Men v Women Jokes - Page 2

The Perfect Day
Shower Time
Sexism Studies Exam
How to Shit
Training Courses
Why you'd choose to be a woman
One day in Eden
Men are from Mars, Women are from another Galaxy
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
Females Only

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The Perfect Day

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

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Shower Time

How To Shower Like A Man

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, wiggle your dick at her, making the woo-woo sound.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (you don’t). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls, and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
  6. Wash your face.
  7. Wash your armpits.
  8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
  9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
  10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
  11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
  12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
  14. Pee (in the shower).
  15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you let the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
  16. Partially dry off.
  17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
  18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
  20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, say “Yeah baby” like Austin Powers, and thrust your pelvis at her.
  21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

How To Shower Like A Woman

  1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you are.
  4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
  11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
  12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
  13. Turn off shower.
  14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
  16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
  17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any expose skin and then rush to the bedroom and spend an hour and a half getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc.

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Sexism Studies Exam

Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

  1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:
    1. Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
    2. What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.
  2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
    Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.
  3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it.
    Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
    or
    Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in real life.
  4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.
    1. White Water Shafting
    2. Three Into One Will Go
    3. King Dong
    4. Speared by Zulu Lovers
    Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.
  5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

  1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
  2. Name something a woman has invented.
  3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grandad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
  4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven,either.
  5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"

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How to Shit

15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:

  1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain which may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
  2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
  3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
  4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
  5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
  6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
  7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
  8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
  9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).
  10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
  11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
  12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
  13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
  14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
  15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:

  1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
  2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
    Other suitable phrases include:-
  3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
  4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
  5. Open reading material and relax.
  6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
  7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
  8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
  9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour,consistency,any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
  10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
  11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
  12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
  13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
  14. Wash your hands once.
  15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

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Training Courses

Training Courses Now Available for Men

  1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
  2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
  3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
  4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
  5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
  6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
  7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
  8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
  9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  11. Bathroom Etiquette I: Let's Wash Those Towels!
  12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
  13. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
  14. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
  15. Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
  16. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
  17. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Educational courses for women now being offered by Men

  1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Every Day
  4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
  6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
  7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
  8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
  9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First
  10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
  12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
  14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  15. Introduction to Parking
  16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
  17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behaviour: Leaving Towels on the Floor
  18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
  21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
  24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
  26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  29. Ballet and Ice Skating: For Women Only
  30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH
  31. Learning to Use Public Toilets
  32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Bars Without your Friends
  33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie
  34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
  35. Sexy Lingerie: It's Not Just For Special Occasions

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Why you'd choose to be a woman

  1. You can wear women's underwear without being arrested.
  2. You can be sexually aroused in public without being arrested.
  3. You can understand the mechanism of a bra strap.
  4. You can be moody and antisocial on a regular monthly basis, without having to provide any rational explanation.
  5. You can cry during Sleepless In Seattle and not have to blame it on hay fever and/or cat allergy.
  6. You can correctly estimate the dimensions of the male genitalia.
  7. You can become number one British women's tennis player simply by hitting a tennis ball - once - without it being out.
  8. You can detect, by scent, when underwear needs changing.
  9. You can be not interested in footy without being thought homosexual.
  10. You can use public toilets at the same time as other members of the same sex without being thought homosexual.
  11. You can fake orgasm convincingly.
  12. You can observe a Bar-B-Q without urges to intervene.
  13. You can remain silent whilst in a car with a woman driver.
  14. You can blame being overlooked for promotion on "bloody male chauvinists" and the "Old Boy Network".
  15. You can take full advantage of British Telecom's "Friends And Family" discount.
  16. You can occupy a bathroom for over 15 minutes without the aid of pornographic literature.
  17. You can make sexist remarks about the opposite sex without calling it "post-modern irony".
  18. You stand a better chance of selection as a New Labour MP.
  19. You can rely on not being chatted up by Paula Yates
  20. . or by Michael Barrymore.
  21. You can appreciate why scarlet crotchless leather panties are not, in fact, practical workwear for the female executive.
  22. You can watch canine castration on Vets in Practice without wincing.
  23. You can go into the lingerie department of Debenhams without the air of a fugitive.
  24. You will never have to master the art of tying a bow tie.
  25. You can dislike Pamela Anderson and like Clare Short.
  26. When you reach the age of 60, your breasts can double as handy fly-swatters.
  27. You can avoid carrying heavy items of furniture when moving house.
  28. You understand what a two way dry-weave topsheet is necessary for.
  29. You can happily spend an entire afternoon in The Body Shop.
  30. Two words - colour co-ordination.
  31. You can wear a ponytail and not look like a total prat.
  32. You can see that you have got cellulite. It's obvious. Look.
  33. After passing wind in public, you will not be compelled to utter the phrase "oi oi, better out than in".
  34. You can communicate with women by telephone.
  35. You can use pregnancy as an excuse for weight gain.
  36. You can use "47 per cent of women are a size 16 or over - it's a fact" as an excuse for weight gain.
  37. You can use "hormones" as an excuse for weight gain.
  38. You can use "refusal to be influenced by anorexic models in Vogue" as an excuse for weight gain.
  39. You don't have to worry about being "a nine-stone weakling".
  40. You can a) purchase tampons, b) read a map and c) eat quiche.
  41. The words "falling sperm count" do not send shivers down your back.
  42. You can urinate without leaving a small reservoir on the bathroom floor.
  43. You can read the instruction leaflet BEFORE assembling flatpacked furniture or operating electrical appliances.
  44. You can carry a handbag.
  45. You can find Jo Brand funny.
  46. You will never be required to make an amusing Best Man speech at a wedding.
  47. You don't have to worry that you might not be the real parent of your children.
  48. You can expose your legs in hot weather and not look silly.
  49. You can book a "massage" without embarrassment.
  50. You can borrow your partner's clothes and not look perverted.
  51. You can ask a complete stranger for directions.
  52. You can run "like a girl".
  53. You never need be wary of scoutmasters with a glint in their eye.
  54. You are less likely to give your private parts a pet name.
  55. You can appreciate why double E-cup bosoms might sometimes be a disadvantage.
  56. Women won't keep on buying you horrible ties and Old Spice for Christmas.
  57. You can bear to own a car stereo that doesn't have quite so many knobs as your next door neighbour's.
  58. You can drink spritzers in pubs.
  59. During sex, you are unlikely to worry about climaxing too quickly.
  60. You realise that "ready in five minutes" actually means three-and-a-half hours.
  61. You can resist the compulsion to scratch your privates in public and photocopy your arse at Christmas parties.
  62. You can keep you legs together when sitting opposite other people on public transport.
  63. You partner will be PLEASED if you come home with lipstick on your face.
  64. You can look at page three of the Sun without remarking loudly on the fact that you're really only reading the political story on page TWO.
  65. When you reach your sexual peak, you're old enough to appreciate it.
  66. You will never invite acquaintances to "smell my finger".
  67. You can watch a woman peeling a banana without making lewd comments.
  68. You can watch a woman removing an umbrella cover without making lewd comments.
  69. You can watch a woman unwrapping a Cadbury's Flake without making lewd comments.
  70. You can understand the grave severity of having a "bad hair day".
  71. You can put a duvet cover on a duvet without asphyxiating yourself.
  72. You can obtain nutritional sustenance without the aid of a microwave, a tin opener, or the telephone number of your local branch of Pizza Hut.
  73. You can confess to having been dumped.
  74. You can own a Renault Clio.
  75. People will not automatically expect you to know how to play the guitar.
  76. You can leave the plumbing to the plumber.
  77. You are born with an instinctive knowledge of how many calories there are in any given foodstuff.
  78. You can change a nappy in less than an hour.
  79. Breasts are an attractive feature on a woman. As is red hair. Sometimes.
  80. You can pack sensibly for holidays.
  81. You will never wear jeans exposing your buttock cleavage, unless they happen to be fleetingly fashionable.
  82. You can admit to being wrong about something .
  83. . Even something as important as the Offside Rule.
  84. Your status in society will never be dependent on how high you can piss.
  85. You will never believe that a doner kebab is the ideal epicurean accompaniment for 15 pints of Special Brew.
  86. Wearing a wig can be a fashion statement, not just a last resort.
  87. Violent men are thuggish. Violent women are "feisty".
  88. Men sweat. Women "glow".
  89. If you claim to admire the Spice Girls because of their politics, some people will actually believe you.
  90. You know the meaning of words like "exfoliation"...
  91. ...And "integrity".
  92. You will never feel your masculinity threatened by large root vegetables, pepper pots or postcards featuring Nelson's Column
  93. You can appreciate that a woman who's just spent 50 per cent of her salary in Whistles can still have "nothing to wear tonight".
  94. You can recall anniversaries other than Stoke City's first FA Cup win
  95. Your voice will never mutate overnight from Aled Jones into Barry White.
  96. You can justifiably pass out during childbirth.
  97. Your ability to concentrate is not inversely proportional to the bust size of adjacent females.
  98. You have, statistically, more chance of finding a partner through newspaper contact ads.
  99. You don't have to take mags like GQ seriously.
  100. And finally - you just CAN, OK? Because you CAN. And if men don't understand that, then tough titty.

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One day in Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

"Lord, I have A problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat,and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's a secret...Woman-to-woman!"

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Men are from Mars, Women are from another Galaxy

This came from a student at Wake Forest Univ in North Carolina: Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing (Prof. Miller).

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca and Gary."

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Uniilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

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How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

ONE!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS......That's how many.

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Females Only

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters this one does not cost you anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own S.O.B. back.

P.S. At this writing a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 35 hours to get the smile off her face, and 2 days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

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