MSFlight XP
How Our Game's Respected Figures Lure The Fairer Sex
Legally Binding Seasonal Greeting
East LA Math Proficiency Exam
AD&D Monster Manual IV - Barney
An Afghan Primer
Jerry Springer and Philosophy
History of the Full English Breakfast
A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys
Alternative Plans To Reduce Homicide
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Big Joke List
Redmond, WA - One of the most acclaimed features of the new Microsoft Windows XP release is its ability to enable users to fly without the aid of any mechanical assistance whatsoever. As the Microsoft commercials vividly display, users of XP can fly simply by spreading their arms. This is made possible by the new flight feature of Windows XP, called MSFlight. "The flight feature is something that we have been working on for some time," said Bill Gates, CSA of Microsoft. "Today's mobile executives need the ability to fly, and we feel that MSFlight's capabilities are far superior to those offered by Linux or Apple." However, as with many Microsoft releases, there have been some problems with the initial releases. Many users are saying that their flying experiences are very different from what is shown on the television commercials.
One example is Martin Feinstein, of Syosset, NY After purchasing Windows XP, he activated the flying feature and immediately levitated in his living room. "At first, it was great, just like in the commercials" he said. However, Mr. Feinstein's computer locked up after only a few minutes, sending him crashing to he ground and fracturing his right clavicle. "My computer crashed, and so did I" said Mr. Feinstein, who purchase an Apple computer the next day.
Another problem is XP's susceptibility to viruses. Janice O'Connor, of Anderson, North Carolina was ejected from her 14th floor apartment after opening an e-mail that contained a virus targeted at Windows XP. The virus, which contains a file aptly named "Flyme2th_moon.exe", initiates the MSFlight feature, adjusts the speed setting to maximum, and then shuts down the computer a few seconds later, ending the user's flight capabilities. Witnesses said that Ms. O'Connor was hurdled through her apartment's balcony plate glass window and flew approximately 200 yards at that altitude before plummeting to her death. "This certainly gives new meaning to the term 'fatal exception'", said her cousin, Rita O'Reardon, who was injured after opening the virus in an e-mail from Ms. O'Connor and being thrown against her bedroom wall. Apparently the virus uses Microsoft Outlook to e-mail copies of itself to everyone in the victim's contacts list. More than 100 people in O'Connor's contacts list were sent the virus, but only 3, who had purchased Windows XP, were injured. Local Police Chief Clem Waters said, "It is fortunate that sales of XP have been so slow, or this event could have been much worse."
Another Windows XP user flew a little too well. Amy Branston of San Francisco was last seen ascending straight up at an amazing speed, and was tracked by NASA radar moving away from the earth at over 28,000 miles per hour. According to her husband, she had just installed Windows XP, and thought that the MSFlight feature was a flight simulator game. "She turned on the MSFlight feature, and shot up like a rocket," he told BB Spot reporters. Apparently, a glitch in the Windows XP software was responsible for propelling her into outer space. Microsoft officials have commented that Windows XP is not capable of accelerating users to orbital velocity unless they have installed an unlicensed copy of the software.
NASA officials are very concerned about the potential for Microsoft to introduce its customers into an already crowded orbital space. Mr. Hal Clarke, Director of Space Junk for NASA says, "There are tens of thousands of objects already floating in earth orbit, and it is difficult enough to track them now" said Mr. Clarke. "If we're going to have hundreds or thousands of Microsoft users floating around up there, it's going to get pretty messy. It's not just the bodies we're worried about. We have calculated that collisions will produce significant fragmentation, with huge numbers of arms, legs, and other parts." NASA is already contemplating fitting its space shuttles with windshield wipers to help clean off blood and other bodily fluids from collisions with orbiting Microsoft XP users.
The FAA is also concerned about the potential for traffic problems in commercial air space. "If there are going to be thousands of Microsoft XP users flying around in the air, we're going to have a traffic control nightmare on our hands," said FAA spokesman Norman Krazowski. "They are all going to have to file flight plans, and carry anti-collision transponders and flight data recorders just like airplanes. Also, randomly-selected XP users will be selected and required to carry an undercover Air Marshall with them." Microsoft has responded to the FAA by saying that any undercover Air Marshals attached to any flying XP users will also have to purchase a licensed copy of Microsoft XP. Mr. Gates has stressed the safety of Windows XP, noting that it is far more stable than previous versions of Windows. "I can understand why people would have been hesitant to trust their lives to previous versions of Windows, but XP is far more stable, and users can feel completely secure flying at any altitude while using XP." When asked by a reporter why he chose to arrive in a limousine rather than use the flight feature of Windows XP, Mr. Gates declined to comment.
From BBSPOT
We all know that our football stars can't keep away from the ladies, but how do they go about pulling? We hung around Stringfellows to find out...
"Can you buy us a drink, pet?" - Bryan Robson
"I would have fallen in love at first sight with you. But unfortunately I'm not close enough to your position to see you properly" - Arsene Wenger
"Do you want a f***ing f**k?" - Peter Reid
"I would love it, love it, if we could make beautiful music together. You've got lovely eyes. And you make me feel great. Great, like a proud Englishman, 'earing the national anthem for the first time. I just want to get on top of you and try 'ard for me, for you and for everyone. This is a massive moment and I hope I'm big enough for the job" - Kevin Keegan
"I've never done this before. It's all so unexpected. It's just a big adventure for me and my little man. I just hope we can keep going and going. Be gentle with me. Please. I'm so innocent" - David O'Leary
"Well, you really are looking quite lovely tonight. Almost as lovely as Manchester United on that unforgettable night in Barcelona. I've never known a feeling like it" - Clive Tyldesley
"Cupid has come around my back stick, early doors, little eyebrows and poked an arrow through my heart with your name on it. Do you want to come sell me a lollypop?" - Big Ron
"Hello, Susan, I mean, Jane, No, Dave, Arsenal, Rover, Bin Laden, Debbie, Alison, Quim, No, Sarah, Victoria, Diana. Do you want to go to my place, I mean, your place, St James' Park, Buckingham Palace, the hanging gardens of Babylon, The Rose and Crown? For an ice cream, no sorry... weasel, for a lawn mower, monkey, pint? Where am I?" - Bobby Robson
"Yeah, that Liam's a pr*ck isn't he? This? A wedding ring? Oh no, no, no... it's... erm, it's a Scottish League winners' ring" - Ally McCoist
"You're pretty ugly actually and really stupid.. I never said them things. Can we have sex?" - Glenn Hoddle
SEASONAL GREETING from me ("the Wishor") to you ("the Wishee")
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The Wishor offers the Wishee on a strictly without prejudice basis, without any obligation of any kind, whether express, implied or otherwise, the Wishor's best gender-neutral non-discriminatory wishes for a socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, environmentally conscious celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practises of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the calendar year 2005, but with due respect for the calendars of other cultures and/or sects, and having due regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexuality of the said Wishee ("the Greeting"). |
In accepting the Greeting the Wishee acknowledges that he/she is bound by and subject to the following terms:
Any references, whether express or implied, in this greeting to any festive figure or figures (such as, but in no way limited to, "Father Christmas", "That Jolly Red Chap", "Elves", "Faries" or "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer") whether actual or fictitious, alive or dead, shall not imply any endorsement by or from that figure in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and/or images are hereby acknowledged.
This greeting (which shall remain without prejudice and subject to contract until accepted by the Wishee) contains the entire understanding between the Wishor and Wishee with respect to the subject matter of the Greeting and supersedes all and any prior greetings.
The Greeting is made in accordance with and will be governed by English law.
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
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Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.
Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise.Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities.
Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat.
By ERIC MARGOLIS
Contributing Foreign Editor
November 11, 2001 [Toronto SUN]
Afghanistan is very confusing. Here's a quick guide to help keep track of all the players in the crusade against terrorism.
The Taliban - VERY BAD Afghans. These dour 11th-century rustics wear turbans, don't shave and cover up their womenfolk. They have defied the U.S. by refusing to hand over guest Osama bin Laden, a national hero of the war against the Soviets. Nations that defy Uncle Sam get carpet bombed.
These wicked Talibs run a state based on Islamic law, an outrage in our modern age - except, of course, in the case of Israel, whose people say they were given their state by God, and that's GOOD, except for troublemaking local inhabitants, called Palestinians, who are terrorists and BAD. U.S. President George Bush says he draws instruction from the Bible, and this is GOOD, but when the Taliban's Mullah Omar follows the Koran, that's EVIL.
The Northern Alliance - GOOD Afghans, even though they run the opium trade and are led by war criminals. They make nice parades and vow to crush the Taliban - provided the U.S. does all the fighting. Their arms come from Russia, their money from the CIA. You can easily spot them because they wear baggy Iranian uniforms and caps, not turbans. They cover up their women, just like those insensitive Taliban brutes.
Pakistan - on Sept. 10 it was a borderline terrorist state run by a BAD military dictator, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, who backed the Taliban and had lots of EVIL Islamic friends. By Sept. 15, however, Pakistan had become a heroic ally in the crusade against terrorism. Pakistan shamelessly ditched its old ally, the Taliban, and handed over the country for use by the U.S. military. Musharraf, now GOOD, is hailed in the West for courage and vision, though 88% of his voiceless people heartily disagree. Before getting somewhat elected, President Bush couldn't even name Pakistan's leader when asked by a reporter. Now, Bush and Musharraf are new best friends.
The USA - GOOD, minding-its-own-business, totally innocent victim of evil Islamic-Nazi forces, according to the well-read Bush, a former business partner of the bin Laden family. Just because the U.S. has gone to war against Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, Libya, Iran, Sudan, Somalia and Afghanistan is no reason to believe it has anything against Muslims. Some of America's best friends - like the shah of Iran, Saddam Hussein, and the enlightened royal families of Saudi Arabia, Morocco, and the Gulf - have been Muslims.
And just because the Israelis use U.S.-made tanks and helicopters to crush the Palestinian uprising and assassinate its leaders - a GOOD act of counter-terrorism - that's no reason for anyone to get mad at the United States. Washington has even thoughtfully got the media to censor itself so Americans won't be upset by TV footage of dead Afghani children.
Russia - the big winner in this unfolding mess. Clever leader Vlad Putin hornswoggles Bush into backing Russia's barbaric repression of Chechens as "anti-terrorism." American cash flows to the Kremlin. The Russkis are pressing the U.S. to crush the Taliban, saving them the nasty, expensive job. Ditto for Israel, trying hard to get U.S. crusaders to B-52 Iraq, Lebanon, Libya, Yemen, Syria and Iran.
Saudi Arabia - main financier of extremist Islamic groups - provided they stay far away from the oil kingdom. Backed the Taliban and extremist Wahhabis in Afghanistan in a covert war against hated foe Iran. U.S. troops based in Saudi Arabia prevent its people from overthrowing their beloved royal family. The Saudis - a.k.a. "our Arabs" - used to be GOOD, but now, because of their reluctance to help kill large numbers of fellow Muslims, they are being rebranded by the U.S. media as BAD.
Iran - VERY BAD ultra-terrorists until Sept. 11. Iran has been stirring the Afghan pot for 20 years. Tehran's mullahs hate the Taliban's mullahs, and Pakistan. Being much cleverer than Arabs, whom Iranians also hate, Iran's slippery mullahs are playing footsie with the U.S., and jointly backed the GOOD Northern Alliance against the BAD Taliban. Previous U.S. claims Iran was a "rogue state," and guilty of the bombing of U.S. military bases in Saudi Arabia, have been quietly dropped. Iran is now PRETTY GOOD.
Terrorists - Last week, Tamil "terrorists" staged bloody suicide attacks in Sri Lanka; Basque "terrorists" murdered a Spanish judge and exploded a powerful car bomb in Madrid; the IRA detonated a car bomb in Britain. Not a peep came from Washington. Terrorism, in the American definition, boils down to acts of violence only against American interests.
Osama bin Laden - ULTRA BAD and still alive and frothing after a month of being a bull's eye for America's vast military might. Calls Muslims to launch a jihad against the West, when what Muslims really need is a jihad against their own rotten societies that make them a helpless prey to western political and economic exploitation. Brother Osama is increasingly seen in the Third World as a saintly figure, thanks to his demonization by the U.S. media. Many Osama wannabes are waiting in the wings.
U.S. strategy - Carpet bomb 'em back to the 4th century, waste bin Laden, and get the hell out before the BAD GUYS in turbans win.
Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show.
Todd enters from backstage.
Jerry: Hello, Todd.
Todd: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it's been nothing but fighting ever since.
Jerry: Why is that?
Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.
Crowd: Ooooohhhh!
Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we're through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn't believe I exist.
Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula!
Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.
Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!
She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.
Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!
Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don't try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative. "You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula." "Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula."
Crowd: Booo! Booo!
Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?
Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!
Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it's like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It's terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That's why we never do it any more.
Crowd: Wooooo!
Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn't decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?
Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Ursula: It's true!
Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make!
Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.
Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist, is that right?
Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.
Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...
Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him.
Crowd hushes.
Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...
Louis: I love you, too, Tina.
Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but...well, I just want to tell you I've been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don't think I can agree with your egalitarian politics
Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40's.
Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't ignore the contradiction any longer!
Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you? Didn't you?
Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!
Louis: (sobbing) I couldn't help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!
Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out...Victor!
Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.
Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!
Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!
Victor: Herd animal!
Louis: Lackey!
Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.
Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.
Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche's doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn't that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with with the fundamental principles of existentialism?Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It's a question of Becoming, not Being.
Audience member: That's just disguised essentialism! You're no existentialist!Tina: I am so!
Audience member: You're no existentialist!Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!
Ursula stands and interjects.
Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!
Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.
Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, bitch!
Tina: You the bitch!
Ursula: No, you the bitch!
Tina: Whatever! Whatever!
Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!
Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here,and say that I hope you're able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.
(turns to the camera)
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we're reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It's not pretty. If you're in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it's time to move on. Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves -- and each other.
Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer.
The Full English Breakfast has made me what I am today...
pasty-faced, wheezing, and nearly spherical...
In reality, the FEB's roots can be traced back quite a long way. In the mid-1500s, rumours started spreading about a certain "morninge-after diet" that was available in one of London's more notorious eateries. As a broadsheet of the time reported:
"When a younge Gentle Man wakes in the Morninge, with his Hed poffeffed by Demons and his Entrailes aflayme after a night of Caroufal, let him repair Poft-Hafte to Mrs. Miggins' Tea-Shoppe, where he may partake of the New Morninge Diet. Fineft Quality Meats, Breads and Egges, cooked in a New and Secret Style which involves Lots of Oile. Guaranteed Moft Efficacious againft All Forms of Fluxions, Agues, and Noxious Ale-Related Foulneffes."
And in those early days, the FEB was a wondrous thing: glistening sausages that contained real, identifiable meat: huge slabs of bacon: and so forth. However, this made it expensive, and therefore beyond the reach of the average English peasant, whose average yearly wage was two wooden coins and half a cup of brackish pondwater.
So, very quickly, inferior mass-produced copies of the original One True Breakfast began to appear. The brainchild of two shifty-eyed Scouse sheep thieves, and secretly produced in a run-down factory just outside Wolverhampton which used to make mud suppositories, these breakfasts were a pale imitation of the original. Thin, listless "bacon" was made by beating cardboard with a large iron mallet until tender, colouring it in with coloured pencils and then boiling it. "Sausages" were produced by packing lengths of old bicycle innertubes with a mixture of sawdust, mud and ground glass, to which was added a tiny piece of paper cut from a picture of some meat. And so it went on.
These new breakfasts quickly gained popularity, however, since in order to afford one the common peasant-about-town only had to sell one large child and one small one. Within a fairly short period, as English history goes - a couple of centuries - the English Breakfast had become embedded in the national consciousness. (It is only allowed the honoured prefix "Full" if the person who prepared it can prove, beyond all doubt, that they have never seen, eaten, or been within 200 yards of porridge.) As with all things that the English take to their hearts, any number of skirmishes, punch-ups, sundry random beatings and one small war that no-one talks about much can be attributed to what the Englishman regards as his God-given right to consume something huge and fried before 9am.
Nowadays, of course, people are far more health-conscious than before. Any number of Englishmen have been told by their doctors to cut down on their intake of FEBs, to which they conscientiously responded (after careful consideration) by removing one grilled tomato and up to ten baked beans from their plates. (And then changing their doctor until they get one that they like: preferably huge, baleful, and slightly mad, who can snap pound coins between his fingers. There is an increasing shift towards so-called "organic" breakfasts, which contain meat products from happy, smiling animals without a care in the world who have grazed their entire life in fields that have never seen a pesticide (but which happen to be situated two miles downwind from a nuclear power station, on the site of an old paint factory.)
Finally of course there are those who insist that the FEB is an unhealthy anachronism: of course, England shall rise up against them with pitchforks and brands of fire, and sweep them into the sea.
372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:
The Quarantine Plan
A large percentage of homicides, other violent acts, and other anti-social behavior are committed by young males. The victims are also disproportionately young males. We propose to lock up all males between the ages of 15 and 25, thereby preventing them from committing homicide or becoming victims.
The Competitive Mortality Plan
It is a basic rule of epidemiology that each person can only die once. We propose to decrease homicide by increasing other causes of death.
An extremely effective way to do this would be to take strong actions to increase infant mortality. Every moment that a person lives increases his or her chances of dying by homicide. All publicly funded prenatal care, immunizations, WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) programs, and other public health initiatives would be ended immediately. We will take the money that had been allocated to these programs plus the $1 million we are requesting today to fund an aggressive multi-disciplinary, multi-media, community-based, otherwise-hyphenated campaign to combat similar private initiatives and carry out the rest of our program.
Since a reasonable number of children have always lived beyond infancy, we will also have to take steps to increase mortality rates in older populations. Actions which we would consider include contamination of the water and food supplies, tobacco and alcohol subsidies, taxes on health clubs, increased speed limits, and distribution of banana peels on sidewalks and stairways.
The One Man March Plan
We believe that given $1 million, we can all but guarantee that Mr. Charles Randall of Chicago will not be murdered, thereby reducing homicide. We plan to take him to the Bahamas and personally keep an eye on him to make sure he is ok. A significant advantage of this plan is the easy evaluation component. We will periodically walk over to Mr. Randall and say "How you doin' Chuck? Still alive?"
Jon Levy