Ford Competition
Income Tax Form Designer Exam
Brass Eye Paedophile News Coverage
Chain Email 1
Clutch Talk
Christ's Biography
Disclaimer To Be Used When Purchasing Software
Latest Blockbuster from Hollywood (Five-one)
At least I'm not Hitler
Action Upon Encountering A Snake - The Differential Theory
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
DAGENHAM - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1996, Ford unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest on Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 2001 cars.
"Car accidents have never been so exciting," said Ford vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2001 sales significantly. "When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the FA Cup Final in Cardiff, or a year's worth of free Esso Unleaded."
Though it does not officially begin until Feb. 1, 2001, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said Cambridge's Bernard Freeman, who lost his wife but won £50 on Sunday when the Escort Si they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Plymouth resident Peter Noods, speaking from his hospital bed, where he is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Cup Final tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!"
Noods said that as soon as he is well enough, he plans to buy a new Mondeo LX and drive it into a tree.
Ford officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car crashes, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," Ford CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new Ford car or Iveco truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand new 2001 Ford Focus Cosworth, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000 - the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Galaxy," said Cardiff resident Dick Yaknasty. "My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 2001 Mondeo, won a £100 gift certificate. That's just wrong."
Qualifying Examination
Income Tax Form Designer
Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.
1. HISTORY
Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
2. MEDICINE
You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have fifteen minutes.
3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
2500 riot-crazed aborigines will be turned loose in the classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on our next election. Show who would have been our next President and why.
5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.
8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiner.
9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on the wave theory of light and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.
11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
Pick up the phone on the desk beside you and start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
12. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.
13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of other kinds of thought.
15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.
16. EXTRA CREDIT
Define the universe. Give three examples.
Monday, July 30th 2001
In the Brass Eye TV programme, Chris Morris has used biting satire to parody the hysterical way in which the British media covers the subject of paedophilia, which has in the past lead to angry mobs walking the streets enforcing mob law.
The usual suspects; Daily Mail, News Of The World, but now also the NSPCC charity and even Tessa Jowell, the UK Culture Secretary are reacting angrily, if not hysterically, over the show.
Just to underline the gross hypocrisy of the British tabloid press, click here to see what the Daily Star had to say about the Brass Eye programme, and note the article to the left, about the 15 year old Charlotte Church, titled 'She's a Big Girl Now'.
Brass Eye: highlights of the show
The HOECS (pronounced HOAX) internet game sequence
A stream of celebrities and politicians were persuaded to rail against an internet game featuring a cartoon dog supposedly used by paedophiles to attract children.
Media guilty of fanning the flames?
Throughout the programme spoof news bulletins from Chris Morris as anchor Ted Maul reported on a bloodthirsty crowd rioting outside a prison where a paedophile was being held. The crowd eventually capture the offender and burn him in a 25ft wicker phallus.
Feb 4th 2002
The show has also been nominated for best comedy production of
last year at the annual South Bank Awards, according to
this article.
I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. (Don't cry, Mommy!) Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore.
The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me.
You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that, if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell. What kind of goddamned person are you that you can't take five f***ing minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy but he ate my leaves.
Thank You.
The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.
Announcer: Good Evening, and welcome to Clutch Talk, the TV talk show devoted exclusively to discussion of the issues and turmoil surrounding today's automotive transmissions. And here's your host, Gerry Grinder.
(Applause)
Gerry: Thank you. Thank you. No, please, thank you. Our first guest today is Frederick Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe, last year's winner of the coveted Flywheel award for excellence in automotive maintenance discussion. Welcome to the show, Fred.
Fred: Glad to be here Gerry. Always happy to discuss automotive maintenance.
(laughter)
Gerry: Well, actually, we only discuss transmissions on the show, and not much maintenance of them, as such.
Fred: Oh. Well, I do know a thing or two about transmissions, as it turns out.
Gerry: Fascinating! So how do you stand on the whole "stick versus automatic" question, if I may be so bold?
Fred: Well, it depends, of course, upon what sort of driver you are talking abou...
(Gasps and mutters in the audience)
Fred: ab..about. You see, I think very highly of the stick-shift transmission.
(scattered applause)
Fred: But for some people, the stick can be, shall we say, rather confusing.
(More muttering)
Gerry: So, you mean to say, that there is a place in the world, albeit
limited, for the
(Gasps. One woman faints)
Fred: Well, certainly. Notwithstanding the, um, obvious merits and superiority of the stick, it does involve the use of that third footpad, which many people mistakenly call the clutch, but which is indeed correctly referred to as the clutch PEDAL, inasmuch as it is simply a pedal one depresses in order to disengage the clutch mechanism.
(Silence in the audience)
Gerry: Surely you mean "engage" rather than disengage, Mr. Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe.
Fred: I don't take your meaning.
(Laughter)
Gerry: One depresses the clutch pedal in order to ENGAGE the clutch mechanism, not to DISengage it.
Fred: No no no, not at all. When one depresses the clutch pedal with one's foot, that action operates a linkage, which thereby...
(Louder Laughter)
Fred: wh...whi...which thereby...Alright then, suppose you describe the functionality of the clutch mechanism. I suppose you're an expert, Gerry, this being "Clutch Talk" and all that?
Gerry: No no, that's quite alright (rolls eyes). Please, do go on with your discourse.
(Laughter)
Fred: Right. So the clutch pedal operates a linkage which engages a mechanism...
Gerry: But you said before that it DISengages the mechanism.
Fred: Well perhaps you misheard me. It surely engages a mechanism.
Gerry: And?
Fred: And that mechanism operates the clutch.
Gerry: Well said!
(Applause)
Fred: Thank you. Now as it turns out, the clutch then provides the...
Gerry (interupting): Fred, you were saying earlier that you like the automatic. Could you elucidate upon that point?
Fred: Well I didn't actually say I LIKED it, just that it has its place in the scheme of things, due to the potential confusing nature of the stick, which I daresay we have discovered today in our discussion of the clutch pedal.
Gerry: I don't think it's confusing a damn bit, if I dare say so.
(Cheers from the audience)
Fred: Well certainly the necessity of simultaneously depressing the clutch pedal whilst selecting a gear can be confusing to some people, else why would the automatic transmission ever have become invented?
(BOOOOOOO)
Gerry: Indeed. Why, why indeed. Well I'll tell you. It is a conspiracy between the automobile mechanics and the politicians and the oil companies to make us use less efficient technology that breaks more often, uses more gasoline, and costs more, thereby resulting in more taxes. All this rubbish about the stick being confusing is just so much rubbish.
(Uproarious cheers)
Fred: Well what of people who are unable to walk and chew gum at the same time?
(Scattered laughter)
Gerry: Oh for heaven's sake! As if such people should be allowed to drive in the first place.
(Standing ovation)
Fred: Goodness! Well, I suppose you have a point there. Perhaps I...
Gerry: Well that's all the time we have today. Tune in next week when my guest will be Miss Monica Lewinsky, who claims to have some knowledge of the clutch, and the stick. We shall see.
(Applause. Closing credits.)
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
Date :- 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority. However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Universal Pictures announced today they plan to make a film of the momentous football match that took place on Saturday 1st September 2001, in Munich.
"Five-One" is the tentative title of what could be next year's big summer hit, depicting the American national soccer team's stunning victory over Germany.
Nicholas Cage heads an all star cast as the captain of the brave US Soccer team haunted by the trauma of losing in the 2000 World Cup final on penalties and the death of his wife in a riot caused by English football hooligans, and finds love in the arms of a female sports journalist played by Julia Roberts.
Mel Gibson is the no-nonsense Swedish coach who leads them to glory, with Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Will Smith playing some of Cage's heroic team mates. Jeremy Irons is set to star as Sir Nigel Villiers-Smythe, the dastardly Englishman who coaches the German team and forces them to play with poisoned-tipped studs to try and cheat the heroic American team out of victory.
Director Steven Spielberg defended the film-makers' decision to focus on the American contribution to the victory over Germany, and inaccurate and even imagined events in the story, saying,
"Obviously we've had to take some artistic licence to make the story work on film, but I hope that what we produce will be true to the spirit of what happened on that famous night."
When having a discussion as relates to general morality, it is a given that Joe Average will eventually conclude that he is, on the whole, a good individual since, in his words, "I'm not Hitler." Of course the proper response to this is that you're not Hitler doesn't make you good, it just means you're not in complete control of an industrialized nation in Central Europe. There are evil people all over the place, but most of them are rarely recognized as such since they don't have opportunities like Hitler. Let's face it, "Evil Librarian" does not have the same ring to it as "Evil Dictator." But let's change things a little and see how certain well-known evil individuals would act out their evil in a different millieu. For example:
Hitler the greengrocer.
Insists on expanding the fruits and vegetables section into the baked goods and frozen foods section. Brutally orders the elimination of all deli meats from the rows he controls and institutes a policy of removing all non-organic foods.
Kim Il Sung the librarian.
Refuses to order any new books, insisting that the books they have are all the books they need and he will not show weakness by depending on others for books. Keeps a brave face as all the bindings start to fall apart. Threatens the university library across the street by firing paperclips from elastic bands.
Idi Amin the cab driver.
Boasts on what a great taxi driver he is while continually smashing the cab into every object within sight. Humiliated when he tries to hide a crook in his car, the crook getting snatched out the window by a Jewish cop. Eventually leaves his cab, after ripping out every fitting he could lay his hands on, to live a comfortable life.
Saddam Hussein the busboy.
Stamps his feet, claiming that the other busboys are ripping off his tips. Keeps getting smacked up the side of the head by irate customers and claims he showed them.
Pol Pot the dentist.
Finds a small bit of plaque on one bicuspid, proceeds to remove a third of the remaining teeth.
Andrew Chaplin