A Duck's JobAn Afghan PrimerDrunk In ChargeTo the wife who spends most of her life onlineThe Bachelor DietNewSpeakMore New WordsThings Men need To Know About StyleAlcohol and Product LiabilityUse The Telnet Luke
A Duck's Job
An Afghan Primer
Drunk In Charge
To the wife who spends most of her life online
The Bachelor Diet
NewSpeak
More New Words
Things Men need To Know About Style
Alcohol and Product Liability
Use The Telnet Luke
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*** do they want with a plasterer?"
This joke also appears on the Surreal pages.
By ERIC MARGOLIS
Contributing Foreign Editor
November 11, 2001 [Toronto SUN]
Afghanistan is very confusing. Here's a quick guide to help keep track of all the players in the crusade against terrorism.
The Taliban - VERY BAD Afghans. These dour 11th-century rustics wear turbans, don't shave and cover up their womenfolk. They have defied the U.S. by refusing to hand over guest Osama bin Laden, a national hero of the war against the Soviets. Nations that defy Uncle Sam get carpet bombed.
These wicked Talibs run a state based on Islamic law, an outrage in our modern age - except, of course, in the case of Israel, whose people say they were given their state by God, and that's GOOD, except for troublemaking local inhabitants, called Palestinians, who are terrorists and BAD. U.S. President George Bush says he draws instruction from the Bible, and this is GOOD, but when the Taliban's Mullah Omar follows the Koran, that's EVIL.
The Northern Alliance - GOOD Afghans, even though they run the opium trade and are led by war criminals. They make nice parades and vow to crush the Taliban - provided the U.S. does all the fighting. Their arms come from Russia, their money from the CIA. You can easily spot them because they wear baggy Iranian uniforms and caps, not turbans. They cover up their women, just like those insensitive Taliban brutes.
Pakistan - on Sept. 10 it was a borderline terrorist state run by a BAD military dictator, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, who backed the Taliban and had lots of EVIL Islamic friends. By Sept. 15, however, Pakistan had become a heroic ally in the crusade against terrorism. Pakistan shamelessly ditched its old ally, the Taliban, and handed over the country for use by the U.S. military. Musharraf, now GOOD, is hailed in the West for courage and vision, though 88% of his voiceless people heartily disagree. Before getting somewhat elected, President Bush couldn't even name Pakistan's leader when asked by a reporter. Now, Bush and Musharraf are new best friends.
The USA - GOOD, minding-its-own-business, totally innocent victim of evil Islamic-Nazi forces, according to the well-read Bush, a former business partner of the bin Laden family. Just because the U.S. has gone to war against Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, Libya, Iran, Sudan, Somalia and Afghanistan is no reason to believe it has anything against Muslims. Some of America's best friends - like the shah of Iran, Saddam Hussein, and the enlightened royal families of Saudi Arabia, Morocco, and the Gulf - have been Muslims.
And just because the Israelis use U.S.-made tanks and helicopters to crush the Palestinian uprising and assassinate its leaders - a GOOD act of counter-terrorism - that's no reason for anyone to get mad at the United States. Washington has even thoughtfully got the media to censor itself so Americans won't be upset by TV footage of dead Afghani children.
Russia - the big winner in this unfolding mess. Clever leader Vlad Putin hornswoggles Bush into backing Russia's barbaric repression of Chechens as "anti-terrorism." American cash flows to the Kremlin. The Russkis are pressing the U.S. to crush the Taliban, saving them the nasty, expensive job. Ditto for Israel, trying hard to get U.S. crusaders to B-52 Iraq, Lebanon, Libya, Yemen, Syria and Iran.
Saudi Arabia - main financier of extremist Islamic groups - provided they stay far away from the oil kingdom. Backed the Taliban and extremist Wahhabis in Afghanistan in a covert war against hated foe Iran. U.S. troops based in Saudi Arabia prevent its people from overthrowing their beloved royal family. The Saudis - a.k.a. "our Arabs" - used to be GOOD, but now, because of their reluctance to help kill large numbers of fellow Muslims, they are being rebranded by the U.S. media as BAD.
Iran - VERY BAD ultra-terrorists until Sept. 11. Iran has been stirring the Afghan pot for 20 years. Tehran's mullahs hate the Taliban's mullahs, and Pakistan. Being much cleverer than Arabs, whom Iranians also hate, Iran's slippery mullahs are playing footsie with the U.S., and jointly backed the GOOD Northern Alliance against the BAD Taliban. Previous U.S. claims Iran was a "rogue state," and guilty of the bombing of U.S. military bases in Saudi Arabia, have been quietly dropped. Iran is now PRETTY GOOD.
Terrorists - Last week, Tamil "terrorists" staged bloody suicide attacks in Sri Lanka; Basque "terrorists" murdered a Spanish judge and exploded a powerful car bomb in Madrid; the IRA detonated a car bomb in Britain. Not a peep came from Washington. Terrorism, in the American definition, boils down to acts of violence only against American interests.
Osama bin Laden - ULTRA BAD and still alive and frothing after a month of being a bull's eye for America's vast military might. Calls Muslims to launch a jihad against the West, when what Muslims really need is a jihad against their own rotten societies that make them a helpless prey to western political and economic exploitation. Brother Osama is increasingly seen in the Third World as a saintly figure, thanks to his demonization by the U.S. media. Many Osama wannabes are waiting in the wings.
U.S. strategy - Carpet bomb 'em back to the 4th century, waste bin Laden, and get the hell out before the BAD GUYS in turbans win.
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
Interesting legal point about drink driving - you can be charged for being in possesion of your car keys *near* your car if you are drunk. A bit weird. So sleeping in your car when drunk is technically illegal.
Open the car, hurl keys into a nearby hedge and settle down for a good alcohol aided, legal, night's sleep. Wake up the next morning unable to find your car keys and wonder just how drunk you must have been to heed the advice off some humorous website.
This joke also appears on the Idiot pages.
My Dear Wife;
I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.
David Jr. his first tooth came through today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the "Ut Oh" sound from that ICQ program? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realise that she wears the same size cloths as you do now? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the vacuum cleaner around the house.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the colour), the church has a new pastor, the President had been impeached, and now has been replaced by the son of the previous president and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love,
Your Husband
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
The Ministry of Information has, with its usual proclivity for exceptional generosity in these trying times, provided the much awaited New year's list of Big Brother's Approved New Words for addition to NewSpeak. Please make yourself aware of them at your earliest convenience. Or you'll be getting a great big hug from the Ministry of Love, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do, citizen. Armed with these new words *VICTORY!* is undoubtedly assured in the conceivable future!! All hail BB!!!!
adiscursive adj. proceeding to a conclusion via intuition rather than reason; moving straight to the heart of the matter.
aftshadow v. to present an indication or suggestion after the fact.
albatrocity n. an atrocious action, condition or object, hanging around one's neck.
analogy retentive adj. the tendency to become unbearable when one's inference that if two things are alike in some ways they must be alike in others is challenged.
anonamourously adv. in the manner of an illicit and unnamed sexual love.
arachnidiocy n. extreme folly or stupidity brought on by the sight of a spider.
automicon n. icons used in an automatic or mechanistic manner, without reflection.
bathoscopy n. technique or mechanism for viewing-at close range-elevated style as it is made to descend to the commonplace or ridiculous.
blood bathos n. serious violence made to seem commonplace or ridiculous.
bravadornment n. decoration of an occasion with a swaggering show of courage or false bravery.
chatachresis n. misapplication of a casual form of discourse.
clandestination n. 1. a concealed final point of arrival or ultimate purpose; 2. the unknowable inevitable course of events.
copacabanal adj. descriptor of a completely ordinary song, such as one by Barry Manilow.
cringe-splurge syndrome n. disease or disorder whereby a consumer first shrinks back only to spring forth all the more powerfully to buy useless commodities.
cyclopean adj. simple- or single-mindedness; limited vision.
datian adj. characteristic of a typical heterosexual social outing.
dictator tot n. a man (or woman) suffering from "Napoleon syndrome."
dichotomystical adj. of or pertaining to division of the quest for union with the divine into two usually contradictory parts.
divagant adj. characteristic of digression or wandering speech.
dramaturgid adj. of or pertaining to an overly ornate text for a theatre production.
elegatarian n. one who practices a refined and tasteful favoring of political and social equality.
emoticonoclast n. an attacker of established on-line ideas and usages, especially those revolving around "emoticons" such as :-)
epiphaniacal adj. of or pertaining to an excessive enthusiasm for revelatory manifestation, to the extent of fabrication.
fascismo n. an exaggerated sense of masculinity exercising a dictatorship.
hegemonyms n.pl. words associated with predominance of one state, entity or idea over another.
homophonia n. rhetorical trope whereby one's speech is affected to sound "gay."
hypotenoid adj. having the characteristics or leanings of a hypotenuse; resembling a hypotenuse in appearance.
idiotomatic adj. characterized by mentally deficient decision-making functioning independently of external influence or control.
intercursive adj. tending to deal with matters of coitus via text.
jane-austensible adj. strict manners; that which might outwardly be expressed in a Jane Austen novel.
legitigation n. to engage in or subject someone to legal proceedings in order to justify oneself or one's cause as legitimate.
ludicrosity n. absurdity or incongruity to the point of being laughable.
misandry n. hatred of men.
mundanger n. an ordinary, typical risk.
neurosisyphusean adj. pertaining to anxiety, phobia or abnormal behavior exhibiting repeated futile but necessary attempts to "succeed."
nihologism n. a word that has made nothing into something.
nostaljihad n. forcing one's longing for things, persons or situations that are not present on others.
omnimpotent n. having unlimited lack of power or physical strength.
omnipressive adj. difficult to bear everywhere.
pedagogerasty n. sexual arousal or attainment by means of pedagogical relation.
peter-panoptic adj. making everything visible appear younger than it is, or you are.
presunctuous adj. excessively forward or confident with affected or insincere earnestness.
simulachresis n. a trope in which the word "like" is employed as a spacing mechanism or affect.
solipsisterhood n. the theory that a woman's reality is the only reality.
sologism n. proposition consisting of reasoning understood by one person only, usually its author.
subvertiginous adj. vertigo or dizziness brought on by exertions toward overthrowing or undermining tradition.
synechdote n. a short account of a humorous or interesting incident with global significance to one's life.
testoasteroven n. naturally occurring chemical producing tertiary male characteristics such as insistence that one can fix all appliances.
thaumogyny n. wonder at or inability to comprehend women, found most often amongst male homo sapiens.
totheextentthat adv. akin to inasmuch as, or starskyandhutch as.
vapid eye movement n. non-verbal communication devoid of interest or sincerity.
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
Things Men need To Know About Style
Things Women need To Know About Style
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
This joke also appears on the Quotations and Sayings pages.
Telnet users may find "telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl" amusing.
For those on a Windows system, open a DOS box, and type:-
telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.