Why Men Are Proud of ThemselvesMen's Secret LanguageWomen's EnglishMen's EnglishSlogans for women's T-shirtsSmart BlondeCreationFinesseThen and NowThe real difference between men and women
Why Men Are Proud of Themselves
Men's Secret Language
Women's English
Men's English
Slogans for women's T-shirts
Smart Blonde
Creation
Finesse
Then and Now
The real difference between men and women
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Big Joke List
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. The title and paperwork all check out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Loan officer drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled; while you were away, I checked you out. I found out that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles me is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
In the Beginning,
God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said,
"Let there be light"
And there was light.
And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass,
The herb yielding seed,
And the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
And God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said,
"There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said,
"Let us make Man in our image,
After our likeness,
And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
And over the fowl of the air
And over the cattle,
And over all the Earth,
And over every creeping thing that crept upon the
Earth."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said,
"I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth
The 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said,
"Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
That woman might keep her figure
That man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said,
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil
To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink
Twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
'Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
east of the marriage counsellor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth
And took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers.
It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa.
And the exercise machine went to dwell
In the closet of Nod east of the polyester leisure
suit.
And in the fullness of time,
Woman received the exercise machine from Man
In the property settlement.
It didn't help her, either.
A married couple is driving down the motorway doing 50 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag bitch!"
The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Then read on for the way things really are...
AND NOW, WELCOME TO THE NEW MILLENNIUM, Boys...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time", says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes".
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wave lengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the Number one tip to remember is: Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
- Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, in-as-much as we have a relationship?
- Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.
- Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship !
- Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.
Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys, 1995,
originally published in the Miami Herald.