Its a girl thing!
How Our Game's Respected Figures Lure The Fairer Sex
Eminem in Australia
A Brief Visit To Australia
Soccer Anagrams
A Typical Project Manager
A compendium of history
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas
Legally Binding Seasonal Greeting
A Memorable Christmas
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Big Joke List
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! -- it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.
As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?!?
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
We all know that our football stars can't keep away from the ladies, but how do they go about pulling? We hung around Stringfellows to find out...
"Can you buy us a drink, pet?" - Bryan Robson
"I would have fallen in love at first sight with you. But unfortunately I'm not close enough to your position to see you properly" - Arsene Wenger
"Do you want a f***ing f**k?" - Peter Reid
"I would love it, love it, if we could make beautiful music together. You've got lovely eyes. And you make me feel great. Great, like a proud Englishman, 'earing the national anthem for the first time. I just want to get on top of you and try 'ard for me, for you and for everyone. This is a massive moment and I hope I'm big enough for the job" - Kevin Keegan
"I've never done this before. It's all so unexpected. It's just a big adventure for me and my little man. I just hope we can keep going and going. Be gentle with me. Please. I'm so innocent" - David O'Leary
"Well, you really are looking quite lovely tonight. Almost as lovely as Manchester United on that unforgettable night in Barcelona. I've never known a feeling like it" - Clive Tyldesley
"Cupid has come around my back stick, early doors, little eyebrows and poked an arrow through my heart with your name on it. Do you want to come sell me a lollypop?" - Big Ron
"Hello, Susan, I mean, Jane, No, Dave, Arsenal, Rover, Bin Laden, Debbie, Alison, Quim, No, Sarah, Victoria, Diana. Do you want to go to my place, I mean, your place, St James' Park, Buckingham Palace, the hanging gardens of Babylon, The Rose and Crown? For an ice cream, no sorry... weasel, for a lawn mower, monkey, pint? Where am I?" - Bobby Robson
"Yeah, that Liam's a pr*ck isn't he? This? A wedding ring? Oh no, no, no... it's... erm, it's a Scottish League winners' ring" - Ally McCoist
"You're pretty ugly actually and really stupid.. I never said them things. Can we have sex?" - Glenn Hoddle
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns about a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and of course, the dungarees.
But Eminem said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he was willing to judge Australians for himself.
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
An Australian, originally from Canberra but now living in Tokyo, struck up a conversation with an American in a bar. The American said he had been to Australia "briefly". Asked what he meant by "briefly", the American explained that he had disembarked in Sydney and proceeded to Immigration, where an officer had asked him if he had a criminal record. "I didn't know you still needed one," the American had replied - and found himself on the next plane out.
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
Bristol Rovers - River rot slobs
Carlisle United - Ritual declines
Cheltenham - The calm hen
Darlington FC -Farting 'n cold
Exeter City Football Club - Bully or toxic beef cattle
Halifax Town - Fix what loan?
Hartlepool - Polar hotel
Hull City Football Club - Full tallyho cubic bolt
Kidderminster - Timed drinkers
Leyton Orient - Entirety loon
Lincoln City FC - Noncyclic lift
Luton Twon - Not low nut
Macclesfield Town - Damn wife collects
Mansfield - Damn flies
Oxford United - An odd fixture
Plymouth Argyle - Really got humpy
Rochdale Football - The drab fool local
Rushden & Diamonds - So mad, and in hundreds
Scunthorpe United - Hedonist puncture
Shrewsbury Town - Snowy brew hurts
Southend - Hot nudes
Swansea - A new ass
Torquay United - Tiny rude quota
York City - Yo!, tricky
Alex Ferguson - Sex organ fuel
David Ginola - A livid gonad
Super John McGinlay - Sperm launching joy
Andy Gray - Randy Gay
Robbie Elliott - Better boil oil
Teddy Sheringham - He'd shag dirty men
Nathan Blake - An ankle bath
Stan Collymore - Measly control
Paul Merson - Lump on arse
Peter Shilton - Enter hot lips
Martin Keown - I'm not wanker
Peter Beardsley - Beery plastered
Maine Road - I Am A Drone, A Dire Moan, No! I Am A Red
Neil Cox - Lexicon
Karlheinz Reidle - He killer red Nazi
Match Of The Day - They of mad chat
George Best - Go get beers
Gudni Bergsson - Undressing bog, Guns on bridges
Fabrizio Ravanelli - Evil Brazilian afro
Gareth Southgate - Treat to huge shag
David Lee - Evil Dead
Dennis Bergkamp - Pink German beds
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.
During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism.
France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical."
World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
The last stage is us.
This joke also appears on the Jokes about Kids pages.
This joke also appears on the Quotations and Sayings pages.
SEASONAL GREETING from me ("the Wishor") to you ("the Wishee")
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The Wishor offers the Wishee on a strictly without prejudice basis, without any obligation of any kind, whether express, implied or otherwise, the Wishor's best gender-neutral non-discriminatory wishes for a socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, environmentally conscious celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practises of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all AND a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of other cultures and/or sects, and having due regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexuality of the said Wishee ("the Greeting"). |
In accepting the Greeting the Wishee acknowledges that he/she is bound by and subject to the following terms:
Any references, whether express or implied, in this greeting to any festive figure or figures (such as, but in no way limited to, "Father Christmas", "That Jolly Red Chap", "Elves", "Faries" or "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer") whether actual or fictitious, alive or dead, shall not imply any endorsement by or from that figure in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and/or images are hereby acknowledged.
This greeting (which shall remain without prejudice and subject to contract until accepted by the Wishee) contains the entire understanding between the Wishor and Wishee with respect to the subject matter of the Greeting and supersedes all and any prior greetings.
The Greeting is made in accordance with and will be governed by English law.
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of ladies tights over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Bob's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor ladies tights hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Sainsburys. I had to find a sex-shop - which meant a trip up to London's Soho. If you've never been in a sex shop, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll, finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different colours and sizes. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price range. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling ladies tights with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate a mince pie or two and drank the glass of Sherry left out so thoughtfully for Santa's visit. I went home, had a good giggle at what I thought would happen in the morning and went to bed. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused, she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her ladies tights so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for our traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran come and have a glass of sherry," Bob said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked girl by the fireplace?" I told him she was Bob's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, and how the railways should be run, when suddenly Louise made a long noise that sounded a lot like the sort of noise that men do and women don't. Then she lurched from the tights, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I dribbled cranberry sauce from my mouth, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a spark or hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called Sellotape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several adult party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
This joke also appears on the Surreal pages.