Installing Windows XPDrummersAfter The DrumsTrue Stories From A Working BandAdministratiumShakespearian Insult KitHow To Post To News-GroupsEnglish Pronunciation For AmericansCockney for AmericansIf...
Installing Windows XP
Drummers
After The Drums
True Stories From A Working Band
Administratium
Shakespearian Insult Kit
How To Post To News-Groups
English Pronunciation For Americans
Cockney for Americans
If...
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Big Joke List
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
YES!
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI- TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what DOES work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK. IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how
to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks
in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over
there and that accordian."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have
the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room
spins.
Q: How do you raise the IQ of a drummer?
A: Stand him on a chair..
This joke also appears on the Music pages.
A chap visits one of the Indian Ocean's more primitive islands for a break. On debarking from the seaplane one of the first things that he notices is the quaint sound of local drums in the background. For him it just reinforces the fact that he's a long way from civilisation.
However, the drums don't stop, and after two days of continuos drumming he's beginning to get annoyed - but he doesn't want to complain to anyone in case it's a native tradition and he'll give offence to whatever religion the locals believe in.
On the third day he notices that even the locals are looking nervous and he decides that in the evening he'll pluck up courage and ask the barmen what the drums mean.
So, after another day of insistent drumming he's trying to relax at the bar. The chap calls over one of the barmen and prepares to ask what the drums are all about. As he's about to ask the question the drums suddenly stop..
"The drums have stopped!" The barman blurts out - clearly terrified
"But surely, that's good?" The chaps says. "I mean the drums have been going for days."
The barman looks at him in disbelief and horror, then shakes his head.
"Now it's the bass solo..."
This joke also appears on the Music pages.
The drummer in one of the bands I was in was so bad at timekeeping we started to lie to him about the time rehearsals started. So if we were planning to start at 19:00, we'd tell him 18:30 to get him there on time. It worked fine but he started to slip even more so we kept on adding more time in front. Things were going great until he turned up "on time" once and spent and hour and half waiting in his car for the rest of us...
Or the drummer in another band that decided at the end of one of our gigs to dive over his drumkit in a triumphant finale to the evening. Unfortunately he was drunk and got as far as the first, er, hurdle and put his head through one of his toms (drum on rack in front of him) and took the rest of the kit with him. We laughed
Or the drummer in one of the earlier bands (when heavy metal still made the charts), who decided that it would be a good trick to attach a bag of pigs blood (from slaughterhouse ) to the under-side of one of his toms. So at the end of his drum solo he dramatically pulled a knife from his belt and stabbed the drum. Worked great. Lots of blood poured from the tom - right onto his new leather jacket that he placed in the base drum to help muffle it..
Or the frontman (singer) we kept blowing-up. We used to use a lot of pyros (flash-bombs) to add effect. Well, during a particular song our frontman - Rick - would stand at the front of the stage with his fist in the air as we hit the last chord. And our effects chap would press a small contact which ignited a pyro - right under Rick's legs two gigs running. The second time it melted Rick's white PVC trousers - we laughed. Anyway, the pair weren't exactly friends after that. Next gig the end of the song approaches and the memory of being blown up twice enters Rick's mind so he decided to jump on the front of the drum riser instead. So he stands, legs planted widely apart, fist in the air, confident smile upon his lips. And Tony presses the little contact that ignites the pyro that he's thoughtfully moved to front of the drum riser to avoid blowing Rick up. We laughed a lot this time..
Blimey, I could go on all night. I've fallen off more stages than I can count, in those days it was clumsy, now it's stage diving..
This joke also appears on the Music pages.
April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memoons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour explained.
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
[Ed: By Thomas Kyle of M.I.T.]
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with the word "Thou":
| artless | base-court | apple-john |
| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |
| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |
| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |
| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |
| cockered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |
| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |
| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |
| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |
| dankish | dismal-dreaming | clotpole |
| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |
| droning | doghearted | codpiece |
| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |
| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |
| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |
| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |
| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |
| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |
| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |
| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |
| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |
| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |
| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |
| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |
| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |
| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |
| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |
| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |
| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |
| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |
| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |
| puny | milk-livered | mammet |
| qualling | motley-minded | measle |
| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |
| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |
| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |
| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |
| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |
| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |
| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |
| surly | rump-fed | puttock |
| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |
| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |
| vain | spur-galled | scut |
| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |
| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |
| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |
| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |
| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |
| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail |
This joke also appears on the Names pages.
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
A common error by Americans is to call someone an asshole.
No, he's an arsehole. Apart from being an object lesson in syntax (the word is not used as a predicative adjective over here) it's a useful exercise in vocal technique:
Make an "ah" sound, but with the jaw more open and the tongue lower in the mouth than with the American "ah". AAAA...
We're going to use a Scots consonant for the next one. Place tongue in a relaxed position on the gum about half a centimetre (a quarter of an inch in Middle America or the more Euroskeptic bits of England) above the teeth. Blow air over it so it vibrates, almost like that trilling sound Latin American singers make (it's also a useful skill if you play a wind instrument that can be fluttertongued). RRRR...
Now clearly enunciated "s". This one's no different from the usual American sound. SSSS...
The "H" sound in British dialects is usually more percussive than in American ones. Almost a panting sound. HH...
The "O" is quite different from the American vowel, the mouth is kept in a more relaxed and rounded conformation (to a British ear, the US way of saying "o" is a mixture of "o" and "a"). Tune in to a British football game and listen to the crowd singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" to get the correct sound. There is often a very slight vocal glide in this syllable, the end of it drifting towards an "uh" sound. (For a Lowland Scottish sound, use a mouth shape tending towards that for "uh" throughout; this also differs from the American vowel but in a different way). OOOOO...
For the "L" sound, the tongue is higher in the mouth than for the usual American sound; shorter, less resonant and more consonantal.
Ready now? AAAARRRRRSSSSHHOOOOLE!!! That worked better, didn't it?
Repeat about 50 times every morning and you will find the clarity of your vowel sounds improves out of all recognition. How do you think Jean Redpath and Emma Kirkby got to sound like they do?
Give it a few weeks and we'll work on getting those glottal and labial plosives and fricatives right by putting better vocal expression into "fuck off".
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
Bert (aka Syd): Corse, that Van Dyke lemon-squeezer woulder said lumper lead or Uncle Ned, steader prostitute's bed. Yer don' gerra lorra references ter bitser brarss nail in Disney, an' tha's a fack.
Mary Poppins (aka Sibyl): Why Bert, I do believe you sounded almost but not quite totally authentic for a moment there.
Bert: Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Keep jus' 'arf yer syllables
An' shaht them at full frottle
Call yer boss an iron 'oof, mate
If yer got the bottle
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
When I was jus' a sorcepan lid
(I tells yer no pork pies)
Me old pot sat me dahn an' gave
Me this 'ere lump of ice
Remember there's a difference 'tween
Dear Eartha an' Brad Pitt
Corse Eartha Kitts is Bristols but
Old Brad's an 'eap of shit
Oh, supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Drink yer Vera from the glarss
Or from the Haristotle
If yer Brigham Young needs twistin'
'Ave no fear, this lot'll
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Mary Poppins: That's quite enough, thank you, Bert. I appear to have exceeded my ethnicity threshold for today.
Bert: 'Ahzabout you 'n me then, we goes dahn the all-time loser fer a country cousin jarser diesel fitter an' gets gorillers in the mist?
Mary Poppins: You make it sound almost irresistible, but regrettably I have pressing commitments.
Bert: I was finkin' of prerssin' yer commitments afterwards, like.
Mary Poppins: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Donald.
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time,
if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
if you can face the world without lies and deceit,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without liquor,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog
This joke also appears on the Quotations and Sayings pages.