Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FrankPirateBad Day at the OfficeAccident ReportActuaries and EggsCab Driver
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank
Pirate
Bad Day at the Office
Accident Report
Actuaries and Eggs
Cab Driver
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are
crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front
of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a
bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a
face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could
make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3,
he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my
stomach.
Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Mommy??!!
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman.
"And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy...Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
April 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been having a bad time at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened.The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back.
My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
So whenever you think you are having a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love you, Tom
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,
I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning for breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbour who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the accountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg."
The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.
The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.
The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied,
"You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."