A WarningHow Television WorksYour PoliticsBill Gates Calls The Belgian PoliceBackward Christian SoldiersDIY - Tool DefinitionsIntercave MemoHaynes Manual into EnglishWar On Terror - The PlayersWar On Terror Drinking Game
A Warning
How Television Works
Your Politics
Bill Gates Calls The Belgian Police
Backward Christian Soldiers
DIY - Tool Definitions
Intercave Memo
Haynes Manual into English
War On Terror - The Players
War On Terror Drinking Game
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Big Joke List
Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused.
So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me:
"I can never repay your kindness, sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was sh*t and the dessert selection extremely limited."
Taking 'Survivor' as an example....
Each week, ordinary people face a series of gruelling, unappealing, and gut-wrenching challenges, until finally they are whittled down to a single viewer.
Which statement best describes your political beliefs?
How did you score?
If you answered [A] - you are a Liberal
If you answered [B] - you are a Libertarian
If you answered [C] - you are a Libertine
If you answered [D] - you are a Librarian
If you answered [E] - you are a Libra
If you answered [F] - you are Liberace
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it
looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the
problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of
the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels
Police Department.
You can get a copy of the movie of Bill Gates getting a pie in the face from those Belgian anarchists here.
Backward, Christian soldiers,
Backward from my door.
Take your sales pitch elsewhere,
Trouble me no more.
Christ and Hare Krishna,
Also Joseph Smith--
These are merely archetypes
From the realm of myth.
CHORUS
Backward, Christian soldiers,
Backward from my door.
Take your sales pitch elsewhere,
Trouble me no more.
Come no more with leaflets
In your outstretched mitt:
Biblical quotations
Neatly trimmed to fit.
Nineteen fourteen was the date
Everything would end.
Now with every passing decade
See the schedule bend.
CHORUS
Tell me, Christian soldier,
Do they pay you well?
Serving God and Mammon,
Saving us from hell?
Do they buy your raincoats?
Do they pay your fare?
Do they buy you fancy cars
To get you here from there?
CHORUS
"Talk about the Bible"?
Oh indeed, let's do.
Many things confuse me:
Do they bug you too?
If the children mock me
For my lack of hairs,
Should I, like Elijah, have them
Eaten up by bears?
CHORUS
When the mob confronts me,
Thus I save my head:
"Here are my young daughters,
Gangbang them instead."
If my foe commands me,
"Tote my bags one mile,"
Two miles should I carry them?
Would that make him smile?
CHORUS
Maybe I've been hasty.
Won't you come inside?
Step around the circle.
'Scuse my naked hide.
Make yourselves quite comfy.
Have a cup of tea:
If it makes you sleepy,
Close your eyes, feel free.
CHORUS
Valiant Christian soldiers,
Stalwarts who believe,
What a double sacrifice
For our Hallows Eve!
By Zander Nyrond
Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanics knife
Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons; works particularly well on boxes containing newly trimmed seats and other expensive soft furnishings.
Electric drill
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but works better when drilling holes in floor pans, particularly above fuel tanks.
Hacksaw
One of a family of tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.
Pliers
Used to round off bolt heads and when nothing else is available, excellent for transferring intense welding heat to the palm of your hand
Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in the garage or vehicle no matter how much care you took to remove everything beforehand.
Drill press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the garage, splattering it all over that freshly painted part.
Rotary Wire wheel
Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under the bench at the speed of light. Also removes flesh in about the time it takes to shout, "Ouc...."
Bolt & Stud extractor
A tool that snaps off in engine blocks and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Body filler spatula
Theoretically a useful kitchen tool for spreading mayonnaise in sandwiches which seems to end up spreading filler, but mainly useful for scraping doggy poo off your boots.
Timing light
A stroboscopic instrument excellent for illuminating oil and grease build up.
Hydraulic Engine hoist
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps, wiring and throttle linkages.
12" Long Screwdriver
A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery Electrolyte Tester
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery across the bodywork into the toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Inspection Light
The mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of Vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin not otherwise found when working under Jaguars. Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate as 105mm howitzer shells in the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab lids of old oil cans and splash oil all over your shirt, but also to round off Phillips screw heads.
I N T E R C A V E M E M O
| From: | Bin Laden, Osama |
| Sent: | Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM |
| To: | Cavemates |
| Subject: | The Cave |
........................................................................
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that.
Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: Food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots.
Osama
Haynes: "This is a snug fit"
Translation: "Beat repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Rotate anticlockwise"
Translation: "Clamp with molegrips, beat handle repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Pry"
Translation: "Hammer screwdriver into"
Haynes: "Undo"
Translation: "Locate aged can of WD40. Hammer can to increase pressure.
Squirt everywhere"
Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the f*ck was that? It nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: "Apply moderate heat"
Translation: "Placing your mouth near it and huffing is not moderate heat"
Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove lamp"
Translation: "Smash glass. Dig out bayonet with pliers"
Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Haynes: "Lightly"
Translation: "Start off gently, build up pressure until veins are
standing proud of your forehead. Reread the manual because what you are
doing can in no way be described as 'lightly'"
Haynes: "Weekly checks"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it"
Haynes: "Routine maintenance"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, it sure as hell is about to be"
Haynes: "Compress"
Translation: "Squeeze with all your might, club with wrench, jump upon,
back car over, throw at garage wall, then search for battered component in
darkest corner of garage while cussing repeatedly under breath"
Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you are
looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"
Haynes: "Retaining nut"
Translation: "The hexagonal metal block you just shaved irreparably with
an imperial size spanner"
Haynes: "Using a suitable drift"
Translation: "A paving slab will suffice"
Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know"
Haynes: "Turning the engine will be much easier with the plugs removed"
Translation: "Turning the engine will be much harder, and will probably be
accompanied by some distressing noises you've never heard before. Once
that panicky, clenched feeling in your stomach has subsided, continue as
if everything is fine"
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"
Haynes: "Prise away plastic locating pegs"
Translation: "Bend back and forth repeatedly until it snaps"
Haynes: "Everyday toolkit"
Translation: "Ensure you have your RAC membership card handy and have
charged your mobile phone"
If you have been finding the War on Terrorism a bit hard to follow, then think of the countries as English football teams:-
Major Players
USA: Man Utd - Utterly arrogant and motivated by greed. If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole world hears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary, most see him as bit of a Tyrant.
Al Qaeda: Leeds - Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play. Capable of upsetting just about anyone. Leader is a paranoid nutter.
UK: Aston Villa - Trying to move forward having been stuck in the past for decades. Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice, full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.
France: Arsenal - Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but heavily criticized in the past for misfiring. More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone. Leader has a habit of turning a blind eye.
Pakistan: Chelsea - Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a large percentage of its supporter base through its over involvement with foreigners. Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.
The Taliban: Liverpool - Strict disciplinarians where members are measured as much by what they wear and do as who they are. Leadership suffered a bit of a shock recently but clinging to life and always hard to beat at home. Very much a bloke's team.
India: Sunderland (Mackems) - A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think it's opinion is worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.
The Northern Alliance: West Ham - An undisciplined rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.
Israel: Tottenham - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and usually only become vocal when they start winning. See themselves as the chosen few but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense of self. Local transport can be a bit dodgy.
Palestine: Fulham - A team currently looking for a home, had been on the periphery for many years before the mid 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong youth policy. Funded by rich Arabs.
Japan: Everton - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big player financially in the 1980s, however struggling a bit these days.
Iraq: Millwall - Serious hard arses who could be on the way back. Opponents prefer to see them out of the Premiership. Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don't care.
Russia: Newcastle - Once a great superpower, recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.
Uzbekistan: Leicester - Stuck in the middle. Light on ammunition.
Germany: Wolves - Tendency to self destruct. A strong history but off the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.
Australia: Southampton - Completely harmless. Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters are loyal but regularly embarrassed.
Egypt: Derby - Had a crack at world dominance and though the remnants are still there they hark back to the glory days. A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.
Please note that no country can be associated with Middlesborough. The closest thing was Lebanon but apparently certain parts of war torn Beirut are bordering on pleasant.
Minor Players
Belorussia: Carlisle United - Ruled by a madcap dictator, has abundant recourses and could develop if it wasn't for said madcap. Radiation blights a large area after a nuclear incident
Turkey: Leyton Orient - Once, albeit briefly, a powerful empire, has fallen sharply in status. Stuck between the first and third worlds, acts more as a cultural barrier than a bridge. Famous for its tolerance of its varied ethnicity, whilst maintaining a North-South bigotry. Changed its name in the 1920's. Streets full of kebab vendors and 1970's Ford Cortinas.
Turkmenistan: Forest Green Rovers - You've vaguely heard of it, but wouldn't have a clue how to get there. You don't know anyone who's been there either.
New Zealand: Halifax Town - Rooted in the 1950s; sheep outnumber people by a ratio of 25:1; nice scenery.
China: Rotherham United - Recent good performance will almost certainly be followed by a collapse in form - Mainly because no-one likes them. The fact that the locals like mutilating young girls is overshadowed by their massive support & potential.
Yugoslavia: Rushden & Diamonds - Country manufactured using a rudimentary cut-and-paste procedure; held together by Tito Griggs, but likely to collapse soon.
Nepal (Katmandu): Hartlepool United - Smog laden, monkeys hanging around all over the place. Always the poor boys propping up the rest.
No countries could be associated with Burnley or Preston. The closest was Chechnya, but apparently certain parts of war torn Grozny are bordering on bearable.
The winner is the last person able to stand on one leg, salute,
and shout "God Bless America!" without falling over. Anyone who
fails this is disqualified.
This test is called the GBA test.
All shots, unless otherwise stated will be vodka.
The order of channel-hopping is CBS, NBC, CNN, FOX. At each commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.
If you hear someone on TV say "anthrax" take a swig of beer and change the channel.
Whenever "Usama Bin Laden" is mentioned everyone must shout "Satan!". The last person to shout takes a shot of red wine and a dry biscuit.
Whenever "Al-Quaeda" is mentioned everyone must shout "Terrorists!". The last person to shout takes a shot.
Whenever someone says "nine-eleven" (NOT September eleven) everyone must hold an imaginary telephone to their ear and shout "fire!". The last person to shout takes a shot.
If a plane crash is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first person to breathe must take a shot of whisky every 5 minutes until live pictures of fire engines are broadcast.
If someone says "somewhere in southern Afghanistan" everyone must shout "Kandahar." The last person takes a shot and must forgo the next "anthrax."
If someone says "an airstrip in northern Afghanistan" everyone must shout "Bagram". The last person takes a shot and must forgo the next "anthrax" unless they shout "Kunduz" before they are called on the error.
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it.
Whenever someone says "friendly fire", all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "anthrax."
Every time President Bush is seen everyone must do the
GBA test.
The last person to do this (unless disqualified) must take 2 shots of tequilla.
Whenever someone says "God Bless America" everyone must do the
GBA test.
The last person to do this (unless disqualified) must take 2 shots of tequilla.