Jokes About Music - Page 1

Schubert's Unfinished Symphony
Artistic Consolation
Some tips for any of you that are in pursuit of a career in the "Blues"
How To Sing The Blues
DIY Country & Western Song Kit
Talentless
Accordions
Percussion
Conductors
Strings

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Big Joke List

Schubert's Unfinished Symphony

A Company Chairman was given ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Being unable to go, he passed the invitation to the Company's Work Study Consultant. The next morning, the Chairman asked him how he had enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do. The number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this should be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demisemiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it should be possible to use trainees and low grade operators.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In the light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these maters, he would probably have had time to finish his Symphony.

A Work Study of similar symphonies according to these suggestions would permit various concerts each evening. Each second concert hall in the town would thus be free for other purposes. The resulting energy saving would be an important secondary effect.

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Artistic Consolation

In a moment of inspiration, a certain unnamed trombonist decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he place a large, ignited firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter-stick of dynamite, into his aluminium straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed, he explained to a reporter through the bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, this musician was not up on his propulsion physics, nor qualified to use high-powered artillery. In his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell high enough to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players, and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience!

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the second row of people, who in turn were driven back into the next row, and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass, percussion, and cannons, as constitutes the closing bars of the 1812 Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography notwithstanding, back on stage the trombonist's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to him, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt the searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with an Austrian accent saying, 'Fur every ackshon der iss an eekvul und opposeet reackshon!'" This should have come as no surprise, for he had set himself up as a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouthpipe of the trombone, exiting the mouthpiece, and burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out, while at the same time propelling the player backwards off the riser. For the grand finale, as the trombonist fell backward he lost his grip on the trombone slide, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

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Some tips for any of you that are in pursuit of a career in the "Blues"

1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'....." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon.
2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line, too.
3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation are as follows:
   1. Greyhound bus
   2. southbound train
   3. walkin'
4. Teenagers shouldn't sing the blues until they're old enough to get the electric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.
5. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Vail, or any town whose name ends in "Beach." St. Louis, Chicago and Kansas City are other good towns for the blues.
6. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
7. You have the right to sing the blues if:
   1. you're blind
   2. you shot a man in Memphis
   3. you can't be satisfied
8. But not if:
   1. you shot an 85 at golf
   2. your Dad left you a trust fund
   3. you once were blind but now can see
9. Good places for the blues:
   1. a highway
   2. a jailhouse
   3. an empty bed
   4. a freight train
10. Bad places for the blues:
    1. Yellowstone National Park
    2. The country club
    3. gallery openings
    4. The Hamptons
11. If you ask for water and yo 'baby' give you gasoline, that's the blues. Other blues drinks include:
    1. wine
    2. whiskey
    3. muddy water
12. Blues beverages do not include:
    1. any drink with an umbrella
    2. any wine kosher for Passover
    3. Yoo Hoo (all flavours)
    4. Jello shots
13. Picking a blues name:
    1. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot)
    2. add Willie, Johnny or Joe
    3. Pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, or Roosevelt)
    4. Persons with names like Ashley, Chad, Kimberly, McKenzie, Brad or Tyler may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

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HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the Parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    1. highway
    2. jailhouse
    3. empty bed
    4. bottom of a whiskey glass
    Bad places for the blues:
    1. Ashrams
    2. gallery openings
    3. Ivy League institutions
    4. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    1. you're older than dirt
    2. you're blind
    3. you shot a man in Memphis
    4. you can't be satisfied
    No, if:
    1. you have all your teeth
    2. you were once blind but now can see
    3. the man in Memphis lived.
    4. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    1. wine
    2. whiskey or bourbon
    3. muddy water
    4. black coffee
    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    1. mixed drinks
    2. kosher wine
    3. Snapple
    4. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    3. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

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DIY Country & Western Song Kit

The automated version of this song kit is here.

I met her (1)__________ (2) _____; I can still recall (3)_________

she wore; She was (4)______ (5)_____,

and I knew (6)_______; (7)_______ I'd (8)______ forever;

She said to me (9)____; But who'd have thought she'd (10)_____

(11)___________; (12)_________ goodbye.

Taken from the Amusements Pages of the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra

Now try the automated version.

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Talentless

A persistent and wretched girl singer keeps haunting a bandleader to let her sit in again so he eventually relents.

Girl singer: Can we do "Body and Soul"?

Leader: OK, but let's do it this way. You'll sing the 9 and a half bar intro in C, then do the first 11 in E, second 10 in D. For the middle 6 we'll go to G and then you can sing it out in G flat with a 5 and a half bar tag in A.

Girl singer: I can't sing it like that!

Leader: WHY NOT? YOU DID LAST TIME!

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Accordions

Q: What is the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

A fellow walking into a pub says: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Now, I play the accordion" says the bartender, a large strapping fellow."That gentleman at the end of the bar, the one who look like a logger, he plays the accordion. And that big gentleman playing darts over there, he plays the accordion. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No, I don't feel like explaining it three times."

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Percussion

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Someone asked Christy Moore what he thought the best way to play the bodhran was (he plays with his hand - no stick). He answered "Wit a penknife."

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Conductors

Q:Whats the difference between a conductor and a Radox foot bath.
A:One bucks up the feet and the other ...

Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

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Strings

Q: The difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q: How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

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