Men v Women Jokes - Page 6

The Flight Controller
More Beer
Women Drivers
Two Deaf Men
The 5 questions most feared by men
The Rules for Bedroom Golf
Women Are Like Football Grounds
Delia's Way
The Perfect Man & Perfect Woman
It's About To Start

Previous Page
Next Page
click me Big Joke List

The Flight Controller

It can happen to any of us, but when the crew of a United States airliner made a wrong turn during taxying and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller screamed:
"<Call sign>, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you have turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there."

Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half-an-hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you. You got that?"

Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Flight Safety magazine

Go to the menu

More Beer

Problem: I am thirsty and in need of refreshment.

Man Solution: Drink beer.

Woman Solution: Spend five hours deciding which flavour of Bacardi Breezer to drink, worry about getting fat, count calories in each flavour, get stressed as blokes have bought six rounds by this point, have a glass of water as it's 11pm sulk for the week because you got left out and had to drive.

Problem: I feel bloated and uncomfortable.

Man Solution: Fart As Loudly as possible. Celebrate by having a beer.

Woman Solution: Spend £12 on Wind-eze and other such quack medication because ladies don't fart apparently. Sulk because he saves the biggest fart until you're in bed together.

Problem: My feet hurt.

Man Solution: Find a pub and take the weight off them. Have a beer whilst you're at it.

Woman Solution: Spend £250 on new shoes. Never wear them as they're uncomfortable when new.

Problem: I am hungry.

Man Solution: Eat food. Any food. Preferably hot enough to generate a beer thirst.

Woman Solution: Spend seven hours finding suitable low-calorie food that satisfies your taste buds, spend hours cooking and preparing it. Sulk when bloke arrives stinking of beer with a Donner Kebab.

Problem: I am depressed.

Man Solution: Drink beer with your mates, talk about how great breasts are and forget what the problem was.

Woman Solution: Cry. For no reason whatsoever. Ring bloke. Get upset with him for something he didn't do/doesn't remember doing/wasn't physically capable of doing. Ring friend make her cry too.

Problem: I am bored and have no money.

Man Solution: Have a beer - that's what you spent your money on right?

Woman Solution: Count your collection of unworn shoes, tidy house, shout at bloke for being messy, watch Bridget Jones/Titanic/Girlie Film. Cry about something meaningless and unimportant, cry more because you don't know why you're crying. Think how wonderful bloke is as he gives you a loving cuddle, until you notice that he smells of beer and is actually relying on you to hold him upright. Shout a bit and cry some more.

Go to the menu

Women Drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and

DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go to the menu

Two Deaf Men

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

Go to the menu

The 5 questions most feared by men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Rugby.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty ?
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").

Go to the menu

The Rules for Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club & two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. Particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged; However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Go to the menu

Women Are Like Football Grounds

There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

Go to the menu

Delia's Way

Delia Smith is the UK's version of Martha Stewart - a household legend.

Delia's Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Delia's Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Women's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.

Delia's Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over pie-crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way
Tesco's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.

Delia's Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t?

Delia's Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing cloths. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way
Go ask mister tight arse, cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.

And finally the most important tip -

Delia's Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine?????

Go to the menu

The Perfect Man & Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...

Women, stop reading here.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

(by the way if you're a woman, and you're reading this...this brings up another point....women never listen either.......)

Go to the menu

It's About To Start

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh f*ck - it's started!"

Go to the menu