Men v Women Jokes - Page 1

Women Speak In Oestrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone
Dumb Blonde
100 reasons to be a woman !
Hold Me
Priest and a Nun
Father and Son - Italian Style
Falklands woe
Barbie
All Men Must Die
The stages of life

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Big Joke List

Women Speak In Oestrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone

by Matt Groening

RELATIONSHIPS:

First of all, a man does not call it a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald men's heads.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size," "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

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Dumb Blonde

There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

"That's a nice flock of sheep." she said. "Well thank you." said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." said the woman. "Okay." replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman. "Sure" said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow." said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair...can I have my dog back?

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100 reasons to be a woman !

They can't fart in tune and they don't alphabetise their CDs. Oh, but there are so many reasons why it's better to be a chick. (from a chick point of view)

1. Our nipples work.
2. Men will never appreciate chocolate like we appreciate chocolate.
3. It's harder for us to splash wee down our trousers - but not impossible.
4. Lycra.
5. We're very comfortable with basic personal hygiene practices – frequent use of deodorant, changing our socks on a daily basis, that kind of thing.
6. We've got tits. And we can play with them whenever we like.
7. We have more erogenous zones.
8. Our genitals are prettier .....
9. ... and we never get them stuck in our flies.
10. We can cover our desks with elaborate stationery from Paperchase.
11. We don't get any spontaneous erections during a massage.
12. When we buy a vibrator, it's glamorous. When blokes buy blow up dolls, it's sad.
13. Our orgasms last longer
14. We can use M.A.C. and other cosmetic goodies to help us out should we wake up looking like toss in the morning.
15. Blokes never think we're leeching at them when we stare at them in the gym. But we are.
16. We don't have to get our strength up between sessions ...
17. ... and it's much easier to get laid in the first place.
18. That moment when you realised that you weren't "frigid", just physically repulsed by gobby men with bad breath and a problem with rejection.
19. Maternity leave - six months paid holiday (and all you have to do is have a baby).
20. We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old gits.
21. We never ejaculate prematurely.
22. The real beauty of email is obvious to us - a further dimension in our social lives. Also, we don't find the pitiful Internet chain "jokes" blokes send each other mildly amusing.
23. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorders. Beats the dentist every time on the scale of skiving excuses.
24. We get to flirt with systems support men, who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
25. We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all computer games.
26. We got off the Titanic first.
27. Circumcision is not an option.
28. We can make the men in accounts blush by discussing our sex lives in the lift.
29. We can wear power suits and stilettos, and get called "ball-breakers" behind our backs.
30. We're never expected to refill the water cooler.
31. We can do better stuff with our hair, and...
32. ... we don't go bald after our 26th birthdays.
33. For some reason we still believe in the life-changing potential of AHAS.
34. We don't grow nose hair.
35. Bikini's.
36. If we were going to be gay, we'd rather be lesbians.
37. Nail varnish looks really good on us. (Tarantino, give it up.)
38. We can wear open-toed sandals in the summer, with no fear of social ostracism.
39. Wigs. We can wear them and be fashionable.
40. We are allowed to wear skirts or trousers without having to plead Scottishness.
41. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - blokes look like complete dicks in ours.
42. Better pants.
43. We have total control over our eyebrows.
44. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
45. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. Mummy's boys, however, are quite strange and probably scary.
46. Who really controls the population?
47. We look good in second-hand slips, and therefore save money by going to car boot sales. When men do the Oxfam thing they look like they're wearing clothes someone else died in. Which they are.
48. We can cry to get off speeding fines.
49. We are more than capable of changing fuses. It's just that we have better things to do with our time.
50. With David Ginola, men can only be fans. We, however, are potential shags.
51. We understand the true value of money. (More shoes and lipstick.)
52. We can go all weak and therefore carry fewer bags home from Sainsbury's
53. We are statistically less likely to get caught when we have affairs.
54. Getting crushes.
55. We might grow up to be Lauren Bacall.
56. Men still think they have to pay for our dinner (fools). So we get to spend more money in Joseph.
57. We always get rings when we get engaged and married. (Which we can sell later, if it all goes pear-shaped.)
58. We can flirt with waiters in Cafe Rouge and get served first.
59. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts ... and pool ... and football.
60. There's always a freebie "laydeez nite" to be had when times are hard.
61. We are allowed to be angry when blokes leave the loo seat up. They, however, have no comeback when we leave it down.
62. We live longer, so we get to be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
63. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
64. We know that computer games are fun, but don't believer there's a direct correlation between our high-test scores and the size of our genitals.
65. Taxis stop for us.
66. We can play the single scared female card on the AA if we break down at night.
67. We get drunk quicker, much cheaper.
68. We're expected to sit down in pubs. And we are not perceived as sub-standard representatives of our sex if we choose to.
69. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention on buses ...
70. ... or, we can be pregnant, and get gallons of attention everywhere.
71. Women's mags give better free gifts.
72. No testicles.
73. We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
74. Let's face it, we've got a better chance of getting a degree.
75. We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
76. It does not enhance our social standing to understand the workings of the offside trap (or any other wank football thing). But if we do, we look incredibly cool.
77. We don't sulk for a fortnight when caught incorrectly identifying actors from obscure 70s detective programs.
78. You don't catch many girls driving tractors for a living...
79. ... or freezing on the hard shoulder of the M25.
80. We can read Jackie Collins, Peter Hoeg and Jane Austen all in one week without compromising our sexuality...
81. ... but we'll never have to read Bravo Two Zero by ex~SAS bloke Andy MeNab.
82. Soap operas.
83. Chick flicks.
84. We never recognize aspects of ourselves in Alan Partridge. Ever.
85. Somehow we just know about horoscopes.
86. We don't have to leave early on a Saturday night to get home in time for Match Of The Day.
87. Watching scores on Teletext for hours at a time doesn't work for us.
88. Girls are much better dancers. Sorry. We just are.
89. We can watch The Fast Show without having to memorize the script to impress work colleagues the following Monday.
90. "The future of rock belongs to women." (Kurt Cobain, 1994)
91. Ewan McGregor.
92. Chili tolerance is not a measure of our social worth (although that's not to say we don't love a curry).
93. We'll never be Jeremy Clarkson...
94. ... but, if we wanted to, we could be It Girls and do nothing but go to parties all the time.
95. Drinking cocktails is strictly for girls.
96. We can wear pink.
97. And throw underarm in Rounders.
98. And sit cross-legged.
99. How hard we are relates directly to our tolerance to hot waxing. It has nothing to do with fighting people at football matches.
100. Three small words - "John", "Wayne" and "Bobbitt"

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Hold Me

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept., where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. He adds, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

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Priest and a Nun

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn blanket.

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Father and Son - Italian Style

A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.

Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this a one to pointata what evea you wanta."

"You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose."

"And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said "Papa, many a year use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb... I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, oh Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired. When that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga, and you poka on her head and say, "Go back to sleep you silly woman!"

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Falklands woe

A friend of mine in the RAF fought in the Falklands war, and returned to the UK in a transport plane, along with some female RAF staff. On landing in England, the pilot announced over the intercom; 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now landed back in England, and Ladies; this means that you are now ugly again.'

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Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture."

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All Men Must Die

This is not a joke. I think she's quite serious. If you're feeling brave, try ....
All Men Must Die
.... but if you're not feeling quite up to that, you could just catch a glimpse of her
Men Jokes
Oh Lordy! Its Judgement Day!

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The stages of life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

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