BlindAssorted men jokesWomen Of The WorldTwo Sides To Every StoryPersonality Prediction By DrinkMaking UpPre-Relationship AgreementPreying Mantis Syndrome (PMS)Coming Home At 3 A.M.Total Mayhem
Blind
Assorted men jokes
Women Of The World
Two Sides To Every Story
Personality Prediction By Drink
Making Up
Pre-Relationship Agreement
Preying Mantis Syndrome (PMS)
Coming Home At 3 A.M.
Total Mayhem
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Big Joke List
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy thinks a moment and says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you &
insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together
& hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you
the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost
getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner
but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive
dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date
and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a
real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get
her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her
sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and
beans in the Bronx.
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house,I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
Shit day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality based on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
WOMEN
| Drink | Beer |
| Personality | Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. |
| Approach | Challenge her to a game of pool. |
| Drink | Blender drinks with umbrella |
| Personality | Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass |
| Approach | Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. |
| Drink | Mixed drinks - no umbrellas |
| Personality | Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. |
| Approach | If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. |
| Drink | Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask) |
| Personality | Conservative and classy, sophisticated. (Pretentious) |
| Approach | Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. |
| Drink | Barcardi Breezer - Hooch |
| Personality | Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. |
| Approach | Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. |
| Drink | Shots (Vodka, Gin etc.) |
| Personality | Hanging with boy pals or looking to get drunk and naked. |
| Approach | Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. |
MEN
| Drink | Cheap Domestic Beer |
| Personality | He's poor and wants to get laid. |
| Drink | Premium Local Beer |
| Personality | He likes good beer and wants to get laid. |
| Drink | Imported Beer |
| Personality | He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid |
| Drink | Guinness |
| Personality | The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another. |
| Drink | Wine |
| Personality | He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. |
| Drink | Vodka |
| Personality | Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. |
| Drink | Whisky |
| Personality | He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. |
| Drink | Southern Comfort |
| Personality | Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. |
| Drink | Tequila |
| Personality | Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse (he's obviously from Barrow-in-Furness or the far North of Scotland) |
| Drink | Bacardi Breezer/Hooch/Malibu |
| Personality | He's gay |
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", I said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", replied Helen,"You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty- five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do
that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the
other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are .. . ." (Psychosis to be
filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as
the relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) At the termination of said affair:
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
[Note - reportedly from "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" by Bruce Fierstein - ed.]
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
At about 3 a.m., a guy was home rather late. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, but that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"