Ten Proposed New Laws for This Crisis
And Lo It Was Written
Never Surrender - Spam International
Great PowerPoint Presentations from Shakespeare
War on Terror: Bush's Statement in full
Jihad
Letter from the Queen
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Taliban TV
Al Qaeda to cut at least 5,000 jobs
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Here's something you can try for yourself....
In MS Word, using a large font size, write NYC (as in New York City) three times.
Change the second NYC to use WEBDINGS font.
Change the third NYC to use WINGDINGS font.
Here are the results:-
|
NYC in Webdings font |
|
NYC in Wingdings font |
My fellow Americans, while September 11th was indeed a dark day, we must not let the tragic events unfolding before us sway us from our primary purpose. As the head of Spam International, I assure you that we will NOT allow these fiends to prevent you from learning how to MAKE MONEY FAST, from knowing about opportunities for penis enlargement, from seeing jumbles of Chinese, Japanese, etc. characters, or from receiving important notices about how to receive payment from Microsoft by forwarding this email. And under absolutely no circumstances will we allow them to prevent your being able to view nude, chat with, watch masturbate, or otherwise enjoy at a distance hot, wet, horny, barely legal, teen, asian, american, dutch, amateur, professional, well-hung, all nude, et al sluts, whores, models, women, girls, chicks, studs, sailors, men, boys, misc. animals, salads, etc.
Even though large tracts of the Internet and many old and famous sites may have fallen into the grip of the unknown terrorists and all the odious apparatus of their rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall spam in France, we shall spam on the seas and oceans, we shall spam with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall spam the Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall spam on the beaches, we shall spam on the landing grounds, we shall spam in the fields and in the streets, we shall spam in the hills; we shall never surrender.
+------------------------------------+ | | | QUALITY APPRAISAL | | | | * THEE: | | + LOVELY | | + TEMPERATE | | | | * SUMMER'S DAY: | | | | < > | +------------------------------------+
"And we see in this next slide that in a quality appraisal between "thee" and "a summer's day", the former proves to be rating higher in both the 'Lovely' and 'Temperate' sub-catagories.
+------------------------------------+ | | | PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL | | | | * DARLING BUDS OF MAY | | - ROUGH WIND | | - SUMMER'S LEASE | | | | | | | | < > | +------------------------------------+
However the following slide shows that the performance of the darling buds of May has been shaken by an unforeseen 'rough wind' factor, and that the time resources required by summer's lease were significantly underestimated."
Moving on....
+------------------------------------+ | | | THE QUESTION | | | | | | | | * BE | | * NOT BE | | | | | | < > | +------------------------------------+
Let's examine these points one at a time.
+------------------------------------+ | | | TO BE | | * UPSIDE: | | + BEING | | + NOBLER IN MIND? | | * DOWNSIDE: | | + OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE | | - SLINGS | | - ARROWS | | < > | +------------------------------------+
Um, if there are any questions, feel free to shout them out.
+------------------------------------+ | | | NOT TO BE | | * UPSIDE: | | + SEA OF TROUBLES-- ENDED | | + DIE --> SLEEP | | - END HEARTACHE | | - END 1000 NATURAL SHOCKS | | * THE RUB : | | + SLEEP: PERCHANCE DREAM? | | < > | +------------------------------------+
I'm sorry, I see that John is signalling that we're out of time. If you come up to the lectern I can give you a printout of my slides.
Am I safe yet? Oh, is the mic on?
Fellow Americans, I pledge to bravely stand tall against international terrorism, several hundred feet underground in a sealed nuclear bunker.
The American government would never murder innocent civilians. Well, not in the United States anyway. Unless they were on Death Row in Texas and I refused to grant them clemency. Hardly any of them were innocent, so that doesn't count.
Neither will the United States stand for state-sponsored terrorism abroad. Unless it's by Israel. Gee, do you think that was one of the reasons we were attacked?
Anyway, I pledge action. I pledge revenge. I pledge we'll kill more people than they did. Hopefully, we'll include the people responsible, but even if we don't, it'll send a clear message to the world about what sort of people we are.
But first of all we will be attacking the people who trained the terrorists. Watch out Bill Gates! There's no way any Arabs could have learnt to fly a real plane -- they must have used Flight Sim.
Since we may be looking at a rerun of the Crusades, would it be a good idea to ask the monarch and family to personally head the expeditionary force as good King Richard was popularly beleived to have done ?
I think it would do wonders for morale, and certainly the sight of Prince Chuck riding against the Saracens, swinging his polo stick, Prince Andrew swinging his dick, Prince Edward swinging and the QM pissing wildy on the ungodly hordes would be a fine and uplifting picture for me to take to my maker.
Dear Mr. Bin Laden,
We understand that you are desirous of burning Washington, particularly the White House.
Our organisation has more experience of this than any other, and our attacks on the United States have included the use of ballistic missiles launched from warships. If you want the skies over America filled with fire, we are the experts.
Should you wish to avail yourself of our services, please discreetly present yourself at the Traitors' Gate of Her Majesty's Tower of London, where you will be received by our experienced staff, with all the honour due to a person of your stature in the world. As a courtesy you will be given a short guided tour, and be introduced to the Chaplain and the Governor of the Tower, before being sent onward.
I understand that Tower Green can be very pleasant at this time of year.
Yours, in anticipation,
Elizabeth R
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Snickers, The Official snack of World War III
6.00 Gee-Had TV.
Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair
a stinger missile launcher. La-La & Po show how to grow Anthrax.
9.00 Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack
by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of
everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan.
The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife.
Xena stays at home and does
some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese
rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle
top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah
Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
16.00 Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political
and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for
unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th
week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.
Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the
Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover
to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed
this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of
the infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel
the Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques.
The filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at
anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
2.00 A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.
KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors.
The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio.
"This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenge by getting both leaner AND meaner."
"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our network's very survival depends on dramatic change to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels."
The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq.
Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed.
Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).
Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. Pakistan, which oversees Al Qaeda and its subsidiary Taliban organization, is the world's largest country with a pre-medieval culture and justice system. The country's latest quarterly report said the different units of the Al Qaeda/Taliban organization, including the madrassas (schools Pakistan has been running for twenty years to turn ordinary children into suicidal holy warriors) had at total of 30,000 employees, meaning the cut represents a 16 percent reduction in staff.
Al Qaeda is the latest in a string of Islamic terror network layoff announcements, pushing the total of announced cuts in the last five days to 10,000.
Referring to massive U.S. troop movements involving three carrier groups in the Mediterranean and Arabian Sea, worried Afghani ulemas in testimony during the emergency sharia council in Khandahar on Thursday told their spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar that the number is likely to cross the 20,000 threshold in the coming days, through attrition, with none of the expected openings slated to be refilled.
OIC (Organization of the Islamic Conference) and bin Laden are considering spending billions on emergency aid to the industry, distributed through a vast network of corrupt Saudi emirs, international prostitution rings and drug smugglers. The current exchange rate is approximately 100,000 afghanis to the dollar.
The PLO announced Tuesday it will reduce its workforce by 200 to 300 sleeper agents worldwide by end of 2002 at its commercial bus bombing division and restaurant theater operations.
Joe Knapp <jmk@copperas.com>