LOGIC : Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.
27. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE : Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs. Use no words you used in question 19, for example "the", "it", "a" and "cucumber".
28. MATHEMATICS : Give today's date, in metric.
Extra credit: Prove that (0/0)=1. You are expected to show at least 234 formulas. You may only use the following variables: S=the speed of turkeys, F=the amount of snot in your nose, G=the day of the week, and T=the number of pencils in your backpack.
29. METAPHYSICS : Prove that you do not exist.
30. PHYSICS : Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
31. MODERN PHYSICS : Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.
32. There is no question 32. Discuss.
33. PSYCHOLOGY : Employing principles from the major schools of psycho-analytic thought,successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes,bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Extra credit: Translate the aforementioned works into Ancient Hebrew and provide a concordance of all their works, also in Ancient Hebrew.
Extra extra credit: Jeffrey Dahmer will be admitted to this room. He has one chainsaw and a kitchen knife. Calm him. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin. Marks will be deducted for introducing him to the 2500 calmed immigrants who stormed the local Citizens Advice Bureau.
Extra Extra Extra Credit: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
34. RELIGION : Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve,and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate this debate.
Extra credit: Memorize the entire bible backwards in Swahili. Be prepared to answer specific questions.
Extra extra credit: Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
35. XENOLOGY : Create Aliens. Provide them with a working ecosystem, technological and medical bases, culture(s), systems of entertainment/traditions/belief and communication. Document the manner in which you envision they would interact with humanity. Test your theory, paying particular attention to unforseen consequences.
36. ZOOLOGY : Use gene-splicing technology to create the ultimate carnivore. Provide an environmental impact study on this creature and estimate the chances of survival of the Human species. Be prepared with visual aids to substantiate your estimate.
NOTE: The pass mark for this exam is 885. Thank you for choosing Microsoft(R) for your testing experience. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to begin.
Cover yourself against some idiot hurting himself while reading your email, by adding this handy little disclaimer at the top:-
DISCLAIMER: This email does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, my dog, parrot, canary or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this posting freely but you may not make a profit from it; taglines are subject to change without notice; taglines are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this tagline under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; product is provided "as is" without any warranties; user assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity tagline employer; no shoes, no shirt, no taglines; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking these taglines could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; taglines are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating Fidonet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to enter; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized repair, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in the tagline list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, gerbils, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, hamsters, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.