Parody and Satire

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of George Bush.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

___	(a)	build a bridge
___	(b)	sail the ocean
___	(c)	lead an army or
___	(d)	WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?

___	(a)	Jewish
___	(b)	Catholic
___	(c)	Hindu
___	(d)	Polish
___	(e)	Agnostic

(check only one)

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

8. What are people in America's far north called?

___	(a)	Westerners
___	(b)	Southerners
___	(c)	Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?

___	(a)	Macy's
___	(b)	a 7-11
___	(c)	Canada
___	(d)	the sky

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

___	(a)	New York
___	(b)	Florida
___	(c)	Canada
___	(d)	Wisconsin

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

___	(a)	B.C.
___	(b)	A.D.

Catching Rabbits

The SAS, the Army and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. they emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer Next up are the Army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!" So back they go.

Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit!"

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART. This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING. This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH. This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF. You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE. This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

The seven stages of a Usenet poster

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP -- HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-) <-- MY FIRST SMILEY; DO YOU HAVE INTERESTING ONES? PLEASE POST SOME; I THINK THAT THEIR COOL. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BIZARRE DEAD BABY JOKES?

Wow! This stuff is great! But one thing I've noticed is that everytime someone tries to tell a dead baby jokes, everyone says that they don't want to hear them. This really sucks; there are a lot of us who *like* dead baby jokes. Therefore, I propose that we create the newsgroup:

specifically for those of us who like these jokes. Can anyone tell me how to create a newsgroup?

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene Spafford _a clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it *must* be a baby -- capeesh?

This person is clearly scum -- they're even hiding behind a pseudonym. I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are obviously in on it -- I will urge that their feeds cut them off post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#!T over the net.

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:
> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?
> ^L
> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? We've heard this joke *at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group. Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You people are dull as dishwater. I give up; I'm unsubscribing, as of now. You can have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:
>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:
>>How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?
>>With a Cuisinart!
>
> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically
> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with
> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When you've been around as long as I have, you'll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net. Look at it this way: at least they haven't overwhelmed us yet. Most of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and interesting. We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk until they understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but we should bear with them if they don't. Keep your cool, and don't let it bug you.

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.
>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they
>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you
>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have
>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude
>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.
>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we
>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having
>>> the volume, you TURD?
>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply
>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,
>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens
>> in r.h.d.b. We haven't heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that
>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.
> That doesn't even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it. There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be created.

People like this really burn me. Doesn't he realize that it will just take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly, rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, they'll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic. Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the world will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want, Cluck? To bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system works, and we shouldn't push at it, lest it break.

Well, they've just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My, how things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I first joined this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups under the humorous banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. I'm amazed at how things have split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups in your sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the good old days, when we could read about it all in one place...

Sartre's cooking diary

The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook
by Marty Smith, Portland OR
from Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper),
Republished in the Utne Reader Nov./Dec. 1993

We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavour forever." The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3 - Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4 - Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

October 6 - I have realised that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

October 10 - I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:

Instructions: Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.

While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.

October 25 - I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

November 15 - Today I made a Black Forest gateau out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word gateau. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but would not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30 - Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker's wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favourite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.

December 1 - I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

TV Network Programmer's Adventure Book

Warranty Card On Purchased Government Official[tm]

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
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__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.

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__ Performance of currently owned model.
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Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

Alcatel and Lucent

>From: Bill Spilingup, Corporate Relations, Lucent Technologies
>To: Nortel (NYSE: NT - news); Alcatel
>Cc: AT&T (NYSE: T - news)

Dear Sirs,

You'll remember us from the former competition we used to offer you in the networking market. Said competition having disappeared because of changing marketplace realities, we were wondering if any of you might be interesting in creating a synergistic partnership of equals based on an integrated solutions platform of services....

Aw, heck, let's cut to the chase. It's not looking good over here. Does anyone want to buy us? AT&T, we know about the spin-off and all, but there's still time to reconsider at substantially the same price.

Please reply with serious offers -- not to say that they have to exceed our share price, but you have to mean it.

Thank you,
Bill Spilingup
Corporate Relations

>From: Pepe Le Chance, Corporate Liaison, Alcatel
>To: Bill Spilingup

Cher Colleague,

It is with the interest that I read your email. While we are having the difficulties also, we have not -- how do you Americans say? -- screwed up as badly as have you. The ease with which you have parleyed a $230 billion company into a $28 billion farce is formidable. On the other hand, we've taken Alcatel from a bloated behemoth involved in a ludicrously wide range of industries to a focused, disciplined company whose shares have risen 80% since January 1, 1999. Our CEO is trés fond of fixing broken companies.

Donc, we are able at this time to make an offer for your company, under the right conditions. The main one, naturellement, is that we not pay any more for Lucent than any but the very oldest shareholders paid. Actuelly, we find the current share price to be like mousse chocolat at an imitation French restaurant -- too rich for the discerning palate. We would propose a price slightly lower, in the region of $7 per share, and complete abolition of your management and board.

Respondez, s'il vous plait, at your earliest convenience.

Votre,
Pepe

>From: Bill
>To: Pepe

Dear Pepe,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your warm, encouraging letter. We at Lucent would love the opportunity to work with your fine organization. First, we think that the potential business synergies are substantial. Second, we relish the thought of engaging in negotiations while dining on frogs' legs and brioche. Our CEO is a Francophile from way back.

The price you quote is perfectly acceptable to the board. We've repriced all our options below the stated level, so there's no problem there. As to the other so-called "shareholders" of the company, well, most of them are old grannies, who got the stock as a spin-off from AT&T. They've never had a clue.

With regard to the board and management, however, we had a different proposal in mind. Like in any separation, as I'm sure you in France agree, it's important that all parties be able to maintain the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. In that spirit, we expect all members of our board be transferred to Alcatel's board. You'll be happy to know that we've already chosen a beautiful chalet in the French Alps, where the board can meet during ski season. In the spirit of égalité, we'll leave the summer retreat to your discretion.

Also, Lucent's upper management will need accommodation in the joint business. We feel that we've earned top positions at Alcatel, considering the outstanding work we've done creating value for Lucent's insiders. In addition, since we're American and you're French, and therefore nobody likes you, we will add much needed credibility to your company. I look forward to receiving a detailed executive compensation package.

So that you might not object to our requests for managerial and board compensation, we'll reduce the share price of the transaction to $6.90. On this point, as you see, we are perfectly open to negotiation.

Paris in the springtime, here we come!

Bill

>From: Pepe
>To: Bill

Monsieur,

We find your counter-offer of $6.90 most pleasing. With regards to your management team, however, we think that you have misunderstood our intentions. We feel, as does any objective observer of the situation, that your current management and board are the ones responsible for the debacle at Lucent.

You managed to lose $3.7 billion in the first quarter of this calendar year. We, on the other hand, made 210 million Euros in genuine profit. You are infamous for handing out loans like a drunken sailor to any cheap little telco that comes begging. To let you retain positions of influence at Alcatel would be as foolish as allowing a megalomaniac to rise to power in the wake of a revolution. We will not make that mistake a second time.

You are in huge trouble, mon ami. I do not think even you have confidence that you can work it out. You could take our proposal for the sake of your shareholders, or you could selfishly sink this deal over concerns about your own jobs. The choice is yours.

Bon Chance,
Pepe

>From: Bill
>To: Pepe

It's true that our market cap has fallen faster than you people surrender to Germany every generation or so, but that doesn't mean you have to get snippy and actually hold us responsible! Let's talk about this reasonably. We could throw a few people overboard, sure, but the real fault for our problems lies with the line workers and other employees, most of which we can lay off! So, help out a brother here. We're willing to split the board half and half, and jettison maybe 10% of our execs.

Bill

GNU Public License & Weapons

Serbia: It has come to our attention that your organization (hereafter referred to as NATO) has redistributed thousands of copies of software to our cities which is covered under the GNU Public License (hereafter referred to as the GPL) inside of the casings of shells, missiles, and bombs. Under the redistribution terms of the GPL, you are required to provide us with the sources to all the GPL'ed code that you have distributed, and to all code linked with it, yet this source code has been purposely and maliciously denied us. We are hereby suing NATO for $1.5 Billion US in compensatory and punitive damages, and for full compliance with the terms of the GPL.

NATO: We are currently in the process of formulating a full and complete response to your legal brief. We respectfully request that Serbia provide the GPS coordinates of its legal council, so that we may ensure that our response is delivered properly...

Parody and Satire - Page 7

Y.O.D.A.

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Catching Rabbits

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

The seven stages of a Usenet poster

Sartre's cooking diary

TV Network Programmer's Adventure Book

Warranty Card On Purchased Government Official[tm]

Alcatel and Lucent

GNU Public License & Weapons