Horoscopes for Philosophy Students
National Funk Congress Deadlocked
Foot and Mouth Newsflash
Foot and Mouth and Outlook
Male Date Rape Drug!
D'oh
Fundamentalist Aesopians
Diary of the Mad Scientist at Home
World's Top Scientists Ponder ...
Mary Had ... Foot and Mouth Disease
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
Aries (March 21--April 19)
Emphasis on work, deadlines. Now would be a good time
to do more reading. Drinking more than 7 cups of coffee today
probably not a good idea. Be trenchant!
Taurus (April 20--May 20)
Carefully check the premises and inferences of your latest
argument. Don't neglect your foreign languages.
Do more work on your papers or your thesis.
Gemini (May 21--June 20)
You'll find yourself fantasizing about leaving grad
school and becoming a carpenter, or even a lawyer.
You're behind schedule. Today would be a good
day to try to get more work done.
Cancer (June 21--July 22)
Your arguments are subtly flawed, and everything you're
doing is worthless. Today would be a good day to get more work done.
Dead philosopher plays role.
Leo (July 23--Aug. 22)
Beware of sectionees' sexual harassment grievances. Today would be a good
day to suck up to a professor. Job market fears figure prominently.
Get back to work!
Virgo (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Emphasis on thesis, work, classes, incompletes, procrastination.
Depression not at all inappropriate at this time.
Stress careful exegesis and critical assessment of texts.
Libra native finds devastating objection to your best argument.
Libra (Sept. 23--Oct. 22)
Don't bother preparing for section, you can wing it anyway.
Hours will be wasted gossiping in lounge.
Lunar aspect highlights unfinished books.
Scorpio (Oct. 23--Nov. 21)
Problems in love relationship due to being philosophy grad student.
Adopt air of bored sophistication.
Grade term papers! Leo native begs question.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Green light flashes for trying to get more work done.
Member of opposite sex annoyed by focus on work.
Career prospects unpromising. Cancer would be better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Deep-seated confusion pervades your philosophical views.
Careful attention to Wittgenstein may induce writing
block. Spread rumors about who's getting jobs where.
Requirements figure prominently.
Aquarius (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Thesis looms, considerations from seemingly distant areas of philosophy
relevant. A little hand-waving goes a long way. Back up your discs!
Moon in Gemini means this time, like all other times, is inauspicious.
Pisces (Feb. 19--March 20)
Now is time to `go meta', question what you're doing and
why you're doing it. Undermine philosophical motivations,
theories. Regress threatens.
Study Cancer message for valuable clue.
By Lije
CHOCOLATE CITY--After months of ceaseless debate, including last week's record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to resolving its deadlock over the controversial "get up/get down" issue, insiders reported Monday.
"Get up-uh, get on up! Get up-uh, get on up!" shouted Getuplican Party supporters on the steps of the Capitol as the debate, as well as a massive 14-piece instrumental jam, raged within. The pro-up-getting demonstrators' chants were nearly drowned out by those of a nearby group of jungle-boogie Downocrats, who called upon all citizens to "Get down, get down!"
The bitter "get up/get down" battle, which has polarized the nation's funk community, is part of a long-running battle between the two factions, rooted in more than 35 years of conflict over the direction in which the American people should shake it.
"The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we've got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine," said Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up's most vocal supporters. "Say it loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation, finally get back on the good foot."
Upon learning of Brown's remarks, Downocratic leaders openly questioned his commitment to getting up. Said Robert "Kool" Bell, a top-ranking Brick House Downocrat: "It is a well-known fact that Brown has, on many past occasions, urged his supporters to get down with they bad selves. In response to his inconsistent voting record and history of waffling on this crucial issue, we will not rest until every American, as is their birthright, has gotten down."
"You got to get down," Bell added. "Hyuh!"
The disagreement, which has paralyzed all efforts of the National Funk Congress to get it together and get funky for one and all, has reached crisis proportions, experts say.
"Until our country's funky leaders can resolve this deadlock, U.S. funk leadership, and the booties of all Americans, will remain immobilized," said Gregory Tate, domestic motorbooty-affairs reporter for The Washington Funkenquarterly. "Unless a compromise can be reached soon, the entire nation's thang could be in serious jeopardy."
"Our leaders' refusal to budge, let alone move it from front to back, has crippled the move-your-body politic," said current U.S. Mothership Ambassador George Clinton, one of the most outspoken critics of the deadlock. "These legislators must keep it real and understand that no matter what party policy may dictate, they cannot fake the funk. What the partisan people in the House need to realize is this: If they ain't gon' get along, the time has come for them to take they dead ass home."
But despite such pleas for bipartisan compromise, the two parties remain at odds. This week, a Getuplican high-treble scratch-guitar initiative called for all Downocrats to "give it up and turn it loose," sparking an angry war of words on the Senate dance floor. In response, the Downocratic members of the Grooves & Booties Subcommittee drafted a bass-heavy resolution demanding that the initiative be voted "down, down, all the way down."
The Getuplican-Downocratic rift has been further complicated by confusing rhetoric from both sides. A call from Parliamentary leaders to "get up for the down stroke" was interpreted by members of both parties as a statement of support. Equally unclear was a statement made earlier this week by Funky Chinatown Big Boss-Elect Carl Douglas, who baffled observers with the assertion that Funky Chinamen were "chopping men up and chopping men down."
For all the confusion and divisiveness, there are signs of hope. A bipartisan coalition of funky drummers is gaining strength, urging Downocrats and Getuplicans to find common ground by "getting together, on the one." Also on the rise is a small grass-roots campaign calling upon party people not to get up or down, but simply to get it on.
Whether any of these fledgling reform movements will have a genuine impact on the entrenched groove machine is uncertain. One thing, however, is not: A growing number of citizens are fed up with the nation's current leadership for putting party politics before the need of the people to turn this mother out.
"Big government has lost sight of the fact that we should not be divided along Getuplican and Downocratic lines, but should be one nation under a groove, getting down--or up--just for the funk of it," said Clinton at a recent Mothership rally calling for an end to the deadlock. "The point is not that we must get up or down, but rather that, working together, we've got to get over."
(Originally from The Onion)
'EVERYONE' TO BE SLAUGHTERED
In a precautionary measure the Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of British farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.
This policy was agreed by the Prime Minister late last night at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. It was explained to the PM by his Agricultural Minister, Mr Nick Brown that, far from being their own fault, as simple country-dwelling folk, farmers could not be expected to deal with "citified new-fangled nonsense" such as "insurance" and "vaccinations".
Mr Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers to ensure that all living things within a hundred mile radius of the British coast line are immediately exterminated. The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week Tuesday.
Television companies are reported to be overjoyed at this news. Channel 4 is already planning a themed game show "Big Barbecue" where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first, and ITV will be showing 24 hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.
Farming expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these measures were 'a proportionate and measured response to the crisis - the Government's proposal is entirely understandable, I fully support them,' he said as he booked his flight to New Zealand. It is expected that within two weeks of this policy being carried out foot and mouth disease will be entirely eradicated from the United Kingdom.
The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election."
FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like
Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"
Originally from SatireWire.com
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a drug called beer and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.
Please! Forward this to every male you know...... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys.
For the nearest venue near you just look up 'Public house' in the yellow pages.
Sung to the song 'Doe a Deer'.
D'Oh a beer a Mexican Beer
Ray, a bloke who buys me beer
Me, somone I buy beer for
Far, a long way to the bar
So, I think I'll have a beer
La, la la la la la la
Tea? No thanks I'll have a beer
Which will bring us back to D'Oh, D'Oh, D'Oh, D'Oh
MONTGOMERY, AL--A controversial new bill pending before the Alabama Legislature has deeply divided the state along theological lines, sending right-wing fundamentalist Aesopians into an uproar. HR 1604, if passed, would broaden nutritional guidelines used in the state's school-lunch program, permitting a wider variety of fruits and vegetables to be served, including grapes, the consumption of which is a sin according to Aesopian doctrine.
"The state of Alabama is trying to bully us into submission," said Herman Bray, Pastor of the First Universal Church Of Aesop in Huntsville. "They're trying to rob us of our most cherished beliefs and send our children the message that grapes are acceptable for eating."
Clutching a worn, leather-bound copy of Aesop's Parables, Bray explained his congregation's strict opposition to the law.
"The Holy Writ of Aesop makes it plain that the fox, in his anger at the unreachable grapes, cursed the offending fruit and made all grapes sour forever," Bray said. "It is common sense--and a core belief of the Church Of Aesop--that this is a directive from Aesop Himself against grape consumption. Grapes are plainly exposed as a foul, sour-tasting fruit which dirties both body and soul, and this is a strict tenet of our dietary code." Alabama Aesopians are threatening to take their children out of school if the bill becomes law.
"Our beliefs and history have been laughed off by the secular media as fiction, as 'fables,'" Bray continued. "But the fox-and-the-grapes incident is not just some fantasy concocted by the Aesopian Right. Our research has determined that it most likely occurred between 605 and 602 B.C.E. in the province of Phrygia, was witnessed by a young Aesop and ultimately recorded in what became the Holy Book of Aesopians. Our church's archaeological and historical data all confirm the details recorded in the Aesop account."
The Aesopians' claims have provoked strong reaction among academics. "They think what? That this is a directive not to eat grapes?" asked Darrin Schmidt, professor of folklore and mythology at NYU. "The whole point of the story is that the grapes aren't sour at all. I think that's pretty unambiguous." Bray dismissed Schmidt's comments as "heretical anti-Aesopian hate speech."
Curtis Milner, president of the Birmingham-based Aesopian Coalition, said his organization is prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if Alabama passes what he calls "an openly hostile, blatantly anti-Aesopian piece of legislation."
"These lawmakers are attacking our most closely held beliefs," Milner said. "Not only is it disrespectful; it is a clear violation of the Constitution of this land."
According to Milner, the beliefs of the Aesopians are simple and direct. "We honor the courage and the noble sacrifice of Aesop, who gave His life to educate the world, not backing down even to the day of His execution by the wicked Athenian despot Peisistratus," Milner said. "That event, though tragic on the surface, was actually a day of exhilarating triumph over evil, for as a result of it, the histories painstakingly recorded by Aesop gained immortality."
"He died for us all," Milner added.
(Originally from The Onion)
Friday, 4:30 PM: "Fools! They all laughed at my death ray! They had the audacity to call me mad! Well, soon, soon the time will come for them to pay for their arrogance, and I will taste my sweet revenge!"
Friday, 5:15 PM: "Imbecilic morons! Let them try to block my way with their road construction! Well, I will have the last laugh! I will route around their pitiful construction and soon… soon I will have my dinner!"
Friday, 7:03 PM: "They all laughed when I said I would rent a video! But I will find a video to please them all, man and woman, young and old, all will quake before the mighty entertainment value of Patch Adams!"
Saturday, 8:30 AM: "Foolish alarm clock! You think you can wake me on a Saturday? Idiot! There! I have disarmed your foolish beeping, now the world will wonder at my ability to sleep in!"
Saturday, 10:25 AM: "Snap and crackle on, imbecilic cereal, for your days on this earth will soon be over, behold the power of my mighty spoon!"
Saturday, 12:48 PM: "They said I wouldntt be able to assemble a new barbecue! But I will show them; show them all!"
Saturday, 1:26 PM: "Confound it, these idiotic barbecue assembly instructions mock me! But let them jabber on; my superior mind will persevere and all will marvel at my new barbecue!"
Saturday, 4:30 PM: "Cretins! Morons! What imbecile created this defective and unassemblable barbecue?!"
Saturday, 5:16 PM: "Look at my wife, successfully assembling that barbecue! Bah! Let her have her day, for soon, soon I will be the one operating the barbecue! Then all will taste my burgers!"
Saturday, 8:37 PM: "Foolish waitress! I will have a beer!"
Saturday, 9:12 PM: "These screaming hot chicken wings are pathetic! What tiny minds sought to label this barely-spiced poultry as 'screaming hot'? Bah! Why, my chicken ray, what's that? Yes, confound it, another beer! Make it a pitcher!"
Sunday, 1:02 AM: "Y'know, I know it puts people off when I call them fools. But they call me mad. Y'know? Like, why do they have to call me mad? Yeah, okay, I rant. But I get the job done! Can they say that? Fools!"
Sunday, noon: "Ha! Again my superior intellect has rid me of the incessant beeping of the alarm clock, and allowed me to sleep in!"
Sunday, 3:30 PM: "Pretty blades of grass, so green and peaceful. Such a shame that you will soon by mulched by the power of my lawnmower!"
Sunday, 7:18 PM: "Prattle on, foolish television, for soon the infra-red beams from my remote control unit will force you to change channels at my whim. Behold! I pull the strings and you dance!"
Sunday, 11:37 PM: "Look at you, innocent pillow, so soft and fluffy. Little do you know you will soon be crushed by the power of my head!"
Monday, 9:30 AM: "What? What is this! My alarm clock has not awoken me! What small mind seeks to make me late?! Well, soon, soon the time will come for them to pay for their arrogance, and I will taste my sweet revenge!
World's top scientists ponder: What if the whole universe is, like, one huge atom?
PALO ALTO, CA--Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most totally out-to-lunch freaky head trip since Einstein postulated that space and time were, like, curved and shit," a consortium of the world's top physicists descended upon Stanford University, Monday, to discuss some of the difficult questions facing the cutting edge of theoretical thinking.
Among the revolutionary ideas expected to be raised at the historic week-long summit is the possibility that, like, our whole friggin' universe might be just one big atom in, say, some super-duper huge thing out there somewhere, or something.
"Whoa, man," Dr. Jacob "The Boz" Bozeman of MIT told reporters. "The implications of this deceptively simple hypothesis are, like, completely blowing my mind. Like, we could all be nothing more than this little dot in the fingernail of some huge-ass giant dude. Or maybe a seed in the mustard of, like, some really big sandwich, or even a germ on the back of a flea that's, like, sitting on a hair on some giant dog's ass. Truly, it boggles the freakin' mind, man. It freaks me the fuck right out."
The universe-as-possible-giant-atom theory originated in May with a team of Cal Tech particle physicists, who developed the theory late one night while sitting around on a couch in the Physics Department's cyclotron and foosball facility, "just shooting the shit." The theory, which was reportedly conceived after the group became highly engrossed in ceiling-tile patterns for several minutes while waiting for a pizza to arrive, is said to be so advanced that only a few scientists in the world even have their heads together enough to really, you know, deal. Yet even among this elite group, many are said to be "seriously thrown for a loop" by its implications.
"I'm like, 'Whoa there, man, slow down,'" said Dr. Dieter Gerhardt, a low-temperature physicist at Cornell University. Pausing for a moment to collect himself, the renowned scientist then placed his hands on his forehead before extending them outward in a sweeping gesture and making a buzzing "space-noise" sound effect with his lips, non-verbally indicating the degree to which his mind was blown by the whole freaky deal.
Among other topics to be explored at the Stanford conference, according to Bozeman: the concept of parallel, or "alternate," Earths; the theory of multi-dimensional "superstrings" that fold backward and forward throughout the fabric of the universe; and "a whole bunch of other shit I totally can't even handle thinking about right now."
On Monday, the most high-profile conference attendee, Cambridge's Dr. Stephen Hawking, discussed his recent research exploring the possible existence of "sideways," or lateral, time, a concept most scientists in attendance described as "way out there."
"I don't want to fuck with anybody's head here," Hawking told the assembled scientists via his voice-simulation device, "but if time goes sideways as well as forward, there might be, like, other versions of this reality, where, say, the Roman Empire is still in charge and stuff."
"By the way," Hawking added, "ever think about what'd happen if you, say, went back in time and accidentally killed your own younger self? Man, that shit would be so fucked up."
Hawking's ideas provoked strong reaction. "I remember I was pretty wigged out when Feynman came up with that shit about antiparticles just being normal particles traveling backwards in time," said Dr. Wei Lo-Huang of Princeton. "That was heavy enough to have to deal with. But now Hawking comes up with this? What is with that?"
"Fuck, man... if this turns out to be true, it will require a total recalibration of all our methods for measuring space-time flux, and that means all my old equations are gonna be, like, for shit," Wei said. "Aw, man."
Though Hawking's lateral-time theory may prove significant, most scientists in attendance said they plan to avoid it for now, explaining that the "whole one big atom deal" (or "WOBAD" theory, as it has come to be known within physics circles) is more than enough to completely freak their shit, and that they would prefer to take these mind-blowing questions one at a time, just so they don't completely, you know, lose it.
"I totally can't get with where my head is at, if you dig what I'm saying," said Dr. Sanjay Gupta, renowned for his work in advanced quantum hydroponics theory. "It's like, one big atom? Forget about it, man. Even weirder is, like, if we're just one big atom in a larger universe, how do we know all the little atoms don't have, you know, little universes in them, with, like, little people living on them, with little cars and little houses, and maybe even itsy-bitsy tiny-ass international symposiums on cutting-edge theoretical physics, even."
"That shit would be too much," Gupta said. "It'd be like that Dr. Seuss book 'Horton Hears A Who' and shit. I read that when I was, like, six, and it totally weirded me out."
"Say, can I get another handful of those chips, dude?" Gupta asked.
(Originally from The Onion)
Mary had a little lamb
She called it baby Abby
They burned it in a great big pit
Cos its mouth and feet were scabby
Mary had a little lamb,
she called him Little Ralph,
But now he's burning in a field
Because of foot and mouth.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where they're located
But Tony Blair has said "fair's fair
If they're burnt she'll be compensated"
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Watching her livestock burn
When along came a vet
Who confiscated her pet
Will fairy tale folk ever learn?
Mary's pigs had foot and mouth
'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling
'Now all I've got is one black field
'And fourteen tons of crackling....
Mary had some little lambs
but alas she had to burn em
she also had some nuclear fuel
she gave that to the Germans
Farmer Jones has got no sheep
Isn't life a drag?
Coz they're all burning in a field....
He's got nothing left to shag