Parody and Satire - Page 4

When an old cricketer leaves the crease.....
Mary Had A ...
Glaswegian Pie
George W's Inaugural Address
McDonnell Douglas military aircraft
Stitched Up
Tenth Circle Of Hell
Q209354 - HOWTO (How to RTFM)
Companies Re-Tooling for Ginger-Based Economy
What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?

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Big Joke List

When an old cricketer leaves the crease.........

Doctors at the King Edward VII hospital in that London feared the worst today, after the Princess Margaret was admitted after suffering what was described as a 'catastrophic lack of appetite',

"It's true" sobbed a personal handmaiden "She could barely force down the crate of Bollinger and dogbowl of Beluga. The smoked salmon went untouched, as did the the roast swan and grilled badger"

Further symptoms included an inability to swallow, which prompted close friend and lover, the LLewellyn family, to comment "It's a shame, but obviously that means she's no further use to us and will have to be struck from the black book, what ?"

Royal physician Lord Fenner Regal-Arselicker III issued a statement which said "The prognosis is not good. This will mean a radical change of lifestyle for her. I'm afraid that any form of work will be out of the question. She will need others to cook feed and clothe her, and must spend most of her time relaxing, preferably in a warm climate. In order to keep her blood nicely thinned, she will need a regular medicinal intake of alcohol and nicotine. It won't be an easy existence, but knowing the princess as I do, I'm sure she'll make the best of it without complaint, for another half century. The cost of this prescription will be high, of course, but the noted philanthropist T.H.E. Taxpayer has indicated a willingness to pay, and insisted that only the best will be good enough."

"Gawd bless you sir" cried Jenni Bond "On behalf of all of us everywhere can I thank you for all the grate work you do for our Princess, who makes all our lives so much more gracious and " (cont page 94)

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Mary Had A ...

Mary had a little lamb
And it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five-bar gate,
And kicked its little head in.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two bits of bread

Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a Bucket
and every time she took it out
The Bulldog tried to eat it.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would fall off

Mary had a little lamb,
the doctors were surprised,
but when old Macdonald had a farm
it really popped their eyes!

Mary had a little lamb,
she fed it on cream crackers,
and every time it dropped a crumb,
she'd kick it in the teeth.

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon,
6000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it very silly,
She threw it up in to the air,
And caught it by it's tail.

Mary had a little skirt
Split right up to the sides.
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt
Split right up the front,
...But she never wore that one.

Mary had a little bike,
She rode it on the grass,
And every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up in the air.

Mary had another bike
With a big wheel at the front
And every time the wheel went round
A spoke poked up in the air

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Glaswegian Pie

Sung to tune of American Pie

Parental Lyrics Advisory

The following song is rated "18", and contains sexual themes, abuse of alcohol, drugs and people.

A Glaswegian is an inhabitatnt of Glasgow, Scotland, UK
Milngavie is pronounced "Mill-guy"

Long long time ago,
I can still remember how
Those weeji bampots made me laugh,
And I know if I had a chance
To see those Neds and Sengas dance,
I'd laugh my fucking arse off once again.

'Cos don't they realise it's not clever,
Drinking Buckfast doon the river,
Tucked in trackie bottoms,
They look just fucking rotten!
I can't remember if cried
When I saw these bams in East Kilbride,
But it ammused me deep inside,
The day the mucker thrived!

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Did you write the book of shite
"Can I borrow ten bob, gonnae gee'za light?"
Bugger off yer full o' pish!
Oh and do you belive in hard core techno?
Huv ye gubbed 5 ectos fur a night at the Metro?
A can you teach me how to speak reeeaaallll slow?!

You can tell that she's in love wi' him,
'Cos he's fae Ibrox and she's a Tim,
They both kicked off their socks
And those manky old Reeboks.
He was a scrawny youth with a GAP pull over,
A sovvy ring and a stolen Nova,
They fell in love when he muff dove 'er,
The day the muckers thrived....

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Now for ten years you've been on the dole,
Hingin' aboot at the Paisley Toll,
And that's just how it's always been.
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van,
In a coat he'd stolen fae TopMan,
And a fag that came from you or me.

But while the cop was looking dapper,
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper,
Dressed all in Kappa clobber,
As he shouted, "suck ma dobber!".
While wee Tam stole a shirt fae 'Mark's',
And Boab slashed some cunt in the park,
They all buzzed petrol in the dark,
The day the Mucker thrived....

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt 'er
Writing mentions on the old bus shelter,
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaast!
Doin' six month for selling smack,
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi' the burd.

The Sengas reek of cheap perfume,
While name-tags jangle round the room,
Each one grabs her geezzer,
A fag and lemon Breezer.
The lack of class is hard to hide,
They cannae wait to get inside,
A stair-heid winch and a door-way ride,
That's how the Muckers thrive

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

You'll see them in their usual places,
With silly hats and ugly faces,
Ootside the offy acting hard.
So Shug be nimble, Shug be quick,
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals.

All lined up ootside the "Paki's",
A rainbow of exotic trackies,
Giein' abuse tae grannies,
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies!
And as the day turns in to night,
The neds may gang up to start a fight,
But on their own they're soft as shite!
I've made a Mucker cry!

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

(Slowly with feeling)

I met a girl who sang 'The Sash'
I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off!
I went down to the local chippy,
Where the Neds hung out and the staff were nippy,
And the muckers there harassed me for some fags.

Baseball hats at stupid angles,
The girls each wore three dozen bangles,
Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies.
But the three meals they enjoy the most,
Are chinky, chippy, beans on toast,
Come Glasgow fair they hit the coast,
The day the mucker thrived

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

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George W's Inaugural Address

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.

Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need absolutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. Let everyone who needs to put food on the table put their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And I front for the money. But I back away from challenge.

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. We need a sharpened sword to fight our way.

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every Heart with money. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. But we shall not trust the people with the money of the people who paid to get us here. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you and God Help America. "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- George W. Bush

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Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft

    __  ___     ____                         ____

   /  |/  /____/ __ \____  ____  ____  ___  / / /

  / /|_/ / ___/ / / / __ \/ __ \/ __ \/ _ \/ / /

 / /  / / /__/ /_/ / /_/ / / / / / / /  __/ / /

/_/ _/_/\___/_____/\____/_/ /_/_/ /_/\___/_/_/

   / __ \____  __  ______ _/ /___ ______

  / / / / __ \/ / / / __ `/ / __ `/ ___/

 / /_/ / /_/ / /_/ / /_/ / / /_/ (__  )

/_____/\____/\__,_/\__, /_/\__,_/____/

                  /____/

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

3. Date of purchase: Month ________ Day _______ Year __________

4. Serial Number _______________________________________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you found out about the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

7. Please check THREE factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Deranged (Islamic)
_Deranged (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive or Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Oil Paintings
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Cheque
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveller's Cheque

12. Occupation

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.

Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future, as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

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Stitched Up

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes.

Here's the responses he got.. fun and games with Nike...

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons.

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property.

2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use.

3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?

4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."

Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang".

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang.

After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang.

The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892.

So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that

"If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision.

I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any Personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted".

In addition it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.

Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another."

With these rules in mind we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request.

Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks, Jonah Peretti

no response

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Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell

Parody of business-journalism-based-on-press-releases

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.

"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."

Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Antedeus said.

Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994, however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.

Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.

"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve."

Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make possible."

Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products.

The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever."

In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.

"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn woman ever since."

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: "It's hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly blinking the message, 'Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'"

He then resumed screaming in agony.

Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.

"Things are definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer."

"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an exciting time to be in Hell."

(Originally from The Onion)

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Q209354 - HOWTO (How to RTFM)

This is a sanitised version of a page that lasted only 2 days on the web, after Microsoft took offence. Follow the 'history' link at the very bottom for an explanation of what happened.

Click here to find out how to RTFM (Read The F***ing Manual).

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Companies Re-Tooling for Ginger-Based Economy

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) Although only a handful of people know the secret identity of "Ginger", a product that reportedly will be "more important than the World Wide Web," and make its creator wealthier than Bill Gates, companies across the globe are gearing up for the new Ginger Economy, launching products and services they claim will "seamlessly integrate with the Ginger experience... whatever it is."

"I don't want to reveal too much, but let's just say we put the Gin in Ginger," boasted Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems. McNealy later conceded he hasn't found out what Ginger is, exactly, but argued that like the Internet, "it isn't what you know, but whether or not people perceive that you know."

Merrill Lynch's new Ginger analyst, Henry Blodget, agreed, and issued Strong Buy ratings on the entire Ginger sector, as soon as it forms.

So far, investors share his faith. Despite yesterday's warning from Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan that a "Ginger Bubble" was forming, traders sent shares of Virginia-based VA Ginux up 113 points as investors were excited by the newly formed company's pledge to "provide the best support and training for Ginger's Linux capabilities... if, you know, it has any."

In the most telling move, however, chipmaker Intel wasted little time dumping its partnership with Microsoft Windows, the so-called Wintel alliance, for what it's already calling the Gintel alliance. "Whenever you hear the word 'Ginger,' we want you to think 'Intel Inside,'" said Intel CEO Craig Barrett. "Unless it doesn't have an inside."

Meanwhile, the Internet's governing body, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, is reviewing an emergency request to create a new Ginger domain, which would be rendered as .gin. Companies, however, are not waiting to pledge their allegiance.

"This time, we will not be left behind," declared Juergen Schrempp, CEO of the recently renamed DaimlerGinger, which will retool its Chrysler factories to meet the expected demand for Ginger-related products. Asked for his reaction to claims that, far from being the next Internet, Ginger is simply a motorized scooter or, at best, nothing more than a media-driven phenomenon, Schrempp turned sarcastic. "Hmmm, let's review," he said. "Most people don't understand it or know what it is. The media claims it will lead to untold riches. So tell me again, how this is different from the Internet?"

SatireWire.com

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What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did?

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

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