Careful What You Wish ForPersonal AdsFacts of LifeIts a girl thing!To the wife who spends most of her life onlineThe Bachelor DietThings Men need To Know About StyleSpace Shuttle CrewBest Man's SpeechThe Secrets of Women's Language
Careful What You Wish For
Personal Ads
Facts of Life
Its a girl thing!
To the wife who spends most of her life online
The Bachelor Diet
Things Men need To Know About Style
Space Shuttle Crew
Best Man's Speech
The Secrets of Women's Language
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Big Joke List
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
THE ADS FROM WOMEN...
| 40-ish | 48 |
| Adventurer | Has had more partners than you ever will |
| Athletic | Flat-chested |
| Average looking | Ugly |
| Beautiful | Pathological liar |
| Contagious Smile | Bring your penicillin |
| Educated | College dropout |
| Emotionally Secure | Medicated |
| Feminist | Fat; ball buster |
| Free spirit | Substance user |
| Friendship first | Trying to live down reputation as slut |
| Fun | Annoying |
| Gentle | Comatose |
| Good Listener | Borderline Autistic |
| New-Age | All body hair, all the time |
| Old-fashioned | Lights out, missionary position only |
| Open-minded | Desperate |
| Outgoing | Loud |
| Passionate | Loud |
| Poet | Depressive Schizophrenic |
| Professional | Real Witch |
| Redhead | Shops the Clairol section |
| Reubenesque | Grossly Fat |
| Romantic | Looks better by candle light |
| Voluptuous | Very Fat |
| Wants Soulmate | One step away from stalking |
| Widow | Nagged first husband to death |
| Young at heart | Toothless crone |
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST...
| 40-ish | 52 and looking for 25-yr-old |
| Athletic | Sits on the couch and watches ESPN |
| Average looking | Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back |
| Educated | Will always treat you like an idiot |
| Free Spirit | Sleeps with your sister |
| Friendship first | As long as friendship involves nudity |
| Fun | Good with a remote and a six pack |
| Good looking | Arrogant |
| Honest | Pathological Liar |
| Huggable | Overweight, more body hair than a bear |
| Like to cuddle | Insecure, overly dependent |
| Mature | Until you get to know him |
| Open-minded | Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested |
| Physically fit | I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself |
| Poet | Has written on a bathroom stall |
| Spiritual | Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday |
| Stable | Occasional stalker, but never arrested |
| Thoughtful | Says "Please" when demanding a beer |
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you suppose that men are usually in charge?
<SHRUG>
It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots of little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win. And I am about to tell you one of the Most Important!
<EXPECTANT STARE>
Pockets!
'What!?'
It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women that they would rather wear clothing that looked pretty, than wear clothing that worked right. And then we convinced the women that pockets were ugly. So, now, most women's clothes don't have pockets.
'Naaah'
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
<1,2,3,4,5> '5'
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
<...> '0'
How many pockets in my suit?
<1,2,3, .. 13,14> '14!'
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
'0'
If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things. Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in charge because they can get things done, while the women are still asking to borrow somebody's keys.
<Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.>
Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't work right, then people will think you are Useless. They might even call you one of those nasty names that mean Useless like: Fashionable! or Chic!
<Wife sweeps in.>
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
<Shrug>
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! -- it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.
As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?!?
My Dear Wife;
I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.
David Jr. his first tooth came through today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the "Ut Oh" sound from that ICQ program? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realise that she wears the same size cloths as you do now? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the vacuum cleaner around the house.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the colour), the church has a new pastor, the President had been impeached, and now has been replaced by the son of the previous president and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love,
Your Husband
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Things Men need To Know About Style
Things Women need To Know About Style
The Space Shuttle is in orbit around the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board. The control centre calls.
"Monkey number one, monkey number one, to the television screen please."
The monkey dangles into view, sits down and listens as he is told to release pressure in compartment 2, increase temperature in engine 4, and add oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, the control centre calls again.
"Monkey number two, monkey number 2, to the television screen please."
The monkey swings towards the monitor, sits down and waits as he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, stop the fuel injection to engine 1, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment, and then analyse solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and analysis of solar radiation.
Some time later the control centre calls again.
"Woman, woman, to the television screen please."
The woman sits down, and just as she is about to be told what to do she says, "I know, I know... feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank you all for joining in the celebration of the marriage of Kerry and Mel. I hope that you're having as much of a good time as I intend to have, as soon as this speech is over and I can get to the bar.
For those of you who don't know me (and it looks like most of you apart from Kerry), my name is Rob and I have the pleasure of being your "best" man for this evening
I've had the opportunity to be a best man before, but the nervousness part always seems to be there, although, I've been married for a few years now, and I'll take any opportunity I can to hear the sound of my own voice for a change.
As I said, I'm quite nervous, so I got my mom to draw me up a list of all of the things that I had to do, both today and during my speech.
"THINGS TO DO ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING"
(by Rob's mom)
1. Wear clean pants, comb your hair.
Told you that my mom wrote this. She'll be happy to know that I've done one of those things.
2. Help the groom dress.
A tricky one this is, you would have thought that a man of his years would be able to accomplish this relatively simple task himself.... But after half an hour of struggling I think we've done quite well.
3. Check that Kerry ties his shoes, and has his face and hair in order (I did my best there, but as you can see we were probably fighting a losing battle from the start). Check that he has nothing between his teeth (or should that be his ears) and has his trouser fly done up. (Lets not even go there!!!).
4. Bring a medical bag with the following items for emergencies: - Aspirin, Antacid, Deodorant...... I can't read her writing, but she's also got either Valium or Viagra.
I'm not sure which one you took earlier, so if you start to feel relaxed tonight, let me know and I'll give you the other.
5. Give advice to the groom.
Speaking to you yesterday, you told me that you were certain that you were marrying "Miss Right" today. Let's just hope that her first name isn't Always.
Just last week I was reading the paper and I came across this advertisement and it said, "complete set of Encyclopaedias for sale, just got married, wife knows everything".
And finally, a husband's last words should always be 'OK buy it'.
6. Give advice to the bride.
Mel, you have accepted him for richer, for poorer, for better, and for worse. Take a good look at him and I think you can rule out a couple of those straight away. Let's put it this way, I've known him a lot longer than you have and I never offered to marry him.
Mel - remember that Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stomp on them until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
And isn't it amazing how history repeats itself, when Mel was a little girl, her mother was sending her to bed with a dummy, and look where we are now.
7. Toasts
On a more sincere note I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both, and to thank you for honouring me with the role of best man. Having known Kerry for about 15 years, I think of him like a brother... an unpleasantly hairy and slightly simple brother...but a brother none the less.
So Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to stand and raise your glasses to Kerry and Mel, the new Mr & Mrs Wallace. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Keywords and their meanings.
1. FINE
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)
This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH
Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH
One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
8. OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me get that",which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night.