The ReunionEast LA Math Proficiency ExamDevout ParrotsAn Engineering FatalityAn Engineer DiesUK Soccer Headlines You Won't SeeSoftware MetricsA Typical Software EngineerAD&D Monster Manual IV - BarneyEven More Anagrams
The Reunion
East LA Math Proficiency Exam
Devout Parrots
An Engineering Fatality
An Engineer Dies
UK Soccer Headlines You Won't See
Software Metrics
A Typical Software Engineer
AD&D Monster Manual IV - Barney
Even More Anagrams
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says "I hate to ruin your day son but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop what are you talking about ?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other " the old man says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Chicago and tell her", and hangs up.
Frantic the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced! " she shouts. "l'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay honey" he says, "It worked, they're coming for New Year and paying their own way".
This joke also appears on the Revenge pages.
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
This joke contains adult content, and has been moved here.
A Priest, a drunkard, and an Engineer were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.
The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade.The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.
The drunkard thought , "Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me, "so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking , this was also a miracle.
The Engineer thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the Engineer said, "Oh I see your problem!"
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
This joke also appears on the Religion pages.
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
The Pizza Metric
How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation. If people are spending enough after-hours time working on the project that they need to have meals delivered to the office, then there has obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere.
The Aspirin Metric
How: Maintain a centrally-located extra-large aspirin bottle for use by the team. At the beginning and end of each month, count the number of aspirin remaining in the bottle.
What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project. This most likely indicates poor project design in the early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort later on. In the early phases, high aspirin-usage probably indicates that the product's goals or other parameters were poorly defined.
The Beer Metric
How: Invite the team to a beer bash each Friday. Record the total bar bill.
What: Closely related to the Aspirin Metric, the Beer Metric measures the frustration level of the team. Among other things, this may indicate that the technical challenge is more difficult than anticipated.
The Creeping Feature Metric
How: Count the number of features added to the project after the design has been signed off, but that were not requested by any requirements definition.
What: This measures schedule slack. If the team has time to add features that are not necessary, then there was too much time allocated to one or more scheduled tasks.
The "Duck!" Metric
How: This one is tricky, but a likely metric would be to count the number of engineers that leave the room when a marketing person enters. This is only valid after a requirements document has been finalized.
What: Measures the completeness of the initial requirements. If too many requirements changes are made after the product has been designed, then the engineering team will be wary of marketing, for fear of receiving yet another change to a design which met all initial specifications.
The Status Report Metric
How: Count the total number of words dedicated to the project in each engineer's status report.
What: This is a simple way to estimate the smoothness with which the project is running. If things are going well, an item will likely read, "I talked to Fred; the widgets are on schedule." If things are not going as well, it will say, "I finally got in touch with Fred after talking to his phone mail for nine days straight. It appears that the widgets will be delayed due to snow in the Ozarks, which will cause the whoozits schedule to be put on hold until widgets arrive. If the whoozits schedule slips by three weeks, then the entire project is in danger of missing the July deadline."
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
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Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.
Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise.Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities.
Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat.
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
| Dormitory | Dirty Room |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
| The Morse Code | Here come Dots |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
| Animosity | Is No Amity |
| Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
| Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
| Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
| Semolina | Is No Meal |
| The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
| A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
| The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
| Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it |
| Astronomer | Moon Starer |
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.