Useful TipsJesus and the ScouserThe Things Students DoA UK Guide for LondonersHP to Address Employee BurnoutPooping DefinitionsThirsty ArabA Good Jewish GirlMen and Rest RoomsYou know you have been living in Finland....
Useful Tips
Jesus and the Scouser
The Things Students Do
A UK Guide for Londoners
HP to Address Employee Burnout
Pooping Definitions
Thirsty Arab
A Good Jewish Girl
Men and Rest Rooms
You know you have been living in Finland....
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Big Joke List
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
This joke also appears on the Surreal pages.
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't f*ckin touch me! I'm on disability!"
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
Risking Your Life For Science
I've seen grad students risk their lives for thesis data. And--other things. Recalling the marine biology grad student who decided that the perfect way to non-reactively observe behavior in Steller sea lions was to go out among them in a sea lion suit. Because the bulls are so huge, he disguised himself as a female. Also because the bulls are so huge, he got grabbed and added to a harem in short order, and escape was difficult.
For someone who had wanted to study sea lion behavior, he seemed very reluctant to talk about it, even though we were very curious and encouraged him.
Playing Football
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
This joke also appears on the Idiot pages.
You evidently need to travel a bit more, to broaden your mind. I realise that it takes some courage to venture beyond the North Circular Road, with the unknown dangers that lurk in an unknown country. So I suggest a plan of action that will overcome your traumatic fears in easy stages:-
1. On your first trip, try to get as far as Enfield. Remind yourself that you are still within the M25 ring. Try talking to some of the locals. You'll be surprised. Many of them are similar people to yourself.
2. Same strategy, but this time to Potters Bar, just outside the M25. If you feel sufficiently confident, book into a hotel for the night. Talk to the locals.
3. Progress in easy stages to Watford, Northampton, Nottingham.
4. Now comes the most terrifying stage of all. Go to Sheffield in the South of Yorkshire. Gain confidence by reminding yourself that if things get too hot for you, you can always escape quickly to the relative safety of Nottinghamshire. Talk to the locals. Some of them do not rape the English language at all. Many of them talk rather pleasantly, like, for instance, Michael Parkinson or Darren Gough.
5. You are now cured of your xenophobia, and could even risk a trip up to Scotland. Undreamt horizons are now open to you. At last you can enjoy life in a spirit of peace with your fellow British citizens, and can travel anywhere in the country of your birth without fear of rape or regional accents.
Dick Chambers, Leeds, UK
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
Hewlett-Packard company today announced that it would take steps to bring its employee burnout rate in line with industry averages.
"HP traditionally has very low burnout rates of 2-3% annually," said spokesperson Lucy Sansouci. "The industry average is over five percent. Our most successful competitors average eight percent."
The company measures burnout rate by a complex formula involving unannounced departures, work-related shouting matches, and employee heart attacks.
HP plans to address the "burnout gap" with a series of measures, including:
"Bringing our burnout numbers in line benefits everybody," said Ms. Sansouci. "Shareholders benefit from the improved earnings. Employees benefit because profit sharing money is spread over a smaller base. This is the creative approach to reinvention that shows the world we are working in a garage."
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure:
JAILBREAK
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The Jewish gentleman replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what nice guys Jews are, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way , they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
This joke also appears on the Revenge pages.
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, "Father, I am going to marry!" Moisha begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. "Tell me, my son, is she a good Jewish girl?" asks the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien," replies the son. "She's Catholic."
"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son.
"Ok, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I, too, will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises, "What is her name?" implores the father.
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, Father."
"Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, "Please God, let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!"
The next evening, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands.
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah.
Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter, Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No," says Chutzpah.
"Hmmm," says Moisha. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter, Rachel, from New York?"
"Ah, no, father." says Chutzpah.
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
"Whoopi," says Chutzpah.
This joke also appears on the Religion pages.
(The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down snd tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
This joke also appears on the Rant pages.
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.